Am I wrong about my feelings towards being in a relationship?

Question

Ok - I'm 29 and a single mom to a 9 month old.

Right now, friends/family are pushing me to go out with my friends and stuff every once in a while and leave my son with them so I can have some mommy time... And they always drop the hint that I could go out and meet "new people" (hinting towards meeting guys). I even have some friends and a family member that want to set me up with someone. But I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I'm in the process of going thru a custody/support/visitation battle with my son's deadbeat father, I work full time and when I get home in the evenings I want to spend time with my son. And on the weekends, I'm always doing something with my son because I feel like I need to make the time up to him that I'm missing while being at work. Since he's been born, I've gone out with my friends a total of maybe 3-4 times.

I just don't feel like I'm ready to be looking for a guy. Plus, I honestly don't know if I will ever meet someone who I will be able to trust to be around my son, with the way his father has been.

Am I wrong for not actively going out to find a boyfriend to be a male role model for my son? We have plenty of male figures in our lives (family/friends).

Am I wrong?

And I'm asking this in the Parenting section because I want other Parent's advice on this.

Thanks!

Answer 1

You should do what you feel right doing. I think it's great you are being such a good mommy to Johnny.  You also need to take care of yourself. If you don't feel like you want a man around right now, then don't date. You are young and have plenty of time. But, a relationship will give you someone to talk to and if you find the right person you will have someone to help you and to spend your life with (or at least your Friday nights).  

Answer 2

Listen to your own feelings, and not your family's.  They probably see you working so hard to take care of your son, and think that you deserve some alone time.  And you do - but only if that's what YOU want.  There is nothing wrong with focusing on your career and son right now if that's what you think is right.  Tell everyone thanks but no thanks, that you're just not ready to meet anyone new yet.  When the time is right for you, though, go out and have a bit of fun without feeling guilty.  You sound like a hard - working mom, and you deserve it.  

I hope you meet Prince Charming when and if you're ready.  Good luck.

Answer 3

I don't think you are wrong!  I'm kinda in the same situation.  I am a single mom who works full time, so evenings and weekends are spent with my daughter or doing things that need to be done.  I haven't been with anyone since her father, we split up almost 3 yrs. ago.  I feel the same as you.  I'm more concentrated on our day-to-day lives, my daughter is my priority.  Yeah, I'd love to be married and have more kids someday, but like you, after going thru what I've been thru as far as guys are concerned, I really don't feel like wasting more of my time on losers at this point, and I also feel the same about the whole 'trust' thing, wondering if there is even any guy out there who would fit in to everything and actually be honest in a relationship.  At our age, I feel like I'm running out of time, yet I would be scared to even attempt a relationship or dating at the moment.  Plus, I'm not a social type of person to begin with, so it makes my situation that much harder.  My mom tells me I should 'get out' more and do things and just be around other people in general, but at least she's not pushy about it.  I'm hoping that maybe in being involved in things when my daughter starts school and other activities, maybe it will open things up as far as me talking to other people and being more 'out there' socially.  But yeah, I'm happy for the most part with the way things are now.  I miss having someone there sometimes, relationship-wise, but I'm much happier not having to deal with all the drama and questions and everything that comes with it.  I guess your friends and family, like my mom, are just trying to do what they think may make you happy for yourself, but you won't enjoy it until you are perfectly ready to.

Answer 4

You're not wrong.  I am in the same boat without the pushing and help from friends.  I am busy and have new priorities and never believed in

"looking for a man"..if he's meant to be in my life, he will arrive.

Going out isn't as fun as it was for me. I just enjoy time with my child more...nothing wrong with that!

Answer 5

I see nothing wrong at all with this. As a matter of fact, I can relate to not wanting to take time away from Johnny. When you work full time you want to spend all of your free time with your baby. I think any mother would feel the same way. And I imagine you would be especially particular about who you expose Johnny to, given what an a**hole your ex is.

It's funny how family and friends think that the solution to any single girls problem is to just find a man. In my opinion, they usually cause more problems then they solve.  

Answer 6

don't be afraid. go find yourself a man, duh.

Answer 7

No, I don't think you're wrong.

What would be wrong would be getting into a relationship because of outside pressures when you don't want to be in one!

You're right to want to focus on your son.  I think you're a wonderful, wonderful mommy... and Johnny is lucky to have you.

