Am I being too selfish?

Question

I love my fiance very much. That being said I am a very picky person.

Now that we are engaged....he didnt really buy me a ring. Just popped the ques and now we are out to look out for a ring. Now that we are "ring hunting", I have noticed that he is absolutely not interested in this process at all. I have done all the research on diamonds, jewelers etc and he is like, "Well its a ring for you, I know you are very particular abt how big, small, bright, yellow white it has to be..n the chances of you liking the ring I buy are low so you choose teh ring you liek n we will buy it".

This has left me hurt to some extent.Am I being too selfish and hence he is acting this way?

How do I get my fiance actievly involved in this process?

Answer 1

Why would you want him involved you have the opportunity to choose your own ring.  Most guys buy a ring that is hideous and you are stuck with it.  Suck it up, your spoiled and you should be happy.

Answer 2

I have been a jeweler for a long time and have Had more conversations with men about engagement rings then I can count I believe  that what they say on this matter is simple and true they want you to be happy and there is a strong fear of rejection that if they choose the wrong ring they will have commit a horrible offense he knows you are picky and accepts it so he wants you to have what you want this was probably well thought out on his part my guess would be that he agonized about choosing wrong and knowing you he thought that he had made the right decision by leaving the choosing to you as women we often want it both ways but maybe you should stop and think how great it is that he knows who you are and loves you for it that is a life long gift to be greatful for

Answer 3

I would probably throw a fit if I had to pick out my own ring.  Your best bet is to print or show some pictures for the guy and tell him you want him to buy it for you, and that you will love it no matter what.  Just give him simple instructions on what to look for and what not to get. I don't think it's selfish.  It supposed to be from the heart, not something he just bought you cause you wanted it.  Very clear, precise suggestions should make it easier for him.  

Answer 4

I think he is trying to be nice and he is scared that he would get you something that wasn't to your liking. Try not to be hurt although I know the feeling. When you find a ring you like maybe ask for his opinion and make sure he knows that what he thinks matters to you. Congrats!

Answer 5

Oh well that stinks.. maybe you are a bit picky and that is why he is acting like that (I don't know you so I can't say for sure) and I think selfish is a bit too far... just overly conscience of your personal decisions I guess... anyway when you are talking about the ring don't refer to it as "your" ring, refer to it as "our" ring. And really try to condsider his opinion when it comes to picking out a ring, because the ring really isn't just yours alone, it's yours and his at the same time as it is reflective of a promise the two of you made together. So try to find something that describes you both and really listen to what he thinks about it and try to see the beauty of it from his point of view.

Besides after the two of you get married things are going to no longer be yours, mine, and ours... it's just going to be ours...

Answer 6

if you are really that picky, then u should pick out your ring and spare your relationship the stress and fight. plus you will love it even more b/c it is what you wanted. CONGRATS AND GOD BLESS!!!

Answer 7

He probably isn't taking an active interest because it is your ring and he knows that you are particular about what you like. Maybe he feels like adding in his two sense would only complicate the process or make you upset. He wants you to have the ring you love...alot of men will just go out and buy any ring and the woman will end up not being happy with it - he is trying to be considerate and get you something you will love since you will be wearing it the rest of your life.

I would try to narrow down your choices of rings. Once you have your favorites in mind show him the ones that you like and ask for his opinion.  

Answer 8

Personally I picked out my own ring too. Guys just aren't into that kind of stuff. You will have to wear it for the rest of your life so I think it should be up to you. Get him to give you a limit and go and pick it yourself. If you are this upset over your ring and his imput on it, don't get married cause it only gets worse from here, guys don't think the same way we do. They don't get involved unless there are tools. LOL Good luck.

Answer 9

I don't know I'd say selfish. However there's not a lot of middle ground. Either he picks out the ring or you do. Decide whether you care about the style more, or him picking it out for you. I think that he's being quite practical. (I have a rather large stone in mine, so I can see major advantages in picking it out oneself).

Answer 10

He's a guy, and most guys don't care about rings or jewelery in general. He's just acting like a guy. Just pick the ring you like that's within your preassigned budget.

Answer 11

YES - he is not interesting in shopping with you, and frankly, I do not blame him at all.  

Pretend he wants to spend thousands of dollars on a new set of golf clubs, and expects you to spend days shopping with him to find just exactly what HE wants.  You have no say in the choice.  Keep in mind the golf clubs are not for you, and he is picky like you.  Would YOU be interested in being dragged from store to store shopping with HIM?  I seriously doubt you would enjoy it at all.

Sometimes you have to "put yourself in the other persons shoes", and understand that YOUR interests do not have to be, nor should anyone elses ever be expected to be same, as yours.  

Picky people are NOT at all fun to shop with - hence I no longer shop with my Mother or my oldest daughter.  WHY should I go with them since my opinion or suggestions mean nothing anyway?  That frustrates me and wastes everyones time.  NO thank you.  

