Am I overreacting or do I have a right to be upset?

Question

I have an 8 year old daughter, and I'm engaged to a girl who has a 7 year old son, who has mainly been in the custody of his father. However, he's been staying with us since the past couple weeks.

Yesterday, I came home from work and as I walked past the bathroom door, I heard bath water splashing....and both my daughter's voice AND my fiancee's son's voice! I tried to open the door, but it was locked. I then burst into the living room and demanded "What the h**l are they doing in a tub nude together?"

My fiancee said "Relax, they're just kids, they aren't gonna have s*x--this is my mother. Mom, this is my fiance."

I ignored the introduction and told her this is extremely inappropriate, but she gave me a "We-have-company" look, and I had to just force a grin and talk to her mother.

I don't think boys and girls should be nude together at any age, and I'm thoroughly upset my fiancee would allow something like that! Or am I just overreacting?

Answer 1

My twins are 10 and still bathe together BUT to an extent i do understand where your coming from, Have you been together long ?

I wouldn't let another child bathe with either of my children not even their cousins but a full brother and sister i do not see a problem, you need to talk about this but not in front of the kids else they will think they have done  wrong

Answer 2

I bathed with my brother at that age. If you make it inappropriate, and overreact like you did the kids won't understand.

I don't think the door should be locked, for safety reasons, other than that they are kids, and when they feel it's inappropriate they won't do it anymore. They will soon enough get the feeling to be more modest but the worst thing you could do is make a big issue of it. It is more likely to make them uncomfortable with their bodies, and uncomfortable coming to you about personal things in the future.

My brother and I bathed together until I was about 8, he was 6ish. It wasn't a big issue. I also preferred just underwear or nothing at all until that age. Again, not an issue, and I outgrew it. My husband and I now walk around in next to nothing and will never have an issue with the kids doing the same at home, or bathing with us or together.

Answer 3

I don't think it is a big deal but if you are not comfortable with it then you do need to let it known. I would explain to him that you do not want them bathing together. Even if he disagrees about them being to old for that he should still respect your opinion and not allow it anymore.

Answer 4

you have the right to be upset their not family so their is a area to be worried but dont get too worry you can get promblems with your fiancee

Answer 5

The door should NOT be locked for many safety reasons. Yes you have right to be upset and yes you over reacted. Try Bravehearts for some info that will help teach you, your partner and the kids about safe behaviour, privacy, feelings, body parts,nudity . They specialise in these sort of situations, and also run programs at schools to teach parents/carers and chidren about related boundaries etc... At the end of the day in the tub or elsewhere most kids do experiment so it is best to be informed as to how to deal with these tricky situations.  

Answer 6

Both.

I have twin younger siblings who are 4, turning five on February 6th. They bathe and take showers together, and you know what they do? They make up imaginary games, and splash each other. I remember taking a bath with my close cousin at 9 while he was 7, and I made some sort of shower curtain wall because he was splashing me. I found him annoying, and washed up very quickly, and left.

I just started developing at 11. So it's not likely that they would be doing any thing of the sort. But your daughter could be an early bloomer...?

Your over reacting. They are 8 and 7. It's not like a 14 year old and a 19 year old bathing together.

But you do have a right to be a bit upset. First of all, these kids have not grown up together, and it might have been awkward for both of them, regardless if they were forced to bathe together, or one hoped in with another. If that was the case, your fiancee should have put an end to it. Coming from someone who's been molested for 2 years by her first cousin ( it all started out with a bath, and soon it went out of control), early nude interaction with family could lead to BIG things in th future.

Calmy explain to your fiancee that when you guys start your new life, you two need to let each other know how both of you run your house, and make rules for what your spouse can and cannot do with or to your child, and vice versa.

Such as you may be spank her ( being her father ) but you should permit her from hitting your child ( even though you are married. You could also nix the mixed bathing. Even if she allows her son to do it, doesn't mean she should ( without permission ) let  your daughter do it.  I know she may say that y'all are married, but you need to let her know that you've been raising your daughter for 8 years so far, and she knows there are certian things she can and cannot do.  

Also, find out if your son joined her bath or your daughter popped in, cause you can nip that in the bud now. They may still be naive, so drop a subtle hint that this isn't ok. If your fiancee told them to, well, maybe you need to give her a good back hand or just get rid of someone so...dumb.

If it happens again, make sure you let your daughter know that you trust her word, and to tell you if anything, and I mean ANYTHING makes her uncomfy about the fiancee or son, or if anything " erratic" like that happens again.

Being a 13 year old girl myself, even I think its inappropriate at that age to be bathing together.

Answer 7

Yeh I can see why you might be annoyed, but he's 8, I don't think many kids are ...that way inclined when they're 8 are they?

Answer 8

I agree that non-siblings at 8 and 7 shouldn't be in the same bathtub, just no reason for it.

Answer 9

well when they're babies it doesn't matter.... but at that age... I don't think so because it's almost time for them to develop and they are growing up ... they're curious and wanting to know more, and getting crushes on a boy or girl.  when I was 8 years old I learned about everything since i developed at that age....... so yes..... you have a right to be angry it was very wrong for them to be in a bath together.  

Answer 10

i dont really think its anything to worry about, if they were 13, then worry about. me and my cousins boys and girls have grown up having baths together, and my neice and nephew do it too. i wouldnt stress

Answer 11

If they were 3 and 4 then yes but they are not.  She is almost reaching puberty.  Some girls have s*x by the time they reach 9, not the majority but still.  Why was the bathroom door locked if it is all innocence.  I think you should talk to your fiancee and your daughter about this.  You don't want your daughter to think there is something wrong with her body or s*x but you need her to understand that she is too young for these things and needs to have some privacy when it comes to nudity.  Some kids will naturally become shy as soon as they start to develop but not all will.

