Am I overreacting to how much money my husband spends on my stepson?

Question

So far everyone I have asked says that I am not over reacting, but it is friends & family. I want to make sure I am getting an honest opinion. My husband & I have an 18 month old, and one on the way. He has an 8 year old son from a previous marriage. We get to see his son one weekend a month & during vacations. I understand my husband does not see his son everyday, but is spending $300 to $500 in a weekend on him a little much? Every time my step son visits my husband feels the need to take him somewhere fun, exciting and expensive & buy him new toys & video games. I feel he can spend good quality time with his son without spending nearly as much money.

Also, what are good age appropriate chores for an 8 year old boy? I have my step son set the table and make sure is games are picked up (half the time that does not happen) & he earns $20 in the weekend he is here. For $20, I feel he could do an additional small chore when he visits.

Answer 1

As many other people have said, it seems like your husband is trying to compensate for the lack of time spent with his son, and is trying to buy his love. One weekend a month is not a lot of time for a child to spend with his father and step-family - could he see his father more often, or is this not feasable?

Perhaps you could speak to his father about fun things your family could do together that do not cost to much. It would be nice for some father - son alone time during each visit, but also some time for the whole family to spend together.

As he is only at your house one weekend a month, I would definitely say that cleaning up after himself and setting the table is enough, or talk to his mother about the chores that he does at home, and what she feels is appropriate on the weekends. If the $20 once a month is all the pocket-money that he receives from his father, I would say he should not have to work too hard on one weekend for it - it should be a gift for the month.

Answer 2

Well first of all I am in the same situation as the 8 year old. Thats how my step mom feels. I am actually 16. You got to think you would do the same thing if you had another child from a previous marriage. So you should just think about that.....

Andrew

Answer 3

As long as he isn't going to cause problems and some things fun are very expensive and it's only once a month, so to them, it is probably a highly important occasion.

Answer 4

I am not sure of his income status... but hopefully he isn't trying to buy his sons love. That would come naturally without all the extras during every visit.

I would ask your husband how he would change his ways with his son... should his son ever have to come live with you full-time...

Should he continue this type of behavior... his son would continue to want this if he had to live there. It could put his relationship with his son in big turmoil.

As far as chores during visits.... its only expected that he clean up after himself. I expect visitors in my house to clean up after themselves while visiting... My nieces know this and follow through on it.

I wouldn't expect him at this point to do regular house hold chores though. Where he doesn't live there.

Answer 5

sounds like your husband has BIG guilty feelings for not being with his son more. Does he talk to weekly, daily?

why only once a month visit? you step son is spoiled. Dad needs to work on figuring out why he thinks buying his son's love will work. when the child gets older he will expect more and more and more. This is the time for them to bond while doing father and son activities, playing ball,ridding bikes, playing together on those games he already bought him. the family needs to spend time together-- part of the time he is visiting--and of course they should have alone time. Your husband has to think about his other children and what they will grow up seeing. Dad spends money on his oldest  but what about us!

Answer 6

he sees his son 2days a month

it is a special time because the time they share is scrace

i dont think he is overreacting

think about how much money you are spending on your baby in the course of a month... i reckon its a lot more than $500

Answer 7

If the  8yr old was with you every week end or every other week end, then Id give him chores, but just one week end a month?

Come on lady.

He lives with one parent and VISITS the other.You and your kids have HIS dad all the time.

If your husband can afford to spend money on him let him.Its the ONLY time they have together.

One thing you might want to do, is move closer to the boy so his dad can see him more often and he wont need to spend as much money on him then and he can do a little while he is there at your house.

Answer 8

seems like your hubby is trying to buy his son's affection,because who spends like that every single weekend on an 8yr old, i mean i understand if its his birthday or something but it's not and he's spending like that everytime his son visits.so i think that maybe he can be trying to buy his son's affection, and maybe is not even aware of it, or could be because he feels guilty that his son does not have him in the home with him like before when he was with his mom, so he ( your hubby) probably thinks that to at least win that affection back and not have his son hate him he'd rather spend on him, maybe it's best that you talk to your hubby and ask him why he spends like that on his son, but don't sound like you're mad because he could take it the wrong way and think that you just don't want him to spend on his son.

Answer 9

burn all the money in the kids face and say in a crazy voice"no money to spend on you freak!"

Answer 10

I don't think you're overreacting, but I'm also not sure, if it's his son, I feel like it's his choice. He probably feels guilty. And I don't know if you guys have the money to spend or not. Either way, if he's putting your financials in strain with his spending, I would bring it up, but if he isn't I might just mention it, but if you have the money and he wants to do it, I wouldn't cause a potential argument over it. Either way, proceed with caution.

About the chores...uhmm...

Take out the garbage

Feed any pets

Easy stuff of that nature.

Answer 11

Boy ,, another STEP mom story.  Poor kid, he is already the victem of a divorce, now the money being spent on HIS kid verses MY kid is being counted.

Why did you marry his Dad in the first place Lady.

What if it was you and you were the step child for just one month?  Think about it , put yourself in his shoes..

or

Put one of YOUR children in his place for one month, how would that make you feel?

I know, bring the child to live with your guys, you sound like the kind of step mom that would LOVE to raise another child

Answer 12

Wow, $300-$500 is extravagant.  I can think of several things to consider, try, etc. What about:

1. discussing his childhood memories with his father, grandfather or other male figure and assist him to see that the memories are not monetary in nature.  We forget this sometimes.  

2. setting a reasonable amt. for most weekends and allowing one or two more expensive weekends for a short trip, special event, etc.  

3.  limiting the amt. to an agreeable figure and contributing some to a college account, savings for that car at 16, his braces, etc.

