Am I stupid or what?...serious replies only please!?

Question

I just found out about my husband's affair with someone in our congregation. Words cannot describe the pain...

long story short, we've been married 18 years 2 beautiful kids. he said he loves me,.....it's over with her...he PROMISED not to call or talk to her again.

We're about to get professional help with this and i'm taking it day by day to get rid of the pain of finding out about this.

about 1 hour ago.....saw his cell phone, he text the chic he had an affair with!!!! it said 'hang in there' (story behind that, her husband is DONE with her and her 3 kids that are not his kids (not NOT my husbands either they are from her 1st marriage) so he is divorcing her and moving on.

confronted my husband he said he 'felt bad cause he played a part in 'wrecking' her marriage and that is was stupid of him to text her and hurt me all over again......and of course promises it wont happen again.

I love him deeply and i want this to work.........but am I really kidding myself? NO, it's not about the money (I can take care of me and my kids by myself....I'm a professional woman)......it's really about me loving him........but am I making a fool of myself for trying to make this work? he says he does not love her or want to be with her, he just feels bad for what he's done..........

I'm like f%#( her!!! it's about ME....and YOUR kids.......if you really want me you would NOT have text her....hasnt even been a MONTH.

please give me some good advise..........serious people only please!!!

Answer 1

Wow.  The first thing that comes to my mind would be to ask him for a separation or for him to move out for a while.  I think you both need to clear out your heads and your husband needs that time to really know what he wants.  Children can taste, feel, and see the tension between their parents.  Don't have them walk on eggshells.  Your husband betrayed you horribly.  Of course you love him.  We can't just turn love on and off like a light switch.  But it's the continual living together with this burden between you.  I would separate and then try counseling.   It's hard to patch that up unless you can forget about it completely.

Answer 2

Well his promises are worth nothing cause he promised not to call her again and he did.

This man cant be trusted and you are better off without him in your life.

If he really and truly loved you he would have never cheated on you in the first place.

Divorce him and move on with your life and hopefully someday you will find a man who loves and respects you enough to stay faithful

Answer 3

Go easy on yourself, you are not stupid. You have invested 18 years of your life in this relationship. You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt and down right angry. My observations of these breakdowns are rarely positive ones. He is obviously still emotionally connected to this woman or else he wouldn't offer her support despite his involvement in the ending of her marriage. If he cant commit 100% emotionally and physically to you it may be time for a break. It must be hard for both of you to resolve this stuff while living together in the carnage. You need to figure out which is gonna hurt more - letting him go or staying and living with the truth of what he has done knowing it may happen again. You are both also responsible for the emotions of your kids so they also need to be considered.  Tough call - I wish you the best of luck.  

Answer 4

I'm sorry you're going through this, sounds awful.

He doesn't seem to understand that how the other woman feels is totally irrelevant!  All that matters to you are your husband and your family, and rightly so.  His loyalty should be towards you, not guilt towards the other woman (and she helped destroy her own marriage too).

What happens now all depends on you.  Can you put this behind you and move on with him?  Can the trust be rebuilt?

And also - how did you find out about the affair?  And why did it end?

My own opinion is that you may love him, but I think if he loved you just as much, he wouldn't have cheated on you.  I would walk away, but that's just me.  Only you know what's right for you and your family.  Good luck!

Answer 5

Above all......Protect your children!

Answer 6

Firstly let me express my sorrow that you have to go through something this painful. Life can throw really devastating curve balls at us sometimes, and every once in a while, they hit pretty hard.

But I want you to know that there's hope, and that you should keep your head and stay level. Try and work your marriage out. What your husband did is horrible, unjust, and selfish. But the two of you are married, and you pledged to one another that you would love, honor, and care for each other until you both died. Honor that. Even if he didn't, be the one on top and honor it.

For the sake of your beautiful children, I would suggest trying to make it work out, and see a counselor. What divorce does to children is cruel, and if it can be prevented please at all costs, keep it together! This is a rough patch and I know its hard to bear, but I can tell you love your husband, and I'm sure he cares deeply for you. You owe it to each other to try and make the marriage work. Talk to each other. Why did he cheat on you? There's obviously a deep-rooted problem that didn't get taken care of earlier on, and it has surfaced in a very troubling way. Find out what it is, and work hard to resolve it.

Many things warrant divorces, but I think those things are more related to abusive behavior. You husband simply made a bad choice, and it is possible for the two of you to not only overcome this trial, but to come out of it happy and still in love with one another.

Good luck, and don't give up! It'll get better, I promise.

Answer 7

Okay, so we know she's a s**t...and we know your husband is a weak man. You are all in the same church? Hold a meeting with your minister. Let him counsel the three of you, if not, YOU and your husband should arrange to speak to him/her asap.

Answer 8

I really feel for you, and If you choose to stay you will have to be stronger than you have ever had to be. You will have to learn to trust  your husband all over again. Why in the world would he text her again unless he has feelings for her. Oh gosh, I wouldnt be able to do it, my mind would drive me crazy, I would be picturing things.....NO WAY!!  After 18 years of marriage.....It would be very hard to let that go, but didnt he let 18 years go when he cheated?  

Answer 9

Your husband sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.  I think for the sake of your own self esteem and security you should maybe ask your husband to move out while the two of you sort this out.  Tell him that you want to be sure that the marriage between the two of you is really what he wants and that being on his own will show you just that.  If he does not stray while he is on his own then he has truly learned his lesson, if he does it's better to know now before you invest more time and love into him.  Men will say anything when caught to keep from losing their security.  No you are not stupid, you are a wife who loves her husband and honored her vows.  Your husband should have done the same.

Answer 10

i would get that counseling, and do what the thereapist says.  Keep talking tell him your feelings, if he wants you to trust him again, he will have to let you check up on him.

Answer 11

I'm not going to say you're stupid, but I will say you're kidding yourself.  Here's your husband, he's cheated on the woman he vowed to love and cherish for the rest of his life, selfsame woman has forgiven him for his cheating, and he turns around and repays her kindness by lying to her.  You do the math.  He is never going to change.  Divorce him and move on.