Am I out of order to think this?

Question

I moved to Darwin to live with my friend for a few months whilst travelling round Aus. "It'll be great, us single girls out on the town, two of us together blah blah blah". First time we went out, I saw a guy I liked, she bagged him. We got a flat together but as soon as this guy got back from a holiday, she spent all her time with him at his place. She has spent 3 nights at our place in the last 2 months. Even when we have specified 'girly' nights, like tonight, she invites him along, so it's the three of us. I've been really homesick the last few weeks as I'm so broke and haven't been able to go out, so have been really isolated at home alone as I have no transport and we live miles from town. I've told her I'm lonely but she doesn't seem to care. Her ex-boyf broke into the flat one night and scared the daylights out of me, she didn't fix the locks or the door he'd ripped off for 6 weeks, even though she knew I was scared being there alone and didn't have the cash to do it myself. She also takes things from the flat that are mine without asking, or joint items like can openers, which is really frustrating. Any time she does come home, she just leaves a load of mess which I'm then left to clear up. I have spoken to her several times about this, but it keeps happening.

I'm due to go home for 2 weeks for a wedding next weekend. Something I've been scrimping & saving for, and I'm still going to get there with no money.

Yesterday I arranged for a mutual friend of ours to take my room for the fortnight I'm away, and pay my rent, which is a huge help.

My flatmate (who's from England too and we've been friends for years), said she didn't want that as she'd been planning to stay here with her boyfriend while I'm away and wanted the place to themselves.

When I said I really needed the cash and that I didn't have much of a choice, and that she hasn't even lived here for the last two months so I didn't think it would matter, she told me I was 'inconsiderate'.

I found that took the biscuit as she has been completely inconsiderate and selfish for the last two months.

I'm really contemplating just going home and staying there, I've been really homesick and can't bear the thought of coming back here to live in an empty flat in the middle of nowhere again.

I'm so angry that she should expect me to give up $400 - which is a lot of money for me right now, so that she can have a love-in at a flat she hasn't been at for months.

I have re-decorated the whole flat, bought all kitchen utensils, got beds, table, chairs etc. And yet it's still me that's expected to be at a loss for her every whim and fancy.

Am I being out of order? I think I have a valid point but would be interested what you think. I feel really let down by someone who was supposed to be a friend and don't think I want to come back here again :-(

And I'm so angry at her I just want to tell her to go f herself, she's let me down countless times in the last few months.

Should I go home permanently? Should I tell her she's ruined our friendship over the last couple of months? Should I still have our friend in to pay my rent while I'm away?

Answer 1

You crazy english people. So worried about being 'proper' that you can't even realize and asses the situation on your own. To put it simply, your not out of order thinking the way you are, and if I were in your situation I would definetly move out. It's obvious that the relationship is not stable to begin with, and thus owning a property together is just irresponsible of you to say the least.

Go home, stay home, your friend won't know what hit her until she's neck deep in a pile of her own filth.

Answer 2

Have a garage sale with all your stuff-take the money and go home-to stay. The boyfriend can pay your share of the rent as he is going to be staying there.

Or if your mutual friend could cope,move her in-if there is a lease with your name on, go to the agent and transfer it,or transfer it to the boyfriend.......you didn't say if home is in OZ or UK-i'd just want to buzz off-leave the furniture as compo, but that might not be your way-good luck.

Answer 3

What are you still doing there?  Time to go home for you girly!!  Under the circumstances, if it were me I would just go home and don't go back.  What's the point of being in Oz all alone.  If you don't want to leave the country leave the house and move into a backpackers in Melbourne or Sydney.  that way at least you will meet loads of people and can live somewhere where you will be able to find friends.  Your "friend" is not a friend but if she didn't have a boyfriend anymore she would suddenly want to start spending time with you.  Don't let other people use you.

Answer 4

Yes, I'd pack up and leave that lazy witch.  You can do much better finding someone else.  Good luck.

Answer 5

When you go home for the wedding, pack up all your stuff and take it with you, this person is not a friend, or at least she has strange priorities, she is a user and self-centred, go on home.

Another thing I've jsut thought, if she is still requiring rent from you for the time you are away, refuse to pay, either her new  'lodger' pays or she agrees to your friend staying & paying.

Do you have a rental agreement of any kind?  Are you tied in for any period or owed a deposit?

