Am I the only one who finds the industry coined word "Birthmother" offensive?

Question

I just saw an adopted adult say that she hates the word adopter. That is a word from the verb to adopt. One who adopts is an adopter. But, birthmother (or birth mother) is a coined word or term, promoted by the industry. Their motive is to limit the mother of the child to the act of giving birth ONLY. Adoption seems to be the only arena where a group of people continue to be named and defined by others. Now it is being used to refer to pregnant women. And, I won't even discuss the shorthand method of referal, as the (or our) BM...something that is better flushed down the commode!!! Your thoughts?

Answer 1

yeah bbbbbbbbbbbooooooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

Answer 2

Having been on different "Adoption" forums. All of them better than this. I can say i have seen Birth mothers "NOT offended by the term B.Mom, birth mom, bio-mom.

Yes, the short term B.M is offensive due to the other meaning it holds.

I think its those B.Mom that feel like victims that mostly feel offended by the term. Adoptions that took place more than 20 years ago or adoptions where the Child services had to terminate rights.

There are ones who are willingly looking for a better life for their child and want them to bond well with their adoptive parents. And do not keep hankering over such terms.

Answer 3

You are not alone.  I first heard the term "birthmother" a few years ago and found it repulsive even before I realized that it is a term coined by the adoption industry.  Even more offensive is when adopters use the term "our birthmother" as if they own her (well they think they do until she has performed her "birthing" function, after that she is trash).  What's even worse, they call it part of "Respectful Adoption Language".  Respectful for whom?

Adoption agencies use the "birthmother" term to label women even BEFORE they give birth.  It is part of the indoctrination program that adoption workers use to convince women that they are doing something noble and noteworthy by giving their children away to strangers.  How else would they stay in business?

Answer 4

It's not a word (or phrase, if separated) that I personally use. I can definitely see why people are offended by it, and I choose not to use it out of respect. I also don't like "first mother," though, because it sounds so replaceable. First house, first job, first car, first wife... they all suggest it's only temporary. I don't like referring to a mother that way.

I know some people prefer no prefix at all, and I can understand that, because a mother who is not parenting is still a mother, but that's really impractical for conversation. Sometimes who you mean just has to be indicated.

I personally use "biological mother." My mother is my biological mother-- she also raised me, and is my only mother, but calling her that is still accurate. The fact of biological motherhood is difficult to dispute. I use that phrase because it seems the most factual and least likely to offend.

I also personally don't like the use of "adopter," because one who adopts becomes a parent. I know "adoptive parent" takes more typing, but I find it preferable as it recognizes the relationship, not just the single act of adopting as though it occurred in a vacuum.

Answer 5

Dear Sly,

You are not alone.

When i was new here i did not know it was offensive.  Some wonderful people here educated me, thankfully.

Now I use "mother", "other mother", and if i must "first mother".

I do not actually take offense to the term "adopter", i don't know why.

Answer 6

I find this insulting too, think about it...

say a child is raised by a mother because the dad is a deadbeat who the child has not even met. He is described as,' biological" That is creepy to me, because the biological dad does not deserve that title.

An adoptive parent deserves some honorable title...for being there as "dad" and it makes no sence to call the nonexistent "biological dad" "dad" there is no other word for the biological sperm donor besides biological or deadbeat, but none of those names fits the scope of a common situation to accurately differentiate them.  

Answer 7

Yep.  Hate it.  

Answer 8

I use either word, biological or birthmother.  Mine was a closed adoption and I don't know the woman but I define my birthmother as the mother that I had at birth.  I don't think there was a motive at all in coining the word other than to differentiate between the mother who gave me birth and the mother who adopted me.  That's even the "person first" language that you like.  I don't think it's disrespectful in any way and I don't mean for it to be a passive aggressive attempt to hurt, deminish or demean her.  Anyway, why would it bother you or anyone else what I call my birthmother, who I don't even know?

