Am I wrong for being upset? Or is this my fault?

Question

Ok...well i have never really had a good relationship with my step-mother...she was very abusive and cruel growing up until I ran away when I was 18...well we HATED each other until my son was born, I decided to just put it all to the side for my son and because i didn't want to be estranged from my dad and he die and i regret it for the rest of my life...well anyways, i had been asking them if they would helo me with my kids for a couple hours so that i could go to school at night..in the mean time my husband gets off work and picks them up...its like a 2hr visit total...so, this semester I have a class that starts at 5 and I ask my step-mom if that is ok...she says yes, no problem cause my classes are right by her house...and then my 1st week..she calls and tells me she can't watch them...that she is now going back to school...so now i had to drop the classes, lost money and on the books as well and i was upset cause why couldn't my dad watch them? its just 2hrs on tues and thurs...but then at the same time...i'm like ok, i can't expect them to help me and solve my problems...but she didn't even give me notice.....and the today my brother tells me that i should pay my sister to watch them....so that right there made it clear that they want me to pay them to watch them 2hrs...am i wrong or should i pay them? I mean, ,my son plays with my adopted brother, its not like they actually have to do anything for them....they are fed and everything before i take them...they just need adult supervision...i just feel bad....cause it seems like she always does something to hold me back....she is the main reason why i had to quit college 8yrs ago and she always treated me like garbage...I mean, the least she could do was help me out a bit :( I'm just sad that people are really that mean....

Answer 1

As hard as it may seem, but you might want to it down with her and just have an open conversation. Bring it out to the open and see where it goes from there. Make a point of being the bigger woman and don't call her names or turn the conversation to anything accusatory. Go out to a place that's neutral to both of you, so nobody has any advantages. Don't offer to pay her for watching the kids, though. If she hasn't thought about it, you certainly don't want her ot get any ideas.

If the two of you can't find an agreeable solution, then you might want to consider not living too close to another.

Good luck!

Answer 2

well i completely understand your point of view. especially since its only 4 hours of the week.... now i say do what they say to a point. reasonable payment for taking care of your children.... also dont give up! They obviously love to see you down.

Answer 3

I am sure your a very nice person.. I agree it sucks that she let you down after agreeing to watch your son.  However, it was and is your choice to quit school.  If your really dedicated to what you want nothing will hold you back.

Maybe check at the school and see if there are other young mothers that you can share or find a caregiver with, a well known neighbor, a responsible area teenager.  Make a club and barter for babysitting services ie I will watch your kids if you watch mine or something.

Keep your chin up and make things work..  You can do it!

Answer 4

The truth is, this woman is not your mother, and her actions in the past and now reflect that she could care less about you. No, you should not pay her. It would be one thing if you needed her full time or something, but for 2 hours? The bottom line is, this woman was horrible to you as a child, and frankly you need to consider that this woman may not treat your children like she should. She didn't treat you with kindness, what makes you think she would treat your children any differently? And your Father didn't stop this woman from treating you badly, nor would he protect his grand kids if he didn't even protect his own daughter. It's just an unfortunate situation, and if I were you, I would NEVER ask her for any help again. The truth is, despite your past with this horrible woman, you are an adult now with children of your own, and you need to make the kinds of choices that will bring about the best for your family. This means not exposing your family to this destructive pattern, and hire an outside sitter to come to your house a few hours a week to help you out. You need to ultimately accept that this woman is self serving and horrible, and completely remove any dependency or hope for having a functional relationship with her. You can spend time with your father with out having to engage in this woman's life.

My father has been married twice since my parents divorced, and his 2nd wife was a horrible, mean terrible person. As a child you don't have much control over things, but as an adult now, with his 3rd wife, I don't take ANY c**p from her. I told my Dad that I want a relationship with him despite the poor choices that he has made in his life, but will not tolerate being treated like c**p by his 3rd wife, and that at some point his childrens needs need to come first. What I have realized, is that he is not capable of being a good father, and perhaps your father is not either. So, just accept the situation for what it is, remove yourself and family from harms way, and make other arrangements. The lesson learned here, is that past behavior is the best indication for future behavior, and this woman has shown you what she is capable of. You need to be the grown up now and never rely on her again. She has proven that you cannot count on her, yet you keep going back and giving her other chances. The time to stop that is now. I would not have anything to do with her. No fighting, don't confront her, don't announce your intentions, just stop going over there, don't take her phone calls. If she pushes the situation, tell her she is a bully and has destructive behavior, and to stay away from you and your family. If your father chooses not to associate with you, than so be it. You don't owe him anything, and he owes you everything! Take back control of your life, and I promise, the burden of this horrible person will be lifted from your life and you will be much happier.

Answer 5

To make it clear, you are NOT wrong. I wouldn't pay my family to watch my baby if it was just here and there. That's what family is for right? I think it is some what rude of her to just not give you any notice what so ever. She is a step-mom but, doesn't mean she shouldn't do mom things. I know it is hard to want to pay them anything for such little help but, maybe they want $10 for the 2 hours. Is $20 a week that much to get mad about, I would just pay your sister (a sister rate, not babysitter) and go from there. Not much you can do really. I would be upset too but, you are losing more money stopping school then paying that $20 a week right? good luck on everything and try no to get upset by family.