Answer 12

You have every right to be upset.  I have an 8 yr old daughter and an 8 yr old stepson who have lived together since they were 5 and I can tell you they've never taken a bath together and never will.  It's totally inappropriate at that age.  This day and age, 8 yr olds do have an idea (some more than others) what s*x is and they're curious.  I wouldn't take any chances. What everyone who said it's ok needs to ask themselves is why was the door locked.  My 8 yr old who's never had a bashful bone in her body and never cared to be naked in front of anyone is now beginning to be embarrassed to be naked in front of anyone but me and only her stepdad if neccessary(ex: she forgot her towel while in the tub or has a bug bite or something in a wierd place and i'm not home to look at it) Then she'll bite the bullet and yell for him but that's only because she knows he'll make every effort not to look at anything he doesn't have to. Any pediatrician will tell you that it's up to a child when they should not be naked in front of or exposed to a naked parent.  That depends on the child.  When they decide they're uncomfortable with it is when it becomes inappropriate, however, them being naked in front of another child (especially one they haven't been raised with) or adult other than a parent becomes inappropriate once they've started school.

Answer 13

If they were around 2 & 3 it wouldn't be a big deal if there was someone in there actually giving them a bath! But a 7 & 8 year old with the door locked is not acceptable! I WOULD BE VERY UPSET!  

Answer 14

Yes sir, if I had of been in your shoes, I would have been upset too! And no sir 2 children of the opposite s*x SHOULD NOT TAKE A BATH TOGETHER! I too sir believe its wrong for a boy/a girl same age taking a bath together, other people may think I'm old-fashion, and I probably am, but I know(as for me and the way I believe) this wrong!Nothing may happen, but why would you allow your daughter to be set up for something that very well may in the future? I would have been up-set also, and sir, if you getting upset saves your down the road from heart-aches, then you get upset!!And stay upset!

Answer 15

you are over reacting a bit.

it isn't really all that inappropriate because they're just kids-

but it's not like they have been brother/sister for their entire lives either.

talk to your fiance about it.

Answer 16

You are overreacting in a big way.  They are just kids.

Answer 17

I'd have been upset too, but more so because the door was locked. I think at 5/6 they are too old to bathe together, siblings maybe a little older. When I was 8 we had the "drought", so when our neighbors had to stay over (same age) we all had to wear swimsuits when we showered together. I would have been too embarrassed otherwise. Talk to your daughter, and find out how she felt about it.

Since it's a big issue (would be to me too) I'd have a heart to heart with your fiance and figure out how different your parenting goals/strategies are. It could be a deal breaker, and you just smiling through it and going her way only won't help your daughter.  

Answer 18

Yes u are overreacting conpletly i understand y because u have a daughter and u are a father protective of her but she is a small child and is not goin to try and have s*x or anything you fiannce was right about that

Answer 19

You are right to get upset.   They are too 'old' to be bathing together. If they were under the age of 5 then I think it would be OK, but once they start elementary school, it is highly inappropriate.     Talk to your fiancee and tell her your thoughts and feelings about it.    

Ignoring your fiancee's mom the way you did was not exactly the way to handle it nor was yelling about the situation using the word "h**l"   Other than that,  you were totally in the right to be upset over your daughter and her son bathing together.

Answer 20

I'm with you on them being to old to take a bath together, but I do think you're overreacting with your fiancee.  It could of been handled later when it was just the two of you with you telling her (calmly) that you don't find it appropriate.  

Locking the door is what I would of been upset about.  Lots of accidents happen with people getting in and out of a bathtub and we all know how coordinated young kids can be.  But this too is something you could of discussed with her later and then with the kids.      

Answer 21

well, the earliest girls go through puberty is 8 so its a possibility that something could be going on, but unlikely

what I would be worried about isn't that they're together, its that they're alone together

usually when 2 kids are having a bath together a parent is present (and, unfortunately, taking pictures)

also

I have some bath time memories I'd rather I didn't

hope this helps

Answer 22

Of course everyone would say it was overreacting. But with time and new generation of kids you just gotta be careful. Yeah they're both young and don't have s*x on the mind but don't you thing the giggling in the bathroom was just a sigh of what next could happen lol.7 and 8 years old is just a lil bit too old to be in the tub together Sorry :-)

Answer 23

You are overreacting, they associate nudity with bath-time and bathroom time at this age. If you wanted to enforce a rule of no nudity together at this age, i think thats fine, but i dont think you should have flipped out on the kids, they obviously didnt know it would be a problem, since they both bathe NAKED. I dont think it was appropriate for you to ignore the introduction to her mother, this is very important in a relationship in my opinion. There is plenty of time to come up with rules for your children, but first impressions happen once. Boys and girls shouldnt be nude together at any age?? Oh come on, kids are kids, they arent being sexual as babies, toddlers and around 8 and under...hopefully older than that but they will learn about puberty. I would have been more upset that the door was locked while they were playing in water than that they were naked.

Audrey You are a Moron. You are obviously not mature enough to answer this, im sorry that you were molested but i was as well. Syggesting that he should backhand anyone is just dumb, and im sure not the answer he was looking for. Grow up before you try to advise those who already have. Your answer is crazy and uncalled for.