Am I still in love or just scared?

Question

Hi,

I'm really having a hard time right now and needed some advice from someone that doesn't know me personally. I am engaged. I've been engaged to my fiance' Tim since November of 2005. Tim & I have been together for 4 years. We got together when I was just 19. He is the only boyfriend I've ever had, and the only man I've ever been in love with. Tim did a year in Iraq during our time together. He is no longer in the military. When he came back in July 2006, he was different. Ever since then I feel we've been growing apart. Things just are not the same as they once were. He is just not as happy as he used to be. I understand why he is unhappy, but it affects our relationship. I am generally a happy person and try to find joy in the little things. Tim is not like that anymore. I find myself thinking about what it would be like to be with someone else. He tells me that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But then in the next breath he'll tell me I deserve better, and to go find someone better. I don't know what to do. I still love him, but I'm just not sure if I'm IN love with him anymore. I'm still attracted to him. But I'm not sure if I'm clinging onto my idea of the kind of future I wanted us to have, or if I'm just scared I'll never find someone to make me happy again. But on the other hand I don't want to leave someone that I do still love if this is just a rough patch. I don't think we are ready for marriage soon though as we had planned. We recently attended my friend's wedding, so I'm not sure if that scared me too. Sorry if I sound so confusing. I just need some advice. Do you think I'm still in love with him or is the way he's acting turning me away from him?

Answer 1

Don't marry him being unsure. He is changed and could be suffering depression and feeling unsure of everything now. Take time to get to know this new man and see how it goes slowly. I agree you both may need counseling especially him. Put off the wedding and take things slowly. I wouldn't break up now but try to work though these hard times.

Answer 2

Listen to yourself, you need to think of yourself and how it is affecting you if it is making you unhappy, get out of it.  

Answer 3

I can't give you an answer.. But I can give you an experience.

My now ex Fiance left for the middle east the day 9/11 happened. We had been together for 2 years and had been engaged for a month before that tragic day. He was gone for over a year. When he returned, he had HORRIBLE PTSD, and was a totally different man.

We went to therapy together and separate, but as a couple, after a year of struggle just couldn't do it. He is still my best friend and I still care about him very much, but due to his mental state we just couldn't continue.

I HIGHLY suggest you both seek counseling together and him separately. He went through a lot over there, and it is hard for everyone.

An old saying "Such Is The Life Of A Military Wife".

Take a weekend away and clear your head.

Thank him for serving my country for me.  

Answer 4

Try counseling.  If Tim won't go with you, go alone.

If unable to talk this out with Tim and get this resolved?  Then yes, it would probably be best to end the relationship.