Don't waste your time telling her she's wrecked the friendship, that makes you look bitter.  Just say that it's not turned out hte way you were expecting, that it's not fun any more and you want to go home.  I ntime the new boyfriend will probably dump her then she'll want her friends again - don't be at her beck and call but remember that we all make mistakes, hopefully she'll learn from hers and you can be friends again.

Answer 6

In a nutshell. YES, Pack up your necessaries and GO HOME.

This gal is a user and abuser AND if she wants her guy to stay then HE can pay your share of the rent.  Not that you even want to have this discussion.  Are you on the lease?  

My suggestion is somewhat similar to the ones made above.  

* Make your decision to GO HOME.

* Sell off any stuff you can that you can't take back with you.  

* Tell your friend that was going to stay there that "Sorry, you can't stay here.  It's just not going to work out".  

* Leave whatever you can't sell or take with you behind and tell your "friend" (if she complains) that she can have it in lieu of whatever or sell it off - whatever - just leave you alone - you are done.  That's your "rent" if you feel so obligated.

* Don't even talk to her at length.  Clearly she's daft and won't "get it".

* Smile and take a deep breath and be happy to just go home and get out and NOT SUBJECT YOURSELF to this abuse any longer.

This is not end of the world.  Don't attach a value to the stuff you have provided and must leave behind.  I mean really, in the scheme of life, the money spent on that stuff is not a big deal (it just seems so now because your young).  You have learned a lot from this experience.  Now write it off as a mistake and move on...

Answer 7

Wow. Selfish!

If she doesn't want anybody there when you're away for the wedding you should make her pay your portion of the rent.

Why should you have to pay rent if you're not going to be there for two whole weeks!? Because she wants to use the whole house as a little love making nest? I don't think so. She wants to do that you can tell her that she's paying for two weeks of rent then.

Eh, I think she's taking advantage of you by not letting someone else stay at the house and pay your portion. Greedy.

Maybe talk to her one last time about what is going on??

If you're very unhappy with the situation I think you should move out maybe go back home or find another place and another roommate?

Be sure to take EVERYTHING you bought with your money with you.

Good luck though. =0(

Answer 8

Firstly, you are not out of order at all to feel this way, so do not guilt yourself with that.

This girl is no longer a friend of yours, whether either of you realise it. She sounds to have no concern for your welfare and no desire to spend time with or help you. You say you bought all the furniture and essentials for the house, which she now only wants to use at her convenience? This is not how a friend behaves.

This life you're living at the moment is obviously making you unhappy, so I say when you go home for that wedding, stay. If you really did pay for most of the furnishings, perhaps you could sell them again to gather  a little more cash and help facilitate getting back into life in the UK? Also, maybe back here you may find some real friends who will let you stay a while and help you get back on your feet.

I would say have your friend who is staying pay the rent, because otherwise this friend may be drawn into the middle of an angry confrontation which is not to do with her, and agree to apy the freind back when it becomes possible.

All in all, you need to break off this poisonous relationship and get away from her. Perhaps in afew months or even years time you'll get a call from her in Australia and maybe you'll be able to sort everything out again. But for now I think the best thing is for you to be at home with people who really care about you.

I really hope this works out for you.

Answer 9

I'm really sorry but I do agree completely with pirate p. No, you are NOT being 'out-of-order' in your thinking, Yes, I think you should tell her that she has let you down etc, Yes, I think you should go home permanently but the friend to pay the rent whilst your away is difficult. Maybe you could explain to your friend that its unlikely you will be returning to the flat but she can take over your share should she wish to. You are then giving her the opportunity to decide herself. Good luck in all that you do and just put this episode down to experience.  

Answer 10

I think you have a couple of options here:

a) be just as inconsiderate back, dont pay your rent while your back in England, take all the stuff you bought for the flat with you, even things like can openers, tell her where to shove it and never speak to here again.

b) do the above but dont stay back in England after your wedding. If you want to travel then travel but do it on your own, you'll meet loads of great people on you way round and you dont need to be stuck in a flat with no money and a b***h for a room mate.

c) As "A" Come home for the weddin and stay home and let that inconsiderate cow ruin your dreams of travelling.

Whichever option you choose dont be a doormat anymore for her and her bloke. Stand up for yourself.

Good Luck. x