Answer 6

Well, I agree with you.  I don't understand why your Dad couldn't watch your kids for a couple of hours but it also sounds like he doesn't want to and that's why they are suggesting that you pay your sister to watch them.  but all that is pasted since you've already dropped the class, which is a shame not to mention the money that you lost. I totoally understand why you are upset with them and they should also understand. I suspect your Dad's wife already had it in mind to go back to school before you asked.  In other words, I think they did you dirty.

Answer 7

God honestly I read that and I feel for you hun. I dont have contact with my mother , but I do my dad. And if your dad or brother can't help or need money then there horrible. And have probably forgotten all the times I bet you helped them out. Because that's what family's do. They are being selfish and mean, and where I in your position, I would make the choice to cut them off, you don't need to be around them or have your kids around them. They sound selfish, put yourself first and your needs. And rather then ask them for help. pay a friend or sitter.

Answer 8

h**l yeah you have a right to be upset!  Don't let anyone else tell you how to live your life.

Answer 9

I wouldn't say it's your fault that you are trusting and honest and expect the same thing from those around, especially your family members.  I would take this and remember it, not use it against her of course, but never trust them to do anything for you ever.  If you pay you will be asked to pay more, and perhaps pay for extras that you see no point in.  

I know you were hoping she'd change but I don't think she's going to.  Don't trust her, she has never given you cause for you to trust her before, has she?

Answer 10

honestly i think that they do want to be paid but i think that family should help eachother out i mean my step mom would love to hang out with my son....just to be with him for thoes 2 hrs would make her happy

Answer 11

wow...what a deal breaker...ur right in every thing you said.....

and i too just don't understand the audacity of some people in this world....I just cringe, when people do things so , well rude - and think its all just fine, with no explanation etc.  I'd hate to say s***w them..but thats what first comes to mind....lord knows you've done it with out them before and you can do it again!! So to answer the main question, HECK no your not wrong to be upset....but they made it so you can't exactly get super pissed either. So its just on you to drop itAGAIN, or to hash it out via a letter, phone call, in person etc..and explain to them how that really hurt your feelings and wallet....and see what they say, go from there if you want to stay upset, drop it, or TAKE SOME PICS AND AN ADDRESS for your son , so he knows what they look like, and where they last lived, incase he feels the need to meet them later on.  GOOD LUCK ,this is a toughy i think!!

Answer 12

Well...Im glad you are mature enough to look at both sides. Well i am a person who thinks that if you agree to something, you should do it or give a good amount of notice if i simpy couldnt. I think its strange that your dad couldnt do it, but everyfamily is different i suppose. As for the paying thing. I was a very young auntie and watched my nephew 6 nights a week with no pay or complaint, because i knew that in the end we are family and one day she will return the favor. But as i said, everyone is different, you could ask them if they would like to be paid, they will either say yes or no, its the only way to find out for sure. In the end, its only 4 hours a week so if i were part of your family i wouldnt ask for money, and if i DID really want money, it wouldnt be much to pay for. SO i dont think your wrong for being upset at all, i would be too.  

Answer 13

Dear Mother of Jorge and Juliana,

You have every right to be upset.  But there's one true thing people say - hate in your heart will consume you too.  Be careful.  You are obviously a strong person to grow up and have your own family and still be energetic and ambitious.

If you are on good terms with your sister, I would suggest paying her.  Why not?  After all, she is not your stepmother, and she is not your father either.  

Otherwise, you could try a regular babysitter, maybe someone recommended in your neighborhood.  Or maybe you could take them to day care?

One thing I would do is call your dad and tell him everything you wrote her.  Just make sure he knows your side...  And if you talk fairly regularly with your stepmom, tell her the same thing.  Then let go.  It's hard to change people, especially when they are supposed to be YOUR parents!

I really admire your courage and energy, and wish you the best of luck!

Answer 14

i would pay your sister and try to stay in college. i personally have never heard of anything so stupid as paying grandparents to watch the kids. siblings, yes. i always pay my sisters a little (and my brother) or we trade something, like the kids or i will get her a purse or something. it depends on how old your sister is.

also, i would be leary about leaving your kids with your stepmom anyway. she couldn't have changed that much, and why would she treat your kids any different? im sure you love your dad, but frankly, if he didn't stop the bull-c**p back then when she was doing it to you, he won't stop it now.

or you could make it easier on yourself and find a neighborhood teenager or stay at home mom and pay them. that would save alot of headache, mabey ask your sis to do it until you find someone?

Answer 15

Hi Jorge & Juliana's Mommy,

I feel for you! My father is also a spineless coward who was never there for me when I really needed him and is married to a woman that hates me because I'm the daughter of his other wife.

Your detached approach seems to be the best option you have at this point. That and therapy. There's nothing you can do to change your father or your stepmother. All you can do is control how much energy, time and power they have in your life. Detachment is obviously not the ideal solution, but when negative forces outside of your control persist, sometimes the only thing you can do is detach.