Answer 8

You are absolutely right! Now it the time to concentrate on your son not yourself. You are a single parent doing the job of two parents and it would not be fair to your son to go off dating. Concentrate on raising your son right for now and worry later about dating.  

Answer 9

No you're not wrong! You should do what you feel is right for you! Your son is only 9 months old so this relationship with his father must be relatively recent. It's okay not to be ready yet. I think it's fine to go hang out with your friends sometimes - and you should - but do what you're comfortable with. It must be hard being a single mother and I'm sure you want to give your son a lot of attention - and that's great! Do what you're comfortable with.  

Answer 10

No your one of the few good responsible single mothers I've come across :  ) I agree with waiting until your son turns 18 to start dating seriously again, but that does not keep you from going out with your friends & having fun!

Answer 11

In my opinion I think you should follow you heart, and it sounds like your heart is telling you to spend time with your son and get things straightened out with your life (custody battle). Your family and friends are probably pushing you because they don't want you to feel you CAN'T find someone else or what not. Right now I think you are doing the right thing. Spending time with your son and making sure he is safe is wonderful and its great that as a mother you realize what is important right now and going out is the least of your worries.

You are doing a good job and are looking at things in the right way. I say continue doing what you are doing and when t hings settle down begin to get back out there. Don't think negatively towards all guys because of your past relationship. I am sure you will be able to find the right guy for you and your son.

In other words; NO i do not think you are wrong :)  Best of luck and don't let one guy allow you to cast judgments upon what you believe all other men will be like.

Answer 12

I just love you! You are such a great mom! No, you are so RIGHT! You can not be in a relationship if you do not feel ready. Far too many single mothers parade different men in and out of their lives and it is so damaging for a child. You have other things going on in your life that need your attention and need to be cleaned up...support, custody, visitation, working full time, being a single mom, etc......Starting a new relationship before you have taken care of these issues probably would not be the best thing for you to do......and you realize that. So smart!!

You are young. I know you are approching 30 and you probably get lonely at times. That is pretty normal for anyone in your situation. There is also nothing wrong with going out with friends and having some fun and I hope you do that once in awhile. A break can be nice. But your main concern is Johnny, as it should be. Love WILL come to you when you in time and probably when you least expect it. I waited 6 years to date after my divorce. I had one long term relationship (3years) in almost 11 years before I met my husband. He was sent from above!! After a time, I trusted him totally with my children and they adored him. He knew he was not their father and he treated them like you would a prized friend. He took them places, introduced them to new things, went to each and every sporting event they had (even if that meant he had to leave work early!), helped with homework, talked to them with respect and above all he treated me like a queen.......all before we married. This is what I waited for!

Good men are out there. There is no doubt you will snatch one of them up. Do not settle! You deserve the best!

Answer 13

Heck no. Nothing wrong with you. I too am a single mom and I didn't like leaving her hardly at all either. You have to follow your own comfort zones. When your son gets older and runs to the playground waving and saying 'you can go now mom'.... when that happens, somehow things change. And you just feel better about leaving them. I hardly left my children to go out for me either other than work. When you are ready, you are ready. Right now you are not ready. And if you never get to that point, than it just wasn't meant to be.

Answer 14

i think its simple- if ur not ready for a man, ur not ready. heck uve got a child to think about.

on the flip side, its healthy for u to have friends. i think u can compromise by going to a mothers group, where u all have something in common, and u can support eachother with friendship and a shoulder to lean on. but where a man is concerned, this affects ur child. ur not wrong. do what u feel is best for u and ur family. kudos to you for standing up for urself!!! its tough being a single mum

ps: i also think ur doing the best thing for urself by not being involved with a man at this point. women need time to heal from man related wounds. lets face it, anything at this point would kind of feel like a rebound, and u dont need that right now i reckon. take ur time hun :)

Answer 15

Your feelings are perfectly normal. I know that your friends and family are just concerned, but why rush it? You've got plenty of time to find someone and I completely understand you wanting to spend as much time as possible with your son.

I have friends and family that keep trying to get me to go out every once in a while also. Not to meet men (as I am married), but just to get some "me" time. Well, I have a really hard time with that. I too, want to spend every moment that I possibly can with my daughter. When I'm not at work, I'm with her. And that's the way that I want it. It's what makes me happy. What is so wrong with that?