Am I wrong to be upset ? I am the only homeschooling parent in my neighborhood. Yesterday, Valentines Day, .

Question

when the children were finished with their studies and the other kids had returned form their schools I sent my kids door to door with their Valentines. NO ONE reciprocated. These are all children that come to play at my house, come tto me for homework help, invite and are invited to birthday parties. You get the picture. I was furious, and my children were hurt. My chldren are in 2nd and 4th grade. How should I respond to this? What should I say to the parents..if anything. I really feel bad for my children.

Im afraid if I say anything I will get lectured on socialization. There just want an even planned for Valentines Day.

Answer 1

home schooling is perfectly ok. this is a safe way to teach your kids what you want and what is important. Ina schoo children do not only learn things in class. but they learn many things that are inappropriate. this is one of the things that happened to me. You should feel good about your self. Rise your self esteem!

Answer 2

You have to be careful not to accidentally set your kids up to be hurt.  It's just something you learn.  Next time take Valentines to the nursing home or family members.  Teach children it's about giving not getting.  And if you foresee hurt, then don't do it.  Purposely give to people who cannot give back like nursing home residents.

If you are near a coop, collectively set up "parties" such as Christmas, Resurrection Day, V-Day.  Set up plays, parties, gym days, skate days, park picnics, etc.  It's just something you learn to do when homeschooling.  Your kids get to do the exact same things other kids do. You just do it differently.  Our kids did floats for homecoming (boy did that make the school mad!), drama, proms, sports, graduations, track days, soccer, etc. You just do it differently. Homeschoolers make things happen for their kids.

Answer 3

Perhaps a better thing to have done would have been to phone the parents in the neighborhood in advance with your intentions to send your children out with valentines cards.

I'm sure they were unprepared for it.

I wouldn't be surprised if you get a few valentines today, a little late.

When kids are in school they often make all of their valentines in class or they throw out the extras after they have made one for each of their classmates.  

When your child showed up after school, they might have felt awkward because they didn't have any valentine cards left.

Answer 4

I thought that valentines day was for lovers?

Is that how you celebrate it in America? Everyone gets in on the act? Even little kids.

Strange.

Answer 5

I'm feelin ya with the sticky keys. We have a new keyboard and I am still not used to it!

     Don't be furious, because it won't do anything but make the kids feel worse and muddy your complexion. I know what you are talking about. It isn't neighborly of your neighbors to forget your kids. But you have to let go of these expectations. They make valentines for the kids at school because it is an event organized for them. If not, they probably forget that too. While it is personal, you cannot take it that way. I know you are saying but but but......

  All your reasons for being angry may be good reasons, but they won't help you.

Next year make a new plan. You could ask the neighbors a few days prior if it is OK if your kids bring over a Valentine. This gives them a heads-up before the event and they may set aside an extra card for your little ones.

OR

  You could find a local or semi-local homeschool party. That is what we did last year. We had fun and my daughter got a ton of valentines.

  This year we went to a movie and out for pizza instead. We have many non-homeschooled friends. Most will not think to give her a card. Those that will remember her will get them to her late because we don't see them everyday. My kid will bring cards to the kids in her clubs and classes too. We know that will surprise them and they will not be likely to reciprocate. My daughter got one valentine from the boy across the street yesterday. She was not disappointed at all. We've gotten comfortable with how this works and we don't do anything we don't enjoy doing.

   I know it is hard to accept when the kids are hurting. I still remember the first time one of my daughter's friends didn't invite her to a birthday party, even though she had just been to our house. I hurt for her, but I handled it just like I used to when she fell and scraped her knee. You tell them they are fine, it isn't a big deal. Then you kiss the boob-boo and distract them with something to do. You cannot make the world fair. You can keep your children from feeling wounded every time someone is thoughtless, selfish or even rejects them entirely. This is a raw deal, but a good teaching moment. Focus on the good, don’t linger on the bad. (Whole lives are wasted that way) You can bet your kids value their manners (and the mom who teaches them) more today than yesterday because they have been on the receiving end of bad manners. Teach them to feel sorry for those who do not take time or know to take time for special events and people. Teach them to forgive a little thing like the lack of a valentine and not to crave validation.

You’re a smart mom, make this work for you.

Answer 6

I can see how this would be hard on your kids.  The fact is, when kids make Valentines, it's usually for the kids in their class.  My children didn't make out Valentines to their neighborhood kids, just classmates.  Also, they didn't receive any Valentines from neighborhood kids as well.

It's unfortunate that this happened to you, but next time perhaps you should give the parents of your children's friends a heads up before hand.  Also, you shouldn't be teaching your kids the message that they give to get.  Teach them it's kind to do things for others and leave it at that.  If you've done this for three years and you still aren't getting Valentines in return, why set your kids up for disappointment.  Do something different next year.

Answer 7

I think it's really just more the mindset.  Public and private school kids have their party at school, in which their teacher sends home a note stating "please bring __ valentines, here is a list of names."  Most parents just plain don't think any more of it than that.

I know what you mean, though...we decided to go in with some other families on a service project for Valentine's Day instead.  We decorated cookies for local service people (fire stations, police officers, hospital staff, etc.).

I understand your feelings, and that your kids were hurt; however, I think it's also important to realize that classroom-schooled families don't often do anything past the class party for holidays like this.  Homeschