Am I wrong in feeling this way?

Question

We're having a memorial service for my father in law. My husband's ex-wife told my mother in law that she wants to come too.

She was there for the funeral, and I thought it was really nice of her to come and pay her respects. I feel a little awkward about her coming to the memorial service though. I'm not sure why. I guess maybe because right after there will be some sort of dinner party, and the whole family, including siblings aunts uncles, will be there.

I haven't met most of them, and she hasn't either. We will be constantly introduce, as, "so and so, my ex, and so and so, my present..." That makes me feel very uncomfortable.

How would you feel? And how does it work with memorial services? I know in funerals, anyone who wishes can come, but memorials you invite. Is that basically how it works? I'm asking in this section because we're Greek, so it's the Greek traditions I'm interested in.

Answer 1

This is the first time I ever heard of someone having to be "invited" to a memorial.  Even though you might not want her to be there, and your husband doesn't really want her to come, there is nothing you can do about it at this point.  

Finally, the memorial is all about your father-in-law....not you, or her or anyone else, so try to focus on him, his life, and paying respect to him.

Life is too short to worry about how you will be introduced and how she will be introduced.  You said  "We will be constantly introduced as, "so and so, my ex, and so and so, my present..." That makes me feel very uncomfortable."  Why the heck should you be uncomfortable?  It's the truth, isn't it??



Anyway, before you know it, it will all be over with no harm done.

p.s.  I would think that if ANYONE is uncomfortable, it would be her.  If SHE isn't, you shouldn't be either.

more p.s.  Where are you, USA?  Well, yes, generally the dinner is by invitation, however it sounds to me like your mom-in-law ok'd it.  But anyway, the bottom line is this.....you could make a scene and tell her not to come, that she is not wanted, etc., and create a lot of ill will and bad vibes on the day of your father-in-law's funeral.....or you could just be gracious and let it go.  

Be gracious, my dear...it's just one day of your life. You can handle it.

Answer 2

No, you are not wrong in feeling awkward, most people would.

You have every right to feel this way. If your husband doens't feel comfortable with her being there, I think his feelings are more important than her wish to attend.  Especially if like you said, she never had good relations with them.  She can come to the service, no need to come to the dinner.

Answer 3

I am sorry for your situation,i'm not sure if you should ask someone to tell her not to come,that should be for your husband to do,if you ask then it will make you look bad,let your husband do the asking,if she does come then i'm sure there will be enough people there and you and your husband do not have to sit with or speak to her. She may not stay very long if she comes anyway,try not to worry and concentrate on your late father in laws memory, God bless and good luck.  

Answer 4

No, you're not wrong. Most people would be uncomfortable, and especially those who say they wouldn't.

But I don't get this part when you say "I haven't met most of them, and she hasn't either", how come?! Was he keeping her (or you) away from the family? That's very strange for a Greek person/family, isn't it?

And you say you're Greek, so I suppose asking your mother, aunt or any relative/friend, or your MIL would be better than here. Isn't that how people usually find out about traditions?

edit: Hi Halley. And the reason the first wife hasn't met them? They also lived far? How does that matter if you're Greek? You must have SOME Greek ties, no?

My dear, it dosen't interest me, it's just cos you make no sense, that's all. And excuse me for having a brain AND using it, cos your story sux big time and is so full of illogical threads that I had to ask. Sorry I don't fall for c**p.

First wife doesn't know the family, you don't know the family, but you're not sure why she doesn't, and you don't cos you live in another country and you don't understand what it has to do with your question? Well dear if you don't than nobody can help you. Maybe just go there and find out it's not your father in law's memorial, or it's not a memorial at all, or you're not Greek or German or Finnish, or they aren't, or you don't have a husband, or, or ..... I give up.

Answer 5

In Greek memorial services you don't invite, anyone can come at the church. Traditionally whoever is at the church comes for dinner too. But since it is rather impolite to self-invite yourself to a dinner someone else pays, usually the family discretely tells people they are inviting to come to the dinner after the church. So basically they do invite them, but it is usually what happens when they don't want to pay for a bunch of not-so-close friends. Now, ex-daughter-in-law would be considered rather close in an event like funeral or memorial, if she didn't have a major argument with the in-laws.  Bottom line is, you should probably tell her when the memorial will be, and if she shows up ask her to come to the dinner, and be cool about it, no need to introduce her or speak to her much, if your husband doesn't want to.

Answer 6

You are right to be uncomfortable, I would be too.

If is not too late,have someone who invited her (yes, someone must have invited her) explain to her that the memorial lunch/dinner that follows is for only  a few close friends and relatives and leave it at that (even if the close friends and relatives are a few hundred people).

If she ends up coming to church and dinner just be indifferent about it. No introductions needed. Sit as far away as possible and avoid contact.

As a general rule, unless is inevitable, try to ignore her presence. If a contact is unavoidable, be polite but distant