Am I being unreasonable? Criminal family member. Need advice!!?

Question

My cousin, who I already dislike, was in prison for 3 years (sentenced for 6, but let out due to over crowding/ good behavior). My mom and his mom (my aunt) literally treated the whole thing like he was away at summer camp. They wrote him all the time (just stupid stuff like this is what's going on at home..etc. they never wrote anything like.. what are you going to do to turn your life around? etc.) and sent him money for all kinds of stuff. a tv, extra food, extra shampoo...whatever else he wanted to buy in prison. i dunno.

Here's the thing that really drives me nuts....no one knows what the heck he did!!

Now, i guess he didn't kill anyone because he wasn't in prison for very long, but i dunno. Now he is out and my family is talking about thanksgiving and christmas plans. (we all live all over the country, so we have to start planning early) they are all planning on going to california (where some of my family is, including my criminal cousin) because he is on probation and cannot leave the state.

Here are my problems/ questions.

Is there a way that I can find out his crime? He was in Centinela prison in California ( I think!)

Should I just demand to know what he did before I fly across the country to break bread with him?

If it ends up being something that I find especially terrible, would it be horrible for me to just not go?

It is important for you to know that I am a criminal justice major going into my third year of college. My dad is a retired homicide detective. (the cousin is NOT on my dad's side of the family) I have known that i wanted to be in law enforcement since I was very very young. I have a very strict idea of right and wrong and I have great morals. Also, I have disliked this cousin since we were kids. (he is two years older than me, TO THE DAY!, so we were forced to play together when we were little, because my mom and his mom are sisters who are very close and we used to live near eachother.)

Am i being unreasonable? I feel like i am not (and my dad is on my side) but my mom is flipping out saying that i just need to suck it up and go for the rest of my family.

Any advise. similar situations. anything would be helpful

Answer 1

i understand where your coming from, you can look up his criminal record on the internet on the prison web site or google his name. you could always ask what he did, but theres no guarantee that youll get an answer. and although you want to know what he was sent to prison for, before you go to california whether he shoplifted or j-walked, if he raped you, you shouldnt want to be around him at all. and you should say something, because he may do it or have done it to another family member. stop it before it happens again.

Answer 2

I don't think you are being unreasonable.. regardless of his criminal record you have stated that you just don't like him. Why should you be forced to be around someone that you just don't like?

Answer 3

I believe u can ask. I'm not sure if thats public record or not. If you dont feel safe i wouldnt go. Something could happen in reality. ur right its not murder but it could b assault. Good luck on ur findings.

Answer 4

well it seems you should be able to look at your maybe county clerks office online (like here in clermont co ohio our criminal record search is clermontclerk.org) and you can see who did what by typing in the name. it has to be the county he commited the crime in tho. just do a search on that countys courts or clerks office, and find record seach. also you could do a prison search for the state of california. but i think it does all depend on what he did. you do have to remember that not everyone is perfect and family is family. you should still love him but not what he does (well i know it doesnt always work like that...i hate everything about my mom lol). so just take a breather and think this thru. mabye it wasnt so bad or maybe he just got off on the wrong track...hey it happens to the best of us. hopefully he can get his life together before its too late. maybe he needs someone to talk to him since everyone is ignoring it? how about you? good luck!

Answer 5

This is the part that gets me... you say that "nobody knows" what he did.  How is that possible?  Your mom and your aunt definitely know, that's just impossible that they wouldn't.  Someone is lying to you I think.  I would flatly refuse to go unless you're told in detail what he did to get arrested, tried and imprisoned.  If nobody in the family can offer that to you, they can enjoy Thanksgiving in their own deception.

Please also be prepared to be forgiving of whatever he has done once you find out, and it's ok to excuse yourself if it was a violent or particularly disdainful crime.  I call it Christian, you call it "great morals."

Answer 6

Sweetheart! That's the trouble with rape victims! they DON'T speak out! If you had had the courage to do so when he started taking advantage of you back then, you wouldn't be writing your question now! He would still be in jail!! But, you didn't - so! seeing as you are over 18, no one can force you to get on a plane and go to this family get together for Christmas! You don't have to SUCK it up to anyone! Even if it means you spend Christmas alone! Tell your Mom you are NOT going to be a hypocrit, and act like he is your long lost brother - you don't like him, and don't want to see him, and if she STILL freaks out on this - and maybe its time to let the cat out of the bag -  ASK HER POINT BLANK, WHY WAS HE THROWN IN JAIL IN THE FIRST PLACE! AND TELL HER WHAT HE DID TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE A KID!!!! If that doesn't stop her cold, nothing will!!! Believe me, keeping that secret for so long, is not good for you.  You will find telling someone, even if they don' t believe you, YOU will feel better. I am sure your Dad will stand by you, and will understand why you kept it a secret! Most victims are ashamed of what happened to them, and blame themselves instead of the rapist! Not only that, your Mom and Aunt still think the sun shines out of his rear end, and it's very likely THEY wouldn't have believed you back then! Tell her that!!! NOW! THEY have a choice! Believe her own daughter and her niece or not!!!

Answer 7

Your not being unreasonable.  You are an adult and if you don't want to sit with someone who was in prison, family member or not you don't have to.  His criminal record would be public, just get as much information on him as you can and start playing on the internet, most places do hold a little bit of info online that you can view....charges at least.

Don't worry about a family member being held against you, we can pick our friends but not our family.

Another thing, do remember that if you would normally travel to be with your family don't let his presence keep you from that.  It's your family also, it doesn't mean you have to be buddies and socialize like your long lost friends.

Answer 8

It didn't need to be said.. you don't owe someone here any explanation. In reality, you don't owe YOUR FAMILY an explanation, unless you find out that he might have been in for statutory (or non statutory) rape.

You should be fully aware of the long term damage of such trauma, and there is no reason to subject yourself to this. It is called ASSERTIVENESS, and something that is a quality.

If you find out that this is what he did, then maybe you DO need to consider making it clear, at least to your parents, that you refuse to associate with him, and why. Consider that fact that if this was not limited to you... then other kids in the family can be at risk.

Yes, it may mean family conflict to say the least.. but you are not responsible for his choices, or the consequences of them.  

Answer 9

the first thing that i feel is you are being judgemental-if that is how you feel the criminal justice system works ( which it is guilty till proven innocent and either way you pay) it is, obvious you hardened your heart,i personally dont care,so i guess if you reread your question you already made up your mind-yes you are being unreasonable,and a poor "criminal justice major"

Answer 10

Criminal records of those over 18 are generally public record.

You would need to find out what County he was charged in or at least what State to start looking .

You can go to your local Courthouse and I am sure they will assist you in obtaining this information.

Also as an adult you of course have every right to say that you do not wish to travel to where he is....