Letting yourself feel "hurt" over this is just ridiculous.  You know what you want, so ask a girlfriend or your Mother to go shop with you and let him enjoy his own time.  Trust me, forcing him to shop with you will never work for either of you.  Now, get out there and find that ring girlfriend!    

Answer 12

I don't think you're being selfish. Honestly, I think you're overracting just a little. You have to understand that MOST (if not all) guys aren't like us when it come to details. Just pick a ring that you like (and try not to get something just because of the price) and have him buy it for you. He already did what he had to do by proposing to you. :)

Answer 13

Some men just don't care, I think he's actually being quite kind by telling you to choose what you want.  He could have gone out and bought something (and you know he isn't interested in the process, so you probably would not have liked it), this is his way of being generous and thoughtful.

No you aren't being selfish by wanting a nice ring and being 'picky' about what you get.

However you are selfish by demanding that he care about the entire ring choosing thing.  Some men just don't, and you'll have to live with that.  Maybe the best you can do is choose 3 and ask his opinions, that way he will still feel kind of involved (and you will feel as if he is too) but not too strenuously.

I'm lucky that my fiance loved ring shopping, he was more interested than I was when we went together, lol, but it isn't that way for everyone!

Answer 14

You are not being selfish, you are just being you.  It sounds like you are particular in how you want things to be.  You have in your mind what would look nice, what a good value is, and have researched diamonds.  Because you have taken the time to do this, you have made yourself an educated consumer, and will come up with a wonderful ring.  

All of this effort on your part is why he loves you, and also why I bet you drive him crazy sometimes.  He knows that whatever it is, you will want it to be "just right".  On the one hand, that is great.  Being picky means that you will do a good job pretty much all the time.  On the other hand, it drives him nuts because it also means that everything has a "right" and "wrong" to it.  From how to fold the towels to what car to buy, it all matters a lot to you.  So for him, the battle is over before it begins.  He knows he is going to loose.  He wants to make you happy, and you have an idea about how it should be done, so he just defers to you.  

Pay attention to what is happening now.  This is a pattern that will last for your entire marriage.  Are you happy with it?  Well, sort of.  You do get what you want, and he did say "just pick out the ring and we'll buy it".  Those are pretty big parameters.  He didn't say "Pick out something that's cheap" or "Here's the ring- hope it's ok."  He loves you and wants you to have something you will be pleased with.  He doesn't say anything because he'll hear you say "Yes, but...."

Here's the up and down side of the situation- you will get what you want, and it will be good stuff because you are particular.  So the house, the kids, the ring, whatever it is, will be nice.  And he wants "nice", too, so it works.  The downside is that you are always the leader, and can start to feel alone in the battle.  Just like now with the ring, you are doing the work, and he's along for the ride.  He's supportive, but you are making the decisions.  On a bad day, that can backfire.  He can resent that you made the choice you did, even though he went along with it at the time.  So if the ring is too expensive and puts you in debt, it's your fault.  If you buy the wrong house, and it needs a lot of repairs, it's your fault.

How do I know this?   I've lived in a marriage just like this for 24 years.      

Answer 15

that's how most men act.  

Answer 16

Well, he said it all, I suppose. You've obviously given him the feeling that you are picky, and that's it.

It's a shame, though. I love that my husband chose my rings, and they are lovely.

Answer 17

For starters, you've already admitted yourself that you are picky. The fact that he, being a guy, picked up on this is already a home-run for him! Very observant on his part! :)

If you knew that whatever you picked out for him he wouldn't like and want to return it , you would rather him pick it himself, right? So.... that being said my advice to you is to pick out 3 or 4 rings you love and could live with for the rest of your life. You show him and he gets the final pick. He then proposes to you again ring and all. This is a win/win solution, he feels like he picked out a ring for you and you have a ring you love! Viola.... problem solved!  :)

best wishes...................

Answer 18

I bought my wifes engagement ring at an army post in Oklahoma, just before I was shipped out to fight in Korea. It cost me my entire months salary, and it was tiny. Later in life when I had my own business, I bought her a new ring, but she wanted to keep her old one instead. I miss her.

Answer 19

Dear DJ

No I do not think that you are being to selfish ok

That is # 1 you need to pick out the ring yourself because # 2 is you will have to wear the ring the rest of your life ok

# 3 it him where it really hurts the price the size and the type of diamond shape and cut In my opinion I think a 3 cart is very fair and the more he acts like a baby add a cart to it by the why you did not  in any away act selfish that is why I am not married my mother always said I was the brightest out of all my brothers the smart one even though I am handicapped. And to add mr. smarty pants wants to pop the question and did not even bring the ring yup sounds like my first brother alright been married 3 times divorced 2 times so just remember this is how family live really works out with the in laws on his side of the family sound just like my bothers other 2 just give it some more thought on the ring ok I hope this helps and makes you all laugh because my spirits are very low today