Am I handling the birth mother situation okay?

Question

My daughter is 10 years old. My husband and I adopted her as a newborn. Her birth mother and I became very close during the process.

I made it very clear to her that she was always welcome in our lives. She came to visit a few times, but quit contacting us after my daughter's first birthday.

Recently, she has come back into our lives. She says she has no regrets and knows that 'our little girl' is where she should be. She came to visit once and then came to my daughter's birthday party. She didn't call her on her actual birthday and she didn't attend her awards program. I am really concerned that she might drop out of our lives again. My daughter would be devastated.

My daughter and I have talked a lot and I've reassured her that it's okay to love both of us. I am careful to listen more than I talk and to let her know that whatever she feels is okay.

Any input from adoptees concerning what I should or shouldn't do? It's very important to me not to mess this up.

Answer 1

I think that it's great that you're keeping the lines of communicationn open. I would just make one suggestion if it hasn't been done. When she comes to see your daughter, does she get to go off and spend time alone or is everyone there for the occassion? If possible, try letting them go off together and having some alone time without everyone watching.

Best wishes.

Answer 2

wow.  as an adoptee who hates adoption, i can say i think you're really cool.  i'm glad your daughter has you.

i think i would really tell her other mother exactly what you just said- that your daughter is so aware of her and you are concerned that she might slip away.

just remind her how much she is needed.

Answer 3

I agree with anastasia, talk to the birthmom about your concerns. She might not feel she is important enough to devastate your daughter. She needs to know how your daughter is feeling. Even though she feels giving up her child was a good thing, it still might be painful for her to see you as a family.

I think that talking to your daughter about her feelings is great. You are doing the right thing.

Answer 4

I'm going through a similar situation with my son's first mom.  I've opened the doors, and yet she doesn't seem interested.  

It sounds like your daughter has a wonderful mom in you, and my prayers are for you.  Explain to your daughter that some women have problems within themselves to parent, and that it is not her fault at all.  Good luck, and my prayers are with your daughter!

Answer 5

It sounds like you're handling it very well.  The only other thing you might consider doing is letting her know how your daughter feels when she misses milestones or drops out of the picture altogether for periods of time.  Maybe she could make up some birthday cards and such for you to pass on to your daughter on birthdays when her birth mother can't/won't be part of the celebration.  That way she would still feel that connection.

I love that you're letting her know that it's ok to love both of you and that you're allowing her to express her feelings.  Good for you!

Answer 6

We are guardians of my niece and nephew and we are having this problem with their dad.  He lets them down, doesn't call, doesn't show for visits.  It is so heartbreaking.  We have tried to talk to him and he always agrees that he will try harder and then he abandons them again.

We try to be very careful not to ever speak badly of their father.  At the same time, we also have learned that we cannot protect them from the reality of who he is either.  They need to know the truth about him and HIS actions speak louder than anything.  We are always honest with them and try to be a supportive, loving shoulder when they are sad or disappointed.  So, like, recently after he stood them up I just told them how sorry I was and gave them a hug. We also try and reassure them that their parent does love them, he just has trouble showing it. Again, we are never critical.  They can connect the dots, they know what kind of person he his and they love him.

It is so hard to see a child you love go through this.  If you have tried to talk to the mother and she still is in and out of their lives, know that your love and support mean everything to them.  You are giving them a gift by supporting this relationship. Even if it is flawed beyond belief, that connection, and the truth are incredibly important.

ETA-Very interesting that the the only people here getting thumbs down are those of us who are living this and trying to share our experiences honestly.  Hmm.  

Sizesmith, Sk8ter mom, thanks for sharing your real life experiences.  I know it helps me to know others are struggling with this too.

Answer 7

Dear MS A,

You're doing a great job! I agree with Anastasia and Snowwillow.

I wish with all my heart that D. were more like you.

Answer 8

As a birth mother myself, I wonder why so many have difficulty keeping in contact.  I couldn't live with myself if I didn't have that opportunity, or didn't take it every chance I got.  

Anyway, I think you are doing right by your daughter and her birth mother.  I hope everything works out for the best.

Answer 9

I'm in the same boat. My kids mom dropped off the face of the planet for over 5 years. She started calling about 4 months ago but it has now been almost 6 weeks since I have heard anything. She never comes to visit as she moved to TX and sometimes I am glad because I know she is destined to disappear again. I never know what to tell my kids when they ask about her. I have always spoke well of her even though she is not a good person. Now my son thinks she can do no wrong and wants to know when she is coming to visit. She promised him she was coming but I know better. She used to do this to them all the time years ago before she disappeard..."I have tons of Christmas presents for you", "you are going to come stay the night at my house soon"...all lies. She means well but she is mentally ill.

  I just say, "well, she is welcome to come anytime but don't get your hopes up honey." I tell them that she loves them but her brain is sick and a lot of the time she says things and then can't make them come true.

I know your situation sounds different than mine as she has actually been there to visit and may not have the in and out of jail past that my kids mom has but I think the best thing is to just reinforce the fact that 2 mommies love her so much. Even though my boys' BM has her problems, I know she does love them in her own way. I know they will figure it out in a few more years. They are 12 and 10. Its sad when that happens and I don't know the "right" answers. I just do the best I can with what I got. Good luck sweetie.