Am I the evil step mother or is she just an evil kid?

Question

I am a stepmother of 3 girls, ages 6, 8 and 10. There mother passed away years ago and only the 10 year old has faint memories of her. Their father and I are expecting our first child together and all three girls have been very excited for us.

The 6 year old is very loving and affectionate, as is the 10 year old, however I have major issues with middle child 8 yr old. At first I thought it was repression of her mother's death but she seems to have no concept of the woman. Then I made excuses for her having "middle child syndrome" which yes she displays signs of this classically. She competes with the other two kids, bully's the 6 yr old, always wants to be the center of attention to the point of being bad just to have someone focus on her. The other 2 are so well behaved but don't get much attention at all because we focus on trying to get the middle child to just calm down and behave herself.

She runs to her dad for everything trying to cry victim before he hears the bad she has done. She will hit or pinch or even try to drowned the little one just for the fun of it.

We have sat her down, taken away priviledges, spanked, grounded, talked to her... nothing works. She is incapable of just being a good girl.

Its to the point where I can't stand her. Her voice and seeing her face makes me cringe, I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth and I don't like being around her. She is not my biological daughter and it hurts her father to know I can barely tolerate her. Honestly I tolerate her, or try to for the sake of him alone. Otherwise, I would have walked away a long time ago.

And I hate that I feel this way about a child... but she is aware that she knows how to play games, manipulate, play victim... she gets this evil little grin on her face and she makes me sick!!

WHAT DO I DO??

Answer 1

If she has tried to drown her sister she should be in counseling she not only has a problem but her little sister will in the future if that behavior does not stop.I was bullied by my brother and my sister and now have social anxiety I can't even leave my house without a trusted loved one.I know what you mean about barely able tolerate your step daughter I have one and pretty much feel the same way although it was not her behavior but her grandparents on both sides causing  the problem it was a daily struggle not to hate this little girl.If you need someone to talk to who understands email me  just click on my avatar and you can do so from there.Good Luck Remember to get her counseling(do it for the whole family and watch her closely around the new baby she'll realize quickly that is your baby and may try to harm it )

Answer 2

I would talk with your husband, and if he agrees, try family counseling.  Your stepdaughter is probably acting out, because she feels like that is the only way to get attention.  With you expecting one of your own, that could make her feel even more threatened, because she feels like you will love her less.  And with you already saying that she is not your biological daughter, she may already sense that you will not love her the same.  I don't believe she is "incapable" of being a good girl, she just chooses not to be, because she is sure to get attention that way.  She IS a child, and needs to feel secure.  So perhaps if counseling is not an option, make a special "date" with her each week, just the 2 of you, doing something special, so she knows that she will always have a place with you.  Just make sure you are doing something special with your other 2 stepchildren, so they don't feel left out.

Answer 3

I'm sure she is a terrible pain but unless she's part human-part devil spawn i don't think there is an excuse for feeling the way you do. Some children are very, very difficult but YOU are the adult and even if this child can't remember her mother i think the fact that she doesn't have a mother to love her unconditionally is enough. You need to try, because little terrors grow up and if you are planning to stay with this family forever you can't decide to be a step mother to her when she is nice (which will eventually happen) you have to try now. For the sake of the whole family i'm sure it's hard for them too. Try councelling, or just talking as a family. If you work as a unit to help this i'm sure it will get better.

Answer 4

You need to try your best not to let her get to you and not let your feelings show, especially when you are the adult, you have to show her that you are the bigger person.  Maybe you can spend some time alone with her, like taking her to the park for just a few hours and buying her ice cream.  This way you can show her that you care about her and you want to develop a good relationship with her.  If this doesnt work I would recommend you to seek counseling.

Answer 5

Little children are pretty much all the same, especially children of that age. I used to babysit 5 children. A 2 year old, 2 5 year olds, a 10 year old, and a 6 year old. The 6 year old was definetely the worst. She' take off her clothes and take pictures of herself and her brother. I had to ask my sister to help me take care of them, because I was watching them all at the same time. Eventually, i had to quit because it got to be entirely too stressful for me.

Obviously, you can't quit being a stepmother.

What you should do is sit her down without her father or any of the other children around. Talk to her, get down on her level and talk to her just like you would talk to an older child. Tell her what you're feeling, how it hurts your heart *pat your chest where your heart is* when she's a bad girl for daddy. DON'T compare her to the other children. Talk openly with her, make deals with her. Tell her that when she's a good girl, she'll be rewarded. When she's not, she'll be punished. Make sure you get your point across that you love her just as much as the other children.

When you see her doing something bad after you have this talk with her, talk to her again. Say, "Her name, remember our talk that we had?" She'll say yes or no, and just go from there.

You're not an evil stepmother. Kids can just be incredibly difficult sometimes. You have to pay special attention to her, though, because she's obviously misbehaving for a reason. Try to find out the reasoning behind her rebellion and work from there.

I hope this helps you, need anything, contact me!

Answer 6

Have a heart to heart with him.  Have him secretly observe his little "angel's" actions.  She continues to misbehave as only one parent is following through.  He father needs to be active.  Make sure the good children gets lots of attention from both of you.

Answer 7

You may want to consider family counseling so everyone can learn new ways to cope, get to the bottom of things and find different ways of communicating with each other.

I'm not sure if this is true, but from your question, it sounds to me that this girl feels left out and probably figures negative attention is better than no attention.

Find activities for the girls to do separately.  Spend more time with each girl by themselves. They do not have to do everything together and they need to find out who they are as an individual.

Answer 8

Get to "family counseling" rite away, or this is a doomed relationship!

Being a "step-parent" is the toughest job in the world, the only one worse is being in a combat zone, in a DMZ. they can shot at you and you can't shot back!

The "whole family is at stack here", and it could get much-much worse with time!

Get some real help with this

good luck

I under stand your pain!