4.  take the work out of it for him, provide a list of lower/free activities for the two of them or the whole family.  There are books about exp. most children should have and most of them are low cost.  Things to include may be the park, throwing the baseball, building a tree house/fort, playing football, biking, hiking, fishing, skating, renting a classic family movie, camping, bonfires, etc.

Regarding the chores; he really doesn't live there.  It is very reasonable to expect him to pick up after himself.  If you feel he should participate in the household, make it fun.  He could cook dinner with you or your husband and turn on HIS music.  He could learn the grilling basics with his dad or raking the yard so he can jump in the leaves.  Things like this promote responsibility and inclusion in the family.  

I wish your and your blossoming family well!

Answer 13

I have a 9 year old boy...

I do think that 300 to 500 is a bit much EVERY time.  I would stress quality of time and motivate them to find something that didn't cost so much.  Boys love fishing, riding bikes, monster truck shows, building things, etc.  Encourage them to build memories, things that teach/educate him and he'll carry with him throughout life.  

It irritates the heck out of me when my ex husband buys my son video games. Boys at this age can get addicted....there are a million better things a boy at 9 can be doing with his time.

As far as chores, if he's only visiting once a month I wouldn't have him do chores.  BUT since you asked, my son feeds our dogs and cats daily, vacuums the house 2x a week, takes out garbage and anything else I ask of him- setting table, pulling weeds, etc..  I give him $5.00 a week.  We're trying to encourage him to learn to save money to purchase big ticket items.

Of course...then he goes for the weekend to his fathers house and they buy him whatever he wants.  LOL

Answer 14

1. spend money on him on holidays(well most of the time)

2.dont give him money just give him they toy he wants at the store (if its worth his work)

Answer 15

If it's cutting into your living expenses,you and your husband need to figure out what money goes on bills etc... and how much you have left for play.He and his son can surely find something else to do besides spending money.Now that he is used to his dad spending so much on him each time he comes to visit,it would be hard on him if his dad just stopped spending all together.Maybe he can cut back on what he buys him gradually and tell his son that he wants to go to the park and play some base ball once in a while,he can make small changes each time he comes to visit.As for giving him chores when he comes to visit, I don't think that is fair to him, since he only gets to see his dad one weekend a month, he is gana want to spend as much time with him as he can.I think the only thing he should have to do is pick up after himself.

Answer 16

Just tell him that really he can not buy his sons LOVE and ALL his son want from him is his love and attention. I would try and cut is down to maybe $20 a weekend and go swimming or the beach depending on where you live.

Answer 17

I agree with you.  It's rediculous.  He is 8 and doesn't understand that something is expensive and therefore valuable.  He would be just as happy getting something that is 5 dollars.  You're husband is just doing that because he feels its how to close the gap.  Not so.  An xbox, ipod, and digital camera are all absolutely rediculous things to buy a kid that small, you two should have known better, no offense.  You and your husband need to sit down and agree that even though he has his son, the small baby and the other one on the way deserve to be taken care of monetarily, and him spending that much money has to stop.  Reassure him that he is never going to buy his sons love, he loves him already.  Also remind him that him spending all of this money and spoiling him is only encouraging his son to believe that he deserves all these things, I pity your husband when his son is a teenager.  Good luck.

Answer 18

cleaning up after hinself and making his own bed would be reasonable and doable

Answer 19

Your husband may just be compensating for the lack of time he's spends with his son...it can be hard on a parent when they don't get to see their child on a daily basis...sit down and talk to him about it...maybe you could come to a comprimise on how much money should be spent on him...especially if it's a shared income in your household...Good chores for your stepson would be yard work...( raking, picking weeds out of the garden..etc...) taking out the garbage..clearing the table after dinner...drying dishes...cleaning his room...helping out with the baby...Hope this helps..:)

Answer 20

yes, it is a bit too much.

but you really don't have a say in this.  

This is how your husband chooses to handle the fact that he doesn't get to see his son as often as he likes, and to compensate for feeling a bit guilty that he has a child that he DOES get to see every day.

If you say anything, it will be perceived as if you are asking him to short-change your step-son.

Your only hope is to NOT complain but what you don't like, but make suggestions as to what you think would be more appropriate.  If you complain, it will make your husband defensive.  Keep it light and supportive.  And if he doesn't take your advice, let it go.

And sit down and have a family budget.  Have "joint" money for household expenses - which include a reasonable amount of money alloted for step-son visits; and "fun" money for the extras that you don't have to justify to your spouse.  "Your" money for the extras you want, and "his" money for the extras he wants.  If he wants to go above and beyond the family budget when his son is with him, it comes out of "his" money.

Unfortunately, when you marry a man with a child, this is what you sign up for.  I don't mean that to be mean or judgemental, but just what it is.

Answer 21

u'r not overreacting but i have to say that ur hubby might just feel sorry for the kid....

that happened to my family too and i was the kid...

i don't live with any of my parent.... i live with my grandma.... so everytime i visit them or they visit me they just buy some expensive things or give me a bunch of money.... (which i spend them in 2 days...><)

but u have to think about what the kid feels.... my family gave me some really special views of the world.... like marrige is not trustable... it's just a papper sign with ur name and ur other half.... and i'm not gonna marry anyone... might get a relationship but not marrying anyone....

Answer 22

If your husband only gets to see the son 1 weekend a month, then no, 500 is not too much.

You want to have this 8 year old kid work?? Maybe he can help with raking the lawn or whatever.

Answer 23

If he isn't interfering with the bills and other needs by spending on his son, I wouldn't push it.  You don't want to make either of them resent you for it.  Your step-son should be picking up after himself, and if he doesn't listen to you, talk with your husband.  He isn't doing his son any favors by letting him get away with it.