Am I failing as a SAHM?

Question

My husband and I had an argument the other day because I said I was thinking of getting an evening job after our 11 month old daughter is asleep to help put some money away for Christmas as he has said he won't be buying her any presents as 'she won't remember it anyway'. First, he said he didn't want me to get a job as he wanted to relax after work and not have to put her back to sleep if she wakes, then he said if I do get one, then the money will be going towards paying for the huge TV he got for himself on (interest free) credit to play video games on which I thought was unfair, and said that our daughter needs things. To this he responded, 'what she needs, is to start going to nursery where she will actually be stimulated and bought up properly rather than wasting her life at home with you'. When I asked what he meant, he said he thought I was a rubbish SAHM and using it as an excuse not to work, and that she'd develop better in a nursery. Obviously I was very hurt, as I love being a stay at home mum and being there for everything and until he said that I'd thought I was doing okay. My daughter and I go swimming, we go for walks with the dog, we sing, we dance, we bake, we play, we go out to meet other babies, we read, we draw, we go on nature walks, we learn about the alphabet - my entire day is centred around her until she goes to bed at night. We are not arguing anymore, but he hasn't taken back what he said, he says it's still his opinion :o( What do you think, do you think I am failing my daughter?

Answer 1

i think you are doing a fantastic job and you should be proud of yourself, being a stay at home mum is one of the hardest jobs going.

it sounds to me like your husband is very jealous of your daughter and of the bond you have with her,

iv got 3 children and my husband is all for me doing evening work, he doesnt bat an eyelid at putting them back to bed, cooking his own dinner etc etc

he will even do some of the housework for me......

i dont mean to sound rude here but your daughter may not have actual memories of christmas but when she is older the photo's will speak for themselves

evening work is great as it will give you back some freedom and you will meet new friends but before you decide to go for it please have a good hard thinking session,

not meaning to be out of order but would your husband look after your daughter properly, go to her if she woke up crying, soothe her if she was ill or just cuddle her if thats what she needed?

i personally couldnt stay in a marraige where my children were ranked beneath a huge tv,

as children get older they cost alot more money and a spitefull husband now will only get worse,

good luck x

Answer 2

Hi

I do think your husband needs to help a bit more but (you're not gonna like this) I think 'GUTTED' made some good points!

You did say you wanted to get a job so why not get one during the week?

People here are slating nurseries - but what about the mums who cant afford the luxury of being a SAHM? we have no choice but to put our babies into nurseries - Does that make us bad mothers?

Like 'GUTTED' said its good to get a different point of view.

Your husband can't be all bad otherwise why would you have married and had a baby with him?

Answer 3

You sound as though you're doing fine, and you seem to be offering your daughter all the types of things that money can't buy, so I maybe wouldn't be too concerned about putting away a lot of money for Christmas, just enough to make it something a bit special but nothing too extravagent.  She is obviously much better off with you than she would be in a nursery so I don't quite see where your husband is coming from.  It sounds as though there are a few issues you need to be sorting out with him.  If he's the type who over-reacts and 'his bark is worse than his bite' he may just have said hurtful things because he didn't feel you were taking his wishes into account about the evening job, in which case you might be able to compromise to do slightly fewer hours.  If however he is serious that the money you earn should go towards the TV I find that a bit alarming, seeing it is his responsibility and he should be the one doing the evening job if he wants to pay it off.!!!

Answer 4

Oh my goodness.  It sounds as if you are giving your daughter a wonderful environment to grow up in.   You should be proud of yourself.  Your husband, IMO, was way out of line and obviously doesnt see all that you are doing!

Answer 5

Im sorry to say this but ur husband sound like a complete IDIOT! from what ur saying it sounds as though u are a fantastic mum. i think ur husband is just jealous of u and ur childs relationship because u, as u should, care more about ur childs needs instead of his! Hes a big boy now he really needs to stop being so selfish!  

Answer 6

Sounds to me like you're a fantastic SAHM and your bloke if a terrible husband AND father. He can't even be bothered to put her back to sleep if she wakes? Does he do anything? Ever?

My bloke was like that, so I kicked him out. We're back together now, but he's not moved back in yet, and he makes a LOT more effort with the boys now that he knows I'm not going to sit back and let him do nothing.

Your previous questions said you were considering splitting...I really don't blame you, your daughter deserves a better environment than that hun.

Answer 7

OMFG sry to be so harsh, but what kind of selfish piece of **** person did you marry?

