Am I too controlling?

Question

My wife and I have been together for almost 3 years and we've been married for 4 months. She had two partners before me and i lost my virginity to her. Every once in a while i'll get upset about her other partners and she says its none of business because it was before me. This has made me extremely worriful of her leaving me since she got over them without any problem she could do the same with me im sure. I recently found out that she still talks to her guy friends (but only when im not around) and she is called "Hottie, s**y, etc" at work by a guy. We had been seperated for about 2 weeks about a year ago and she gave this guy a ride home the whole time so i don't know if she was flirting with him or if they had a fling (but its supposed to me none of my business cuz we were seperated at the time. Also while I was in boot camp i found out that she had gone to the movies with three guys that she says were just friends (while she was pregnant with my kid) but now i've told her she can't do these things anymore and she says i'm controlling her life and she wants to hang out with these guys cuz they're just friends. Am i too controlling?

Answer 1

Well why are you getting upset about her previous partners?

I wouldn't say you are being controlling, maybe just paranoid?? Just because she had experience in s*x before you doesn't mean she will cheat...

Then again I understand where you are coming from. Married couples usually should have the same friends and do things together...it's weird if she wants to go out with these guys on her own unless she's just worried that you will get jealous if you come. I think that if you made an agreement with her to go with her when she wants to hang out with these guy friends she shouldn't have a problem with it if they are just friends.

Thing is don't worry about the comments guys give her..obviously you are attracted to your wife so other men will be but that doesn't mean she will act on those comments. So try to make agreements and compromises before you try to "control" or tell her what to do with friends. I'm sure you wouldn't want her to tell you to stay away from your friends whether or not they are female you know?

Just don't asume things if you don't know for sure because things aren't always as they seem. And if I could give one more bit of advice it is that you shouldn't worry about what her past relationships were like because you are in one together now, it's just you two so just focus on you two and your child....if something were to happen in the future it will happen you can't control that and you shouldn't worry about it..just enjoy life as it is and let it take you for a ride! Stop trying to perdict the future...bad things and good things will come along!  I know i'm only 18 so I don't have my own experience but I have learned a lot from just observing hope this helps!! =]

Answer 2

you do sound a little jealous, but honestly i would feel weird about it.  if it were me i'd check into things until i felt better.  if you have a bad feeling or don't trust her maybe there is something to it.

btw it's VERY normal to wounder right after getting married.

Answer 3

I don't think you are being too controlling. I respected my partner's wishes for me not to hang out with my male friend, because I know I wouldn't feel comfotable with him hanging out with a girl.

Would she mind if you hung out with girls and went to the movies with a girl? Ask her. It might make her more sensitive to the situation. It's about respecting each others feelings.

This a a tricky one though - if you act too possessive and insecure, you might push her into these guys arms.

Answer 4

She seems to want her marriage and her male friends - I don't think that you're controlling - you just want an honest marriage.  

Answer 5

YOU REALLY REALLY NEED TO GROW UP. what she did BEFORE you is just that BEFORE YOU. its not her problem that she is YOUR first. you need to get a life before she leave your butt alone. you need to get some friends to hang out with or spend some more time with family to keep your mind off of what she is doing and wondering if she is going to leave you any day now. you keep acting like a CLINGY BRAT you are going to be by yourself in a minute. she doesnt have time to babysit you so grow up and accept her past and spend more time on making a present and future with her. GodBless

Answer 6

Sounds like your wife is a tramp and you would be better off without her.

Answer 7

No, what you're wanting is right and normal. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are going to have some really bad things to deal with in your marriage down the road. Your woman is not as committed as she needs to be. She should be open, honest, and take your feelings as something that is important. And you should do the same.  

Answer 8

I don't think you're being too controlling.  I'd be bothered if my husband was behaving that way.

Answer 9

Yes you are too controlling. Just because she had s*x before you does not mean that she is going to cheat on you. You cannot let your own insecurities dictate her life. Giving a man a ride home does not mean that they messed around. Give  her some credit. You are her husband and you cannot tell her what she can and cannot do. She is a grown woman and if she is doing nothing wrong but hanging out with friends you are being over the top. Getting over someone else has nothing to do with you. She did not marry them, she married you. What she did before you is none of your business, it was before you and has nothing to do with you. Lighten up on the girl before you drive her away.  

Answer 10

well you sound like your a little jealous, and insecure and i do agree with you about her not hanging with guys now that your married unless your all hanging out together its a respect thing but her two sexual partners before you she should not have to discuss that with you its in her past just let it go she obviously loves you shes married to you and if you keep acting like this it could drive her away and just because she gave a guy a ride home doesn't mean she slept with him just let it go  

Answer 11

um, no it is her thats doing the controlling and giving you reason to feel non-trusting.

If there wasnt anything to hide then she wouldnt be telling you things are none of your business or dont matter becuase "you seperated" during that time.

If she wasnt guilty of anything she wouldnt have anything to hide, period.