Am I making the right choice in thinking of leaving my husband?

Question

My husband and I have been together for about ten years. We are about to have our four year wedding anniversary a little later this year. I have serious doubts about whether or not I am in love anymore and if I should stay.

A couple months ago, I started becoming unhappy. We weren't spending a lot of time together and we weren't using our time together in good ways. Instead of going out and doing new stuff, we just stayed home or did things we usually did. Nothing new. For a long time, I'd always felt that he didn't listen to me and he was not a good conversationalist at all. I could no longer ignore these issues, so we went to counseling. My husband didn't want to go, but he knew I was becoming unhappy, so he agreed to go.

We went to three sessions over the course of 1.5 months. I think the counselor helped and he's been making an effort. We have been spending more quality time together. I do think he listens a little more. And he's been better at making conversation and keeping up conversation. And while I appreciate all that, I can't help but wonder if it's enough.

I look at him and I'm not attracted to him at all. There's nothing that makes me want to have s*x with him. When I kiss him it's more affectionate. I don't want to do anything resembling intimacy. Last week when we were on vacation together, we spent a couple days in another city doing some site seeing. We then spent some time at my parents' second home. That whole week didn't kick up any emotion in me. I felt that I saw him as a friend only.

(I am pretty sure my s*x drive is fine. I find myself checking out other guys more and more and imagining what they'd be like in bed. Sure, everyone might do this from time to time, but I notice it's happening more often lately.)

This past weekend we went out with friends to a local bar. I started wondering what it would be like if some random girl were to hit on my husband. Thinking of this scenario did not make me feel jealous or angry.

I know that marriages do not revolve around s*x. I know that the frequency of s*x will decline over time. We never had s*x frequently. And the s*x was never that good. And if I'm completely honest, these feelings of not being attracted to my husband aren't new either.

Tomorrow I plan on calling the counselor in order to see her alone. I am very confused. I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want to end a marriage when maybe I shouldn't be. Yet, I don't feel happy at all. And I know my husband deserves to have someone better, too.

Any thoughts?

Answer 1

most people go through a stage of there life where they get bored of the partner but just be carefull as you may regret it in years to come

Answer 2

God thats depressing,and im sorry but it seems as though you think hes the big problem and that hes the one that needs to change when in fact it seems as though you are the one who isn't trying...im not trying to hurt you,im just giving you my opinion ,but if you are truly unhappy and you do not love him,then yes you should end it

Answer 3

wooooow talk to the counsler first

because that's a big issue

but i think try a little more

Answer 4

One statement struck me very deeply.  You said you see your husband as only a friend.  I would not be with a man I did not see as my friend.  

All relationships go through flat spots I think you are jumping the gum expeicially if he is willing to try...

Very sad if you leave him I don't see any real reason why you should.  You can say anything is really wrong except maybe some kind of midlife crisis or something like that.  Marriage is forever if he is good to you stay carma tends to come around on us you know...

Answer 5

I am interested in knowing how old you are. It sounds to me like maybe you have just outgrown him and it happens. Its not that either of you are bad people, if you were you wouldn't even care if you hurt him. Life is too short for you to be unhappy, he may be a great guy, he's just not the guy for you anymore.

If you tried to sit down and talk to him about it you might find he feels the same way you do.  s*x is important especially when you're not having it. You both obviously care about each others feelings and are nice people. I hope it all works out for you!

My reasoning for wondering how old you are is I was wondering how old you were when you two got together.

Answer 6

We usually get out of life what we consciously decide is what we want and go after that. Love has to do with how we feel about ourselves when with someone special. You no longer feel good about yourself when with your husband. Why is what you should be asking yourself....Since it appears he has not changed over time. What you have with him now is what you have always had. You just settled then and no long want to do that. If you want to be happy, you can be, just realize the one who has changed is you and only YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING YOU HAPPY. THIS IS NOT YOUR HUBBY'S JOB. So, what's it gonna be. Grow up and get to work on being happy. Good luck with comon sense.  

Answer 7

If you read what you just wrote, it seems like you know what you want already. You're unhappy and you deserve to be happy. You have no attraction towards your husband and you can't live like that forever. You know what you want, and you seem to be making the right decision. It seems like you've done all you could do. Counseling, talking to him. It's just not working out. Talk to the couselor alone, and see what she says. But it seems to me that you know what you want to do.

