Am I missing something here?

Question

My 24 year old sister with two kids ages two and four had her husband die in February of this year. She is now dating his brother who is divorced also with two kids. I seem to be the only person in either family who thinks this is a bad idea. I think it is really going to s***w the kids up in the head. The new boyfriend is also spending the night at her house three to four times per week. Is it wrong to date your children's uncle or am I missing something here?

Answer 1

According to the Bible, this is an incestuous relationship. But does that really matter? In some cultures, a couple gives their children to childless sisters and brothers to raise. As long as the children receive positive messages about their late father, they should be fine.

There are family counselors and plenty of books about mixed families that can guide you and your sister through this situation. The children may always struggle with losing their father and act up at times during their grief. I wouldn't automatically assume that this relationship is a bad thing until you know what issues to watch out for with the kids (i.e. post-traumatic stress disorder, reactive attachment disorder, etc).

Answer 2

It's what they did in the biblical days.  I don't see anything wrong with dating the brother...  

Answer 3

I am also a widow, and I will tell you from EXPERIENCE...even though my late husband was terminal for a long period, and I was very ready to begin a new life, after he passed, being in a hurry to pick a new life partner is a VERY BAD idea....

BECAUSE a person does not really KNOW what they want next time around.

In this case you describe, I see clearly that she is looking for her husband again within the brother...big mistake.

And the boy-friend (brother) is looking for help with his kids, and she's pretty easy right now.  He's taking advantage of her quite a bit.  

Some men in the family should tell him to back off...it's just unfair to hit on her like this while she's still grieving.

She is stuck in her grieving process, and getting with the brother, who reminds her so much of her husband is part of her "denial" phase.  

You'll understand after you read this:

http://www.survivingsuicide.com/grief.ht...

-or-

http://lungdiseases.about.com/od/endofli...

Every person grieves in a different way...but still the same phases.  A person can get stuck in a phase for a year or more.  At first all widow/ers say they have in common a FOG that is hard to see through, and diminishes thinking capacity.  This is a time they can very much be taken advantage of...until that FOG lifts after some weeks.

You should talk with your sister, and remind her that in life, one is responsible for the decisions they make for themselves, and for thier CHILDREN.  

Children can accept any situatiaon, as long as it is explained to them in all honesty.  So her liason with the brother-in-law can come and go, and they'll accept it, without mental damage...she should just be honest with them.  She is using him right now for his emotional support.

But she does not realize that she is only delaying what she must do, and that is become emotionally independent for herself and for her children as well.  She SHOULD NOT depend on another man or woman for her emotional support ever again.  She sees well now, how devastating that can be.

There is a weekend retreat called Beginnign Experience, that is amazingly helpful for the berieved.  It is not "religious" although it is sponsored through local Episcopal, and some Catholic and Lutheran churches.

But, ALL are welcome.  It did it, and came away

with so much amazing help, that my tears stopped after that weekend.  The amazing things I gained over that weekend, I've been able to share with berieved friends many times since, and even helped my new husband (also a widower).

http://www.beginningexperience.org/locat...

Get her to have a look at this link, and follow to your local ministry...   I promise you it is the most helpful thing that is non-religious I've ever done in my life.

YOU can watch the children over the weekend while she is gone.

Stand beside her sis.  She's going to make some mistakes, but she'll survive this period of her life.

Help her realize that when her husband passed away, that was not the end of  her dreams...

It was the end of a Chapter of her life, and the kids.

And now, it is ALL UP TO HER to make the next Chapter of their lives, something he will enjoy watching from Above,

and something she should be careful to make good.

Also, it is good for family to know that certain dates, and certain events will "trigger" a hurtful emotional response, when she things about her late husband.  In these times, comfort her, and take the kids for a day or two, if she need

-or- she may need them with her more.

But, it is also very important for the children to see her manage this well.

Her turning to another man so soon, is not good emotional management.  It is weakness.  But don't judge her...

instead, gently guide her, and love her though this.

I promise you, it really hurts.  Far more than anything, (even when you know its coming).

Love her and comfort her in her decisions right or wrong.

^j^

Answer 4

As long as they are both adults, not blood related and not committed to another marriage there is nothing wrong with it.