Am I being too paranoid/controlling about my boyfriend's behavior when drunk?

Question

Me and my boyfriend of 5 years don't often argue, but one thing that seems to come up a lot is that he wants to do some ridiculous things when he's drunk, and I don't want him to do them.

Here's some recent examples;

1) we were at a party by a lake, and everyone decided to go swimming in the lake (it was night and everyone was drunk) - We discussed it a little, I didn't want him to go in, but basically I said do what you like. He decided not to go in because I was worried. I believed it was a stupid and dangerous thing to do, despite the fact that others were doing it (the lake is in the middle of nowhere in japan, and neither of us have good japanese)

2) We were camping on an island near a beach and after a long evening of drinking him and some friends got naked and swam in the sea - this time we didn't discuss it, I just let him go in. It didn't seem as dangerous because the shore was shallow and I could keep a close eye on everyone (i couldn't at the lake)

3) Tonight some friends after drinking wanted to climb up the local 12 storey high steel tower. I persuaded him not to go, but our other 2 friends went and the whole time I was in palpitations with my fingers in my hears for fear of hearing the dreaded sound of someone falling. They were all fine in the end.

We keep arguing about it because he sees it as me wanting him to not do something daft, or not have fun. But I want him to realise that no matter how safe he thinks he's going to be, it's hurtful to me to make me worry like that. I'm a bit paranoid by nature due to a series of unfortunate experiences as a child, but he keeps asking me to define what's too dangerous and what's not. I feel like he just doesn't understand that in wanting to do these things he's already inflicting the worry on me.

Am I being too paranoid? What can I do to make him see things the way I do?

I try to be understanding, everybody wants to have fun and do silly things when they're drunk, but I have friends of friends who have died in these situations, am I being fair or not?

Answer 1

Swimming in the ocean is way more worrisome than a lake...undertow...ugh. I would do your best not to tell him what to do, most folks don't like that. It's good that you are concerned for him (definitely keep an eye on him) but you aren't his mother or his wife. Treat him like the adult he is. (Climbing is just stupid, tell him that when he breaks his neck, you won't be around to wipe his butt for him.)

Answer 2

You love him. It's plain and simple. Why would you want him to get hurt... or risk losing him?

Paranoid? He should consider himself lucky that someone who cares for his well being is looking out for him when he has had to much to drink. Being drunk does make you more open to suggestion, but it sounds like if he's able to talk about it sober then he's already open to thee dangerous acts anyways. What he needs to understand is that him doing these things or rather, craving to do these things affects you negatively. If he loves you he should cut it out... he doesn't just have himself to worry about anymore, you're a part of him as well.

Perhaps make him step in your shoes. Ask him how he would feel if you got drunk then went for a swim in the pitched black ocean. Would he mind if you were drunk and climbing some ridiculously high tower?

A good healthy amount of caring is not being paranoid at all. He needs to realize this... sit him down and talk it through.

Answer 3

I dont think you're being unfair at all. I know I fall all over myself worrying if my boyfriend even gets sick. Its perfectly understandable, but I can also understand his point of view. He just needs to understand that when someone is drunk, they do not have good judgment. He needs to accept that you are only thinking of him because you love him. But you also need to understand that he is a mature adult(I am assuming that you two are adults), and he ultimately is the only one that can make his decisions, no matter how incredibly stupid they may be. This will just probably be one of those things that you two will always argue about, but Im sure it will always work out. Just always remind him that you love him and hopefully he will calm down a bit. Good luck!