Answer 8

This is NOT an easy question to "answer".  

From what I can see, he is making an effort to save the marriage.

It seems like you are already gone.

You have already acknowledged a few important points.

Even so, you are pushing him away.

The key elements to a marriage are NOT being met in your eyes.  I believe you are already set up for failure in this marriage.  

THis does NOT make you a bad person, but I would question your decision to marry him in the first place.

At this point you need to make a decision as to whether you want to live in a relationship where you are  not attracted to your husband ...

1. sexually

2. purely as a companion.

3. as a life partner in the "til death do us part scenario".

If the answer is NO on all counts, then do yourself and him a favor and move on...

Hope this helps..  

Answer 9

It's up to you really, but it sounds like you were never really sexually interested in him to begin with.  That is why you check out other guys and wouldn't mind a woman picking him up, you don't really want him anyway.  I think you should do both yourselves a favor and get a divorce.  Your marriage is dead.  I think it will really hurt your husband though.  I feel bad for him.

Answer 10

you two should read the book 'the five love languages' it's awesome. also in my ten years of marriage i have learned that being in love does not always come naturally. it is something that you chose to do and something that you have to (sometimes) make a conscious effort to do. i have went through patches just like the one you are explaining. so it's probably normal. seeing your counselor by your self is probable a good idea. but i strongly suggest you stay married. i have seen my family members go through divorce after divorce. every time it seems to end in the situation you described. sometimes it's hard to love your spouse. and allot of times it's even harder to be happy trying to. but it's be wiling to bet that if you got a divorce and got remarried you would eventually feel the same way. so i think you should continue with therapy, read the book i suggested and stick it out. i promise it will be worth it.  

Answer 11

My thoughts are this

You have to go to the councelor alone and sift throuh these feelings your having. You also have to start interacting with your husband ASAP. GET OUT of your COMFORT ZONE with him RIGHT NOW.

DATE HIM, GO OUT FOR DINNERS, To the Theatre.  MIX it up. Do what you can to revamp this relationship and turn it into something new. exhaust every possibilities before you give up on this. continue with the councelling.

Answer 12

If your not happy then there's no point in staying as you will resent him more.

You have made it sound as if he is trying and doesn't want to loose you.

Why don't you try and fetch you closer by having a few s*x therapy sessions, obviously this is a key factor.

I would try everything possible to save my marriage and when there is nothing left to try at least you know you tried to save it.

Answer 13

I can understand your confusion. It's a good thing that you have tried counseling. There are times when either the husband or the wife feels this way. I'm wondering if it is due to the stresses and routine of everyday life? But you say you don't feel love or attraction to your husband. Jane, would it be alright with you if you contacted me through email? I tried to contact you, but you don't allow email...so it's just a thought...I'd like to share a little if it's alright with you. If not, don't worry about it, I understand. Take care now.

Answer 14

I think you should stick it out, this happens all the time.  You made vows.  Not to say I haven't felt the way you feel like before.

Answer 15

I think that you both should have been spending more time together.

That would help more. It seems to me that he really tries his best to make you happy. And you sound as if you would rather a younger and attractive man. This is true, things change over the years.

My parents, for example, are still together, they have been through some rough times together but they always seem to work it out.

I think you and your husband should do the same-work it out.

It's okay. Ask your husband what he thinks.

Good luck!

Please don't allow your marriage to fall apart.

Answer 16

It sounds like you guys got married, only because you thought it was the "right thing to do" after such a long period of time, but it sounds you were only friends who were very comfortable with each other. Don't worry about hurting your husband right now sometimes you have to be selfish in order to be happy. Good luck!  

Answer 17

show him what you jsut typed after seeing a counselor. idk what to think... sorry i couldnt be of more help, but divorce is a  big issue, so you should prob look other places beside yahooanswers... good luck babe.

Answer 18

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well get some advice from people who know u better and who  know ur husband better!!

That will b easier... cuz I don't know how it really is in ur shoes... but all I can say is follow ur heart! Take care and God bless

Answer 19

Does your husband feel unhappy as well? I don't think it's your fault at all if you no longer love your husband, and it's probably best to consult the counselor a bit more about your situation, emotions, and thoughts, and see where it goes from there. Have you talked to your husband about this?

It seems you have put a lot of thought into this, and it's not as if you aren't putting in any effort of your own. So, I wish you good luck in your decision!