Answer 8

You are not failing your daughter.  Your partner is failing you and your daughter.

My daughter is now 3 and a half and I returned to work (through necessity) when she was 6 months old and for the last 3 years I have worked 3 nights (4pm to midnight) a week, with my partner SHARING the childcare!  Your other half needs a kick up the backside, and it sounds like you are going to have to be tough with him as he is obviously terrified that he might have to pull his finger out of his ar*e and actually do something.

Please don't feel bad - you are giving your daughter the best start in life she could have, by being a loving, caring mother.

Answer 9

h**l NO, You are not failing your daughter, it's a proven fact that Mum's who stay at home (understandably some just don't have that choice and hats off to those who do have to return to work) are doing the best thing possible for their children's future, for some reason it has been proven  that children who are raised by their mum's do better in school and in life later on then those who are put into daycare etc (not hugely but marginally better). and OMG your husband is a selfish pig! If my husband made our daughters miss out on things they needed there was be serious issues to resolve because I will not stand by and stunt their growth and well being, I'm sorry but at 11 months old they do NEED toys etc as it teaches co-ordination and colours and textures etc as well as social interaction with other children like with sharing etc, also as they get older to look after them etc.

I mean come on, a grown man putting a big telly to play video games on ahead of his baby girls needs, UNBELIEVABLE. He is a total A$$hole, and I just don't know what to say, I would seriously considering dumping his A$$, so you and your daughter can live normal lives as you should, toys and all. He is making sure your daughter fails, You are not, you are being a GOOD MUM and don't let that a***e tell you any different.

Answer 10

No, I think you need to leave your husband.  sounds like he's failing as a husband and a father; you'd be better off with someone who appreciates you.

Answer 11

You aren't failing your child. You're providing her with great experiences that she NEEDS. Your husband was hurtful, and he is behaving poorly. A new TV does not come before before the child's need--and yes, the child's need include loving, giving traditions. Not to say that she needs a million toys, but if you want to work you should be able to.

I don't think it would hurt for the child to go to daycare one day a week (and I am generally not fond of daycare) in order to compromise with your husband. If he believes that she needs daycare for her development and you can't convince him otherwise she is his child too. But you should be able to choose what your own money is going towards and it sounds like you need to talk to him. Something is bugging him and making him resentful. If his controlling of your cash flow is not acceptable, you need to let him know. But I doubt you want him to be miserable either, even if he did hurt your feelings.

Answer 12

Well it sounds to me like you're a wonderful SAHM, your daughter is well stimulated and well looked after, you obviously love her, dedicate yourself to her and think of her needs first.

Your other half on the other hand sounds selfish and childish, he should be happy to help you out with your daughter and glad you want to spend so much time with her. He should also appreciate that you want to get this part time job to help out with money.

Honestly-you'd be better off without him as he's clearly bringing you down.

Answer 13

Sounds to me like you should leave this selfish b*****d (sorry I know that's mean). He just want's to relax? He doesn't seem to understand that you work all day as well. Just because you work in the home raising your daughter doesn't mean it's not a real job.

Seriously you are not the bad parent here he is. If he hasn't started abusing you already then he will start soon. Either that or he'll start cheating on you. Neither one is good. (Trust me on this I know the personality! My dad was a wife beater.)

YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!!! He's the one who's "rubish".

Good Luck. It sounds like you have some hard decisions ahead of you.  

Answer 14

Absolutely not. He is. Was he this much of a jerk before you got married????

Answer 15

Dad seems like a jealous fat ***.

Honey, you seem like you are a terrific sahm. I was a sahm mom too until my daughter was 3.4 and the fact that you are taking walks, singing, dancing and baking... shows how active you are with your daughter. It is not like you plop her on front of the t.v. all day.

(It is actually okay to let her glance at t.v. while you are prepping her meal or snack, or you need a 10-15 minute break).

Men can sometimes be heartless b******s and your husband seems to be one. (sorry)

Nurseries don't raise babies they WATCH them she needs YOU, her mother right by her side. This is the best thing for baby to be at home with mommy for the first year of life. I bet when dad comes home the baby doesn't even get too excited, I bet your baby just wants YOU all the time and dad just gets jealous.

Mom you have a heart, and I think that your baby deserves a Christmas however, I would think about it twice leaving my baby alone with this prick. It's a shame that you bust your butt all day to ony hear this c**p from your husband.

You already have a full time job mom, and it sounds like you are doing great maybe you can find some way to make money at home, but if you know dad won't hurt baby, and you really want to, then you should go out and work. When you get that pay check you buy you and your baby something.

Hang in there mom.

Answer 16

Well, I thought i was a good sahm until i read all the stuff you do with your daughter (makes me sound like a lazy slob!!)  

Some men just don't have a clue - (although i do agree that she wont remember what you get her for Christmas this year - but that's not the point)  - and that was some pretty mean stuff to say to you.

i hope you can get past what he said and be strong in the knowledge that you are doing the best for your daughter!  Keep it up!

Answer 17

No you're absolutely not failing your daughter, by the sounds of it you're doing a fantastic job and I'm a firm believer that especially at such an early age they need all the attention you can possibly afford them.

As a Dad, I've experienced both sides of the fence, I worked 9-5 when I met my partner who had 2 kids from a previous relationship, we then had a baby who she looked after for the first 9 months of her life.

During this time, I confess to having times of wondering what she did with her time all day long (although I hasten to add I never spoke to her about it in the way you have said, AND she never did half the stuff that you are doing with your daughter).

After my baby was 9 months old, we swapped roles, I took over looking after the kids while Mum went out to work - and only then did I realise and understand just how much work it was.

I suggest that your husband

a) doesn't realise how much hard work it is looking after kids all day long

b) probably is jealous of the fact that he goes out to work all day long whilst you get the benefit of spending time with your daughter (and it is definitely a benefit)

c) probably actually wants to spend some of his time with you on an evening - you're getting time with your daughter all day long but he has to spend his time with work colleagues...

As for the huge TV, I'm afraid it's something all blokes feel the need to own, but definitely not at the expense of Christmas presents for their children!

Answer 18

Absolutely not! You are in no way failing your daughter, it seems to me that you are a brilliant mum, hes the one that is failing your daughter. He sounds very selfish and obviously only thinks about himself. If i were you i would take my daughter and go somewhere that i was appreciated. Men like that never change. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Good luck.x

Answer 19

You sound like a great stay at home mum. Your husband sounds like a d**k.

Answer 20

Hi

Why don't you make a compromise, and get a job one day in the week and put your daughter into nursery for that one day.

That way she still spends most days with you, and she also benefits from a bit of variety by going to nursery one day a week and learning to mingle with other babies, then you can make some money to buy her a christmas present. Also your husband still gets to relax! (although he should help you out a bit more)

Everyone's a winner!

EDIT: I knew i'd get the thumbs down - men just aren't allowed to answer questions in the parenting section.

I'm just giving a different point of view.

Get real girls she isnt going to divorce him like you all advise.

To make things work in a family you need to compromise. She said she WANTS to get a job all im saying is why not get one during the week?

Never mind you lot carry on being bitter man haters.

Answer 21

You are doing an excellent job with your daughter.  Your husband is the one being selfish and needs to start thinking about his daughter and not himself.  You wanted to get a job so your daughter would have a nice Christmas and there is nothing wrong with that.   The only way you would be failing your daughter is if you listen to your husband and send her to nursery.  You can give her a lot more at home then what a nursery could.

Answer 22

What a selfish gobshite, You sound like your doing a fantastic job and your daughter will grow up better for it its a pity more mum's wouldn't stay at home and do what your doing.  Your daughter does need a few toys at Christmas its what its all about, Christmas is for parents aswell I love seeing the excitement on my children's faces on Christmas morning!!  

He sounds like a lazy shite and I wouldn't put up with that....does he spend anytime with your daughter?  Once a week go to a friends house in the evening for a few hours and see what he has to do make sure your daughter is still up so he has to put her to bed etc, give him a taste of what your day involves and take no c**p from him

All us SAHM's need a wee break now and again and my husband encourages me to go out more its a pity yours doesn't do the same, sit him down and tell him how he is making you feel, if he isn't bothered maybe he isn't the person you should be spending the rest of your life with, your worth more

Answer 23

I think ur daytime activities sound wonderful with ur daughter. I hope my days with bub are as fullfilling as urs sounds!

I dont think guys get certain things.. My other half wen asked if he thout i would be a good mother was "dunno yet" Im like wtf!! oh well so i asked if he thout he would be a good dad n he said he didnt know about that either..

Dont listen to him! I just ignore my other half, men drive u nuts!!

xx