Answer 9

I'm one person who has a problem with the term "adopter".  I think that signifies an action, that I adopted a child. It certainly does not encompass everything that an adoptive parent is.  I'm of the opinion that if someone is not 110% committed to being a PARENT, to the children from adoption, they have no business adopting.  Using the term "adopter" minimizes the individual and the role that person has in being a parent to a child.  

Similarly, I dislike the term "birth-mother" and yes, the "BM' abbreviation wasn't lost on me.  I don't refer to my children's "other mother' as a birth-mother.  I think the term signifies an action, meaning that one gave birth to child.  It does not encompass everything that goes along with being a mother to a child.

I'm told that the difference is "adopter" is "honest adoption language" and I don't buy that for a second.  Just like "birth-mother" diminishes the role of the first parent, "adopter" diminishes the role of the adoptive parent.

I consider the term offensive, if that is in any way unclear. I wouldn't call someone a "birther" so please don't call me an "adopter".

Answer 10

Hmm, what if a woman dies in childbirth and the baby is raised by someone else.....would anyone call her a "birthmother?"  

The answer to that is obvious, and the same logic applies to mothers who lost their babies to adoption.  

Once a mother, always a mother.

Answer 11

Nope, I am not even part of the triad and even I find the term "birth mother" EXTREMELY offensive

Answer 12

Wen I first came to this site I used "Birth Mother" because I didn't know any better. After hearing where the term came from and how many Mother's and adoptees felt about it I stopped using it. I now use first or other mother when talking on line about my son's Mom.

Answer 13

No, it's very offensive.

Answer 14

You are not the only one.  I hate it and find it offensive too.  I don't personally use the term 'adopter' either, but I understand it as a function of language -- a noun from a verb.  The people who adopted me are my parents.  The woman who gave birth to me is my mother.  I have never had a problem IRL with people understanding me when I speak of ALL of my parents as just that -- my parents.  My mothers and my fathers.

It works in a lot of situations (i.e. a g*y couple who adopts is their child's mothers or fathers) -- why not mine?  I don't care what people say about the 'standards' of language.  (i.e. "respectful" or "positive" or "honest" adoption language.)  I have certain standards that I use online because they best represent how *I* feel about *my* situation and what *I* think shows the most love and the least 'alienation'.  What I do online and what I do IRL are two different worlds -- because as much as we may like or dislike, understand or misunderstand, become annoyed with or fond of someone online...we don't REALLY know one another.  I say what I say online because I don't have the benefit of inflection or expression to aid in transmitting my thoughts/ideas/feelings accurately.  But I choose terms online (mother, father, siblings, or sometimes natural mother or "parents that adopted me") to express what I feel best represents my situation.

But, no, you are not alone.  I don't care for the term 'birthmother'.  It limits our relationship to a time in the past and it limits her role to a single biological act.  Neither represent the truth in my life.  I've never liked the term and it has been many, many years since I found something better that suited my truth.

Answer 15

Oh silly Sly (almost typed your name oops) You know they have to keep us pesky breeders in our place. If they called us something respectable we might get all uppity and ask for rights. We can't have that

Answer 16

Being adopted.  I truly can't think of another way to distinquish between my birth mother and the mother that raised me.  Especially when talking about them both in the same conversation.

I don't think it is offensive but rather a determination of roles.  

I got to admit I really don't like the word "adopter", makes me feel like a used car.

Answer 17

When we first looked into adoption, the only term we heard for a mother who relinquished a child was a birth mother. so that's what we used. You don't know what you don't know. I had no reason to believe it was offensive: until I came online and heard from actual surrendering mothers.

Now, we don't use it.

Daughter (China): Mama (Mandarin word for mother)

Son (Domestic Foster Care): Other mommy

I think people should define themselves in any way they want and the rest of the world be damned.

Me: Mom (Plain and simple).

I do think respect goes both ways though.

Birth mother: Mean.

Adopter: Mean

I don't call ANY mother a birth mother and I EXPECT the same respect in return.