Sorry hun. I wish all men would be brave and honorable and protect thier kids (adult and otherwise), but some men are just not that way. Rejoice in the wonderful family that you have created with your husband! You have broken through a lot of negativity and have become a good mother, despite.

(((hugs!)))

Answer 16

not going to be a popular answer here, but it's an honest one.

Your family sucks.  Family should help family.  You need 50 bucks, its a gift, not a loan.  You need someone to watch your kid, no problem.  Pay them to do it?  RIDICULOUS!  They can choose to be a positive influence on your kid, or no influence at all.  If they are a negative, then that falls on YOUR shoulders for choosing to allow it.

  You have to remove your child from the negative influence.  Especially when it comes from family.  Other than you, they are a kids strongest measure of how to act and to treat others.

  Being a parent forces us to make very hard decisions sometimes.  And the moment you gave birth, you made the decision to put your child above all others.  If you didn't, it's time to reconsider your own moral values.  I wish you and your child nothing but the best.  Good Luck.

Answer 17

Wow, they want payment!! Do not pay your family to mind your kids for two hours, that is ridiculous. Find a trustworthy teenager in your area or a friends teen that needs some pocket money and ask them to babysit. They will be more reliable anyway by the sounds of it. If it makes you feel any better my parents never babysat my kids ever. They are now 22, 21 and 16. Some grand parents are just not into it and you cant force them so don't let it get you down.

Answer 18

i can understand your frustration.  here are my solutions, pay your sister or whoever that watch your kids so they are happy and you are happy that you don't owe them.  for your step-mom, i think you should just be polite with her so you can see your dad.  i will say bite your tongue and don't expect her to do anything for you or count on what she said she would do.  i said this because i care for you and your kids.  i am saying from my own experience and what i can tell you is you cannot control what others say or do, but you can only control what you say or do.  i would say just depend on yourself and there is no need to point them what they did wrong because all it will do is resentment and more frustration.  if your sister is more reliable than anyone else and you trust her with the kids, just pay her.  in the meantime, you can study on your own and then enroll in classes when you can.  studying on your own can make your classes easier because you will be ahead. good luck and i hope everything works out for you.

Answer 19

Don't allow other people's actions to "make" you drop out of college.  Have you sat down with your father and asked him if he could watch your son for that short amount of time?  Have you asked friends or other relatives to help you out?  Despite all the drama, there has got to be some way for you to get back in school.  Could you afford to send them to an in-home daycare for that short amount of time each week?  Could your husband take off work a couple hours early on those days and work later on other days to make up the hours?  Don't give up and use your parents as your excuse.  Get back in school!

You aren't wrong for being upset, but don't let petty people like her have so much control over your life.

Answer 20

i don't think your wrong for being upset, that really sux and your dad should be there for you, you are trying to better yourself by going to college and it sounds like they are trying to bring you down.  i would cut your step mom off and only talk to your siblings and your father.  

Answer 21

your step-mother seems to be a hurtful person, all of a sudden she wants to go back to school?1 i mean cmon its clear shes doing this out of spite, NO you shouldnt have to pay them anything theyre your family they should support your decision to continue your eduucation not inhibit you from achieving your dream... plz dont be sad some people are just not worth it theyre just ignorant nothing more nothing less...

i wish you the best of luck i hope youll find a solution

Answer 22

You sound really broken hearted. You had hoped that with all of what you'd been through, your show of good faith would mean that they would follow suit and help you out. Oh well.

But every story has (at least) two sides to it.  And often we can only see our own side clearly but understand that there are other people's stories in the mess.  And yes, you will need to find your own way and you know that.

But instead of holding on to the prickly fact that people are mean, hold on to the truth that people--especially yourself-- grow up, grow wiser, and learn from our mistakes.  Guard your heart, it is the well-spring of life.  Don't let the bozos bring you down.  Find a way through -- it's always there and don't expect others to live by your rules.

See what the school has to offer in the way of child care. Maybe there's co op where someone watches your kids while you're in class and you watch theirs when they are.  Think outside the family box.

Answer 23

You are not wrong for being upset at all.

But you are wrong for putting yourself in the position to allow her to do this to you.

My mother (if you can call her that) is a horrible person and although I do not speak with her anymore, I realised very soon after having my first child NOT to rely on her or ask her for anything ever.

I think if you want to maintain a relationship with your father and her, you need to limit what you are willing to do with them and considering your step mother was abusive and cruel to you, then I would not trust her with your own kids at any rate.

Answer 24

NO i dont htink its wrong for you to be upset h**l i would be pissed off. why should you have to pay your family to watch your kids for 2 hours. if they dont want to spend time with their grandkids then dont let them ask your school if there is a child care center in the college to watch your kids at night for two hours. if not then find some one else hire a babysitter for those two hours OR maybe find other family near you that would be more than happy to watch the kids. im sorry but you should not feel guilty about wanting to better yourself and have to drop out cuz your step mom is being rude and wanting to start school as well that is bullpucky and just mean. dont rely on immediate family any more forget them and any chance of getting help from them rely on aunts uncles cousins on your hubby's side.

Answer 25

You shouldn't have to pay family. If my sister asked me to look after her kids (if she had any) I wouldn't mind.