Am I wrong In wanting to be loved back?

Question

My wife and i have only been married a short time,little over a year.Maybe I am to much of a romantic.I always express my love to her verbally physically.Cards,and flowers for no reason,but to let her know i love her.WE seldom make love.She just does not have the desire.I wait patiently for weeks for her to give the slightest hint she is in the mood,but it never comes.She will tell me to just do it.I tell her no,I would wrather wait for her to want to.she will tell me imay have along wait.She then will say what does it matter as long as I get what i want out of it.So I pass.I know that she is going thru the change of life thing.I try to be understanding.So I excepted the loving making thing was gonna be few and far between.

But its not just that.She does not express herself to me always me giving her the hugs,the kisses.telling her how much i love her.How important she is to me.I get none of that from her.

I said ok.I can be patient about the love making,However I know for a fact she does help herself with a battery operated toy at times.That bothers me when i am right here.Im sure there are some better,but i taket pride in trying to make my partner happy.And putting her 1st in the love making dept.If I try and communicate the issues with her she gets defensive.And shuts down and want hardly even talk to me.I even told her look,its ok about the lovie making.But why cant you be the one sometime to at least show me some emotions of love.a hug,a kiss.Or a I love you.She will tell me she loves me back,but never tells me those words first.We are now not talking.she says I believe in fairey tales.She almost makes feel stupid for wanting to let her know,and show her how much i love her.Is it wrong to at least want some of the same feelings shown to me sometime

Answer 1

OK..I am going to get personal here.  I am also married.  I have problems with a low libido (s*x drive)...it sounds like your wife in having the same problems.  Speaking from personal experience, it is very difficult to "want s*x" if she is going though personal problems (depression, personal issues, stress, job problems, etc).  Try to look at things from her point of view and offer to listen if she wants to vent about her stresses and problems.  Don't judge, just listen...For me, it helps when my husband does this.  It makes me feel like he really cares about me...more than just wanting to have s*x. Your wife might need some counseling to help her through her personal problems.  It seems like she is shutting you out.  I wish my husband would write me notes and do romantic things "just because".  It sounds like your wife is having some personal problems.  You are not wrong for wanting love from your wife.  As much as it may hurt to hear the answer, ask her what she really wants--if it is not you...maybe you should move on to someone else who will REALLY be in love with you.  You sound like a great guy who is very patient and loving. I wish you luck!

Answer 2

You're speaking different love languages.  Try reading "The Five Love Languages" and find out how to speak hers.  Also, see if she will read it and learn your love language.  It just sounds like you love each other, but express it in different ways.  Once you learn each others' ways of expressing love, you may find yourselves getting closer as well as finding a more fulfilling s*x life for you.

Answer 3

You know, I was starting to identify with you until you got to the battery operated toy deal. Just consider yourself replaced by "made in China"

Answer 4

That's sad, she prefers a machine over you.  I would feel bad too if I were you.  Sounds like she's just not interested in you period, and she is just putting up with you for some reason.  How did you drift apart so much is my question.  Obviously something is wrong here, more than just not having s*x.  Your not wrong for wanting to be loved back, sounds like your dying for affection but no wonder.  I think you need to have a long talk with her about your marriage in general and leave the s*x part out for that time so she doesn't feel your berating her over and over with the same topic.  Ask her what is wrong and if there is anything you can do to help.  

Answer 5

Wanting your partner to show you she loves you, and to initiate doing so is not wrong, in fact I would say it would be wrong if you did not want that in your marriage.  My question for you is how long are you willing to stay in a relationship with a woman who makes you feel undesirable physically, and sexually?  I can tell you I was the way your wife was with my husband, and it was not fair to him. He should have left me years before we mutually decided to divorce.  Especially concerning to me is the short time you and your wife have been married and the lack of love and affection you are seeing from your wife Do you want this for the rest of your life?

Answer 6

No there's nothing wrong with it or you something is wrong with your girl. Most people want the person they love to show it back she must be emotionally cut off. One of those people who have never received real love so she doesn't know how to give it.

Answer 7

Your not wrong at all, thousands of women would just about kill for a man like you. Sweet, sensitive and especially patient and loving. Wow just because she's going through menopause doesn't mean she shouldn't show you a little affection now and then.  Maybe her family wasn't very affectionate and she just doesn't know how. Maybe you could suggest some counseling for you both as a couple. I wish you the best.  

Answer 8

She reminds me of me and the way I was with my last bf. He was the first also, in 13 years!!

But what I know my problem was............I couldn't stand his touch. He repulsed me. He didn't turn me on. I had to drink booze before I'd let him touch me.  

Him always calling me by his ex's names didn't help the matter either! Him always talking about them and what he did for them and how much he loved them, didn't help my cause either though. It was the biggest turn off I've ever had!  He always wanted to hold hands in public too. I hated it....the way he held hands made me feel like I was holding a girls hand! Grossed me out!

Go out and buy you the book Karma Sutra. Maybe you need to learn the art of "touch".  It teaches you passion also. It could make you a better lover to satisfy her and she's be more open to the new you.

Answer 9

People have different love languages, some people prefer to be touched, some prefer to be told they are loved, some like having others buy them things, and others feel loved when their partner does things around the house (chores and other acts of service).  

When two people get married they don't necessarily share the same love language.  For instance, my husband feels loved when I keep the checkbook balanced.  I feel loved when I receive verbal and physical affection from him.

When we were first married I struggled with consistently keeping the checkbook balanced and this was very hard for my husband to deal with.  When he would try to talk to me about it I would get all hurt and offended.  Also the more I tried to get physical affection from him the more he felt like I was smothering him.

After about a year of trying to change each other we both started to work more on ourselves and let certain things slide.  This made a positive difference in our marriage.  I think it is good to be honest with your partner and tell them when you want something but I think it is equally important to learn to accept your spouse for how they are.  

For you it is clear that physical and verbal affection are very important for you to feel loved.  You could try telling her that these are the things that make you feel loved.  And while you are having this  conversation you might try asking her what makes her feel loved.  It is possible that she is showing you she loves you in a way that is unfamiliar to you.  It is also possible that maybe she needs you to do something different to show her that you love her.  

If you can start to appreciate what she does to show her love for you now that maybe you aren't noticing, it will do a lot to help your relationship.  

Also, when you communicate with her, try not to use "you" messages, because it tends to make people feel attacked.  "I" messages are more effective in communication.  Example:  "I feel loved and cherished when you initiate s*x, when you say you love me and give me hugs and kisses."  But even with "I" messages you can go wrong if you say things like "I feel rejected, judged, abandoned, or betrayed."  None of those are feelings, they are beliefs and by using them you can make your partner feel like you simply will not give them the benefit of the doubt.

    

Good luck with your wife.  I don't think you are wrong to want her to love you in a way that you understand.  I do however think that giving her hugs, kisses, and the like are only effective if you are doing it purely because you love her and not because of what you expect in return.