Answer 18

I have a slightly different situation, as my husband has a biological father and an adopted father.  However, he doesn't know his bio-father, and as far as he is concerned, his dad is his dad even if they share no blood ties.  Yet, how does one explain this unusual situation and correctly reference the people involved?  His mother and her first husband had a son together, my husband.  They divorced shortly after he was born, she remarried and husband #2 adopted my husband.  However, despite the fact that they got married when he was three it wasn't until he was seventeen that the adoption became legal.  Husband #2 is the only father or dad he has ever known, but is not the biological parent.  He has never been referred to as a "birth father", and I don't know if that's because a father doesn't give birth or because we prefer the term "biological father".  

As far as the surrender documents of your era, I would guess that virtually all adoptions were closed adoptions where the families had no contact after the adoption was complete.  So in that case the use of the word mother would not have the confusion it does today.

Answer 19

Adopter is not part of respectful adoption language. Birth mother was specifically added because some birth mothers complained about the (more accurate really) term biological mother. The term was chosen by birth mothers and when you adopt you are asked to use it out of respect for this preference. Agencies go to a huge amount of trouble to promote respectful language and despite the efforts of some incredibly disrespectful people on this site who insist on using inappropriate adoption language, most people in the triad DO take the time to use the language designed to ensure respect for EVERYONE involved.

Calling my birth mother 'First' or 'Natural' is actively disrespectful to me and to her, that is why we go to such lengths to educate the public about responsible and respectful adoption language.

I have a mother, she is not second or unatural. Some woman gave birth to me. To me she is my biological parent, even using the word mother would just be bizarre. If I had not made a specific agreement to use the word birth mother by my son's adoption agency I would never use the term because it completely misrepresents the persons role or total lack thereof in my life. But I think it's more responsible to defer to the agency because of their experience so we say 'made an adoption plan' and 'birthmother' because that is more deferential language.

If you choose to be disrespectful, and I note that you do and that it seems very important to you to continue, that is your choice. But do not try to a moment to pretend that YOU are not the one being disrespectful and rude.

Answer 20

I am unconcerned.  I would much rather be referred to as a birth mother than, say, an 'incubator'.  I saw an adoptee use that term a few years back, that's pretty offensive and downright nasty.

Answer 21

I'm more repulsed by their actions like turning a blind eye to legalized kidnapping. In general the industry wants to appease Paps and encourage the laundering of kids so they keep distorting words to make the Aps feel better about the dirty deed (taking children away from mothers in crisis who love their children).

Answer 22

Birthmother or biological Mother is a fine term.

Adopter however sounds like a car part to me.

Answer 23

I prefer to use the term birth mother, because my adoptive parents are my parents to me, and people calling my b-mom my mom anything else kind of doesnt feel good because they are no longer my parent and made that choice, and even if it it wasn't by choice a child shouldn't have to feel obligated to have another 'mom'

Answer 24

Sandy - "I truly can't think of another way to distinquish between my birth mother and the mother that raised me."

Why not use "biological" mother?

The "naturer" mother and the "nurturer" mother... that sounds really good to me. It's a little awkward to say, but emphasizes the importance of both instead of insulting and/or demeaning one term against the other.

Answer 25

So, let me get this straight.....it's OK for YOU to use words that offend others but then you get to tell everybody else which words THEY can use so you won't be offended??? You sure think highly of yourself!!  I find it interesting that there are groups of people who think everyone else needs to tip-toe around their feelings but feels free insult others.  It seems to me if you want others to respect what you want to be called, you will respect other’s wishes, too.  So, go ahead.  Call me an “adopter”.  I’ll just call you a "birthmother" or “birther”.  It’s ALL honest language, right?

Yes, it is me—School Nurse.  It seems that you blocked me after I answered your last question.  You blocked me, THEN addressed me directly so I couldn’t respond.  