Answer 20

sounds as if u just don't want to be with him anymore, especially if your looking at other men.he's just not your cup of tea, and u seem to have made up your mind.but it may be no different if even as good with the next person u meet, because usually the problems are within and have nothing to do with anything on the outside.

Answer 21

i think that you should do what you feel is right.

its not because your greedy or because you hate being in a commited relationship. you just dont feel the same way about a man you once did. things happen, things change.

if you have kids though, you might want to make it a little easier, not so sudden.

does your husband know your having second thoughts? that might soften the blow and little more then him coming home one night to find you gone and divorce papers on the counter.

its really up to you. everyone deserves love, and your husband might be more greatful to you then finding you in bed with someone else.

its totally your choice. counseling cant go on forever.

marriage needs to be supported by both ends to make it a healthy one. do what you feel is right, and maybe in the end, you and your husband will both come out happy.

you only have one life, so live it to its fullest.

Answer 22

I think ending a marriage on only a "couple months" of being unhappy is perhaps a bit irrational.

I think you should think it over a bit more... And yes, see the consellor by yourself.

Answer 23

All relationships ebb and flow and have ups and downs.   In finding someone else you will probably find the same person in a different "suit".   If you have kids you must stay to work it out unless abuse is involved.

Answer 24

maybe you have forgotten, but you vowed "for better or for WORSE"

marriage isn't all about your personal happiness... I recommend the  book "Sacred Marriage"

Answer 25

Wow it's horrible that you would do this to someone. Why would you marry him in the first place if you didn't like him? Was it for the money, so he could support you and you don't have to do anything? Why don't you think hard about why you married him, and when you figure out why you will have your answer

Answer 26

divorce, like war, should be the last option. Try hard to fix things because when you do it make sure that the outcome can't be any worse of your current married state. good luck!

Answer 27

Wow, I understand what you mean, but i don't think you should end your marriage. Your husbands trying, and that is an improvement. To many couples end their marriage now a days. What is the point in getting married if you are just going to end it because you don't feel an attraction to your spouse. You have only been going to counseling for a month and a half, and there is no way you can patch things up in that short a time. Give your husband a chance. How would you feel if after a month of unhappiness you husband kicked you to the curb. take a lot more time. It seems like you need to give more thought to the situation.

did that help?

Answer 28

How does your husband feel about you?

Marriage is not all fireworks and everyone goes through a period like what your talking about. Trying to put some interest back into your life was good. If your finding yourself not caring about him at all, then I would say you still need to see the councilor. Would it make any difference if you were with someone else concerning your s*x dive? maybe the problem is you. (I don't mean any harm by that) Ask your Doctor about these issues. Sometime your health can be the problem or maybe something as simple as hygiene.

Answer 29

Thought number one:  You have done nothing to make yourself happy.  Happy is a behavoir not a feeling.  

Thought number two:  Do you see how many times the word I is in your statement?  Very self centered.

Thought number three:  You describe your husband as a good man.  You are very lucky.

You talk about "becoming unhappy".  You can fix this tonight.  I will tell you how at the bottom of this note. You can be happy and be happily married to your husband and it is all easy, if you want to.    

It took a long time but my husband and I eventually realized that being happy was a choice.  We wanted to be happy.  So we actually sat down and talked about it.  What we wanted out of life more than anything was just to be happy.  Just plain and simple happy.  So many married people are not happy and we were headed there as well.  Now we had to decide how to achieve it.  Everyone wants it but so many are miserable trying to find the person who makes us happy.

We talked about the things that have made us "happy" in our lives and realized that is was something that we did and not some thing that someone else did or said.  

When I do something that makes my husband smile, I AM HAPPY.  Wow!  That was my goal and I did it myself.  He didn't make me happy, something I did made me happy.  

If you want to be happy, do something that makes your husband smile.  I double dare you.  When he comes home from work, greet him at the door with a big kiss and tell him how much his hard works is appreciated and genuenly smile, then write back and tell me how that made you feel.

Answer 30

Wow 10 years that should mean alot. Why give up now ? I think you need to go over why you fell in love with him in the first place. Don't give up because if you find someone else in 10 years or so your going to feel the same way..

Answer 31

If you weren't attracted to him before, why do you think it would be any different now?  Why do you suddenly want to leave him, when it sounds like the s*x was never good and you were never attracted to him.  Why did you marry him in the first place.  Maybe, that's what you need to think about.