Am I getting married too young? (really long!)?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating since October of 2006. I was 16 at the time and he was 17. We have been dating for two years and so that would make me 18 and he is now 19.

I guess I'll start off by explaining a bit of our relationship. We had an amazing first year until he was to move to FL and I stayed in VA. Two months after he left, a new friend of mine had told me that he had cheated on me, during the first two months of our relationship and that right before he left he also had cheated on me again. I couldn't believe my ears, right when I got home I asked him about it and he confessed. Two weeks later I told him "once a cheater always a cheater" and left him. I pretty much cried for the next four months and then started dating someone to heal the pain, meanwhile, my ex was still texting/calling regularly crying and wanting me back. After dating the rebound guy for about two weeks I realized I still love my ex and started to talk to him again ( I had ignored him for the four months he still called and texted.) He came to visit once during the four months but my heart was still shattered and couldn't take it. I figured, he's still fighting for me after the six months and gave him a chance to show me he's changed. He really has and he's like a completely different man in the way he thinks and acts. I visited him in July for a month and his mom took me into a room and told me how he was suicidal and extremely depressed he had to go on pills because the depression was even making him puke blood, he lost weight, and I really believed he regretted it. His mom told me about the talks they had how I was the one, he didn't even go out, and he still has no friends in FL because all he cares about is me.

So here we are back together. We're planning on moving in together in two months and if all goes well, in a year, (me 19, he's 20) will get married. I was just wondering what other people thought?

Answer 1

Don't do it! you are still so young and this relationship seems full of negativity and you don't want to start your life off with all this misery and confusion. i would walk away now!

Answer 2

yes.  RUN LIKE h**l!  

Answer 3

First of all, 9 months is not a long time at all.  Sometimes young men do make immature mistakes like cheating and grow out of it.  But if he cheated that recently he really needs to prove himself for much longer before he should be trusted.  19 may not ALWAYS be too young to get married, but this situation sounds dangerous.  I think maybe you want security due to your past experiences, and you are placing your trust in the wrong place.  Maybe in a few years everything will still be great, and THEN maybe you would be ready for marriage.  But I think you would be taking a big risk marrying this guy so soon.  

Answer 4

You are to young to marry so don't .  Take this episode  in your life and  learn from it..  

Answer 5

to young, move in together and see how that goes first then in 2 years time get married. trust me men change when living with them and you might not like his new habits.

Answer 6

I am not saying don't marry him, just don't marry him yet.  Many of these issues may come back to haunt your marrige by you or him resenting the other if it doesn't work out, and a blame game could start later.  You THINK you are ready and mature, but the reality is that 25 years from now (I know), you will be 45 or so, much more experienced and wiser and will look back and say "What was I thinking?"  Even if you are still married, it doesn't mean you will be happily married.  You could be "stuck" in a horrible marrige with kids etc... and not able to leave quickly for many reasons.  I highly suggest you re-evaluate your feelings and his to truly determine how mature he is too, and especially if he loves you for the right reasons and the same for you.  Then if you know you two love each other for the right reasons, then make a year or two or longer engagement.  In fact, finish college first, get a good career going, then plan a wedding if at that point you are still together and the love and respect is there.

Answer 7

If you have to ask strangers if you should get married then I think you know the answer to your own question. I would say do not get married yet. My hubby and I got together at 18. We waited 8 years to get married. If it is right then waiting won't break you apart.

Answer 8

Please don't do it, you are both too immature.

Answer 9

Your palnning on moving in together?

Your planning on s******g up is what your doing hon.He has mental and emotional problems and"your love" isn't going to heal or fix him.

You say he has changed.Unless you have been living with him you do not KNOW that or what he does when he is 1200 miles away from you.

He has no freinds in Fla.Yet is on good terms with you?

He has other problems then.

When you move in with him you will not be allowed to go out with your friends because he will be jealous.He is insecure, that causes depression and it also causes jealousy and he will want to control you 100%.

The BEST thing to do is let him move to your area,get a job and a place ofhis own, then date for a year no s*x or shacking and see what happens.If he cheated on you before,chances are he has since then.

However even if he hasn't entering into a marriage with someone who is not emotionally and mentally healthy is a BAD MISTAKE.

You have nothing to lose by doing what I suggested.If he loves you now and him in Fla.,then he will love you a year from now living in his own place in your area.You will see what kind of work ethics he has and if he is willing to wait for you without s*x.

Answer 10

First of all, forget about him being sad/depressed. Forget what he or his mother wants. Forget what everyone wants but you. What do YOU want? Do you still love him enough to forget that he's cheated on you before? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If so, then go for it.

One thing i've learned is that you can NOT base your decisions on how other people feel. Only *your* feelings should affect what you decide.

Answer 11

you r far too young for a life time commitment. i would say give it time. then when u have gained trust then decide. goodluck

Answer 12

I know you may not want to hear this: but you are heading for a train wreck.

You may love him, but dear, it takes more than love to make a marriage work.