So, in response to your last question/response TO ME:  since you are “all that” how it is that you block people who don’t agree with you.  How can you advocate for anyone if you avoid opposition?   ........interesting

ETA:

You asked, {Why is this even something that any but those who are being referred to have any input into deciding.}  

So, why'd you ask an open question?

Answer 26

Um, I think the "blacks" did have input on what they are called. And usually "black" is not the preferred term, although it has shifted over time. Certainly terms have been claimed/embraced by various segments of society, particularly "g*y" and "q***r" come to mind.

"birthmother" doesn't sound great to me, but a lot of the other terms don't strike the right cord with me either. I don't use birthmother because I realize many don't like it. I use "natural" mother or "1st" mother most of the time, but don't love those either. I wonder if "bio" mother also might be construed as someone who gave birth and nothing more. When it is clear who I am talking about I just call her my daughter's mother.

  

Answer 27

I hate the term too.  That is the term used by the agency we dealt with, and it has been so drilled into me that I occasionally forget myself and use it.  I don't think most people on here mean anything by it, it is just the term that they have learned to use.  I am all for unifying and coming up with a more acceptable term!  In real life when I refer to my daughter's natural mother...I use her name...makes life so much easier and I think she prefers it that way too!

Answer 28

I am both adopted and an adoptive parent. When we adopted our 2 children, their "birth" moms did not find anything offensive about that term, as a matter of fact after almost 20 the "birth mom" of our son , uses that term herself, when asked.  If the biological mother of either of our children would have been offended by this term, I would never use it.  One mother gave me birth another raised me. I don't see the problem.

Answer 29

I didn't understand the offensiveness of this term until I had read quite a bit about first parents' and adoptees' feelings about it.  I've never used the term much myself, but while working at a residential treatment facility, we used the term "bio[logical]" often.  (You'll note, I'm sure, that the shorthand is the same...ick.)  And while "biological" doesn't offend me at all, personally, I have really walked away from using it because it has taken on a new meaning for me.  That term also reduces natural connections to an "item" or "task".  (I.e. the only connection the "birth" mother has is that she gave birth - the only connection the "biological" family has is biology.)

The more I read and listen to adoptees and first parents, the more I appreciate terms like "adopter" and "substitute mom" (one I got chewed out incessantly for using to describe myself), and the more I back away from terms like "birthmother" and "biological family".  I think that honest adoption language should replace industry-coined terms as soon as - and as completely as - possible.  I think the more often industry-coined terms are used, and the less often honest adoption language is used, the farther we are from focusing on the rights of natural families to stay together.  (I believe it IS a human right to be able to be raised by loving parents who you are directly related to - we just "forgot" that as a society.)

ETA:  Lara, that is an excellent point about "birther" and "adopter".  Thanks for pointing that out.

Answer 30

No, your are not.  I find that sort of language very marginalizing.  But then, I'm the woman who signs her posts "adopted citizen."  I use the terms "first parents" and "adoptive parents."

ETA:

Suzy is the one who needs to educate herself.  

The term “birthmother” was coined by social workers in United Kingdom maternity homes in the 1950’s to replace the term “natural mother.” It was further promoted by social workers in the United States in the 1970’s.  

So, in 1976, the term was reluctantly chosen to be used by the newly formed organization Concerned United Birthparents (CUB.)  The founders were BSE era women whose children had been placed for adoption.  Ã¢Â€ÂœBirthmother” was the term they used to describe themselves. They considered it a compromise of sorts between “natural mother" and “biological mother,” which many adoptive parents preferred but CUB members found insultingly mechanical. The term’s emphasis on birth reclaimed without apology an important place in an adoption process that had too often rendered them invisible and irrelevant.

The term, coined by adoption-related social workers, was accepted as a compromise, not as a term that these women felt was best.  It was better in their minds than "biological" mother, but they feared the term "natural" would immediately render them dismissed.  

Things have evolved.  They no longer have to accept the compromised term "birthmother" if they don't want to do so.