First and foremost, you mentioned that he was suicidal over you. This is hugely indicative that he is an unstable person and prone to poor and rash decisions. When a person is suicidal there are usually many more issues going on other than the big one (you not getting back together with him). There are a lot of underlying problems that he needs to deal with and he should seek professional help immediately to work through these.

Second, you mentioned that you were abused extensively. This is extremely alarming, especially as you haven't mentioned any therapy, nor have you said how you dealt with the problem other than saying that you had to mature quicker to understand it. A lot of cause to you feeling so connected and reluctant to let him go, is probably because when a person is abused they crave someone they can trust. The thought of losing that person is terrible to you, I can tell.

I'm not saying that the two of you should never get married. But both of you need to seek mental, spiritual, and physical treatment. To have a successful marriage you want to be a whole, happy individual before you give yourself to someone else. Why would you want to give yourself, broken, to the one you love (and vice versa).

Take some time to yourself to think over this. It is a very important and life changing decision that you're making.

Best of luck.

Answer 13

Yes, entirely to young.  

He seems to have a lot of issues, and a lot of growing up to do before he is capable of even taking care of himself, let alone sharing a life with you. And if you move in with him now and or marry him you will be stepping right into his mothers shoes, watching him, holding his hand, and speaking to others to try to explane why he is the way he is.

And the fact that he still has no friends in FL "because all he cares about is you" well that just sends up all kinds of red flags.

Think about yourself, about your future, you are young, you have your future ahead of you, don't drop it all for a man who seem to have a lot of issues.  And I have to say this and I'm sorry if it makes you angry, and I'm sure you won't believe me, but the signs you have written above are sure signs of an abuser, maybe not physical yet, but defiantly mental, and once he ropes you in it only gets worse.  So please think long and hard before you move in with him.  

Answer 14

Give it 3-4 years of living together before marrying. Better to be absolutely positive!

Answer 15

You're too young. You don't know how much pressure a marriage brings. Once you get married, many things will change. Consider the consequences.  

Answer 16

Give it more time so he can really prove he's changed then decide. Good luck!

Answer 17

I wouldn't put some time frame on when you should get married. Things always change and time will affect your relationship together and whether it becomes stronger or not. Also, if he has truly changed, that's wonderful, but I would be careful about his emotional health... what he went through while he was not with you is not healthy.

Answer 18

I also believe in once a cheater, always a cheater.  He cheated twice and that should have been a good indication of his character.  I think if you're serious about this person then you really should wait to get married.  Be engaged and enjoy each other without the marriage part.  What happens once you're married and he decides to cheat?  Please give some serious thought about waiting longer to get married.  Good luck in whatever you decide.

Answer 19

too young!

Answer 20

Well I can't say that you are too young because I married at 18.  We have now been married 5 years and have a 2 year old son!  Be 100% sure that this is what you want!  Getting married is so easy!  Staying married is the hard part.  And getting out will not be easy given that you decide one day hey maybe i shoulda waited!!  But no one is going to be able to tell you what to do.  Do what you feel is right.  But one wise word of advice his mother grandmother anyone is going to tell you that he walks on water!  that is her son believe me i know!!  I have a wonderful mother in law but she talks her son up and he is not God!  but to ask her he is so be careful be wise!!!!

Answer 21

yea i think so think about marriage is for the long hual ok, and yall have to make sure that the young and dumb days like partying and being kids is really over with ya know, so there isnt any temptetation out there, id wait a few more yrs if yall can respect each other then it shouldnt be a problem, dont rush tho.

Answer 22

i dont think youre too young

but i think that maybe your relationship is too young

i believe that ppl can get married when theyre 18 19 and be happy together forever if its the right relationship

i just dont believe that your relationship is as mature as you might be

Answer 23

If you want an honest opinion--too young. And I'm not saying this out of nowhere. I was 19 when I first wanted to get married...I *almost* did, but due to some circumstances it didn't happen. 3 years later, when I was 22...I has a completely different person. In just a few years, especially after your late teens...that is the time that you learn and experience so many things all at once. You will like different things. You will have different opinions than what you had few years back.

Trust me on this. I never thought I could even say this, considering I was extremely rebellious as a teen and have run away on a plane. Marriage is complex in a way that it is also a legal matter. I understand you love each other, so for both your sakes, don't get married and just wait it out, at least after you've both graduated from college....it doesn't hurt to wait. You will still love each other anyway, and will still be interacting.

btw lots of people has had to grow up and face their demons in their teens...that still does not make you automatically ready for marriage. You haven't even experienced getting a job (and I don't mean side-jobs)...you're world will be completely different...coupled with so many other things you will go through, the sacrifices, the dilemmas...they could even be 100x harder than crying over your boyfriend or slitting your wrist for your loved one. Your strength will be tested. Based on your details...yes he loves you very much, but expect more trials to come...and see if both of you are still willing to tie the knot. This is the main purpose of "waiting"...to allow more trials to stream in and know more abt each of your capabilities/weaknesses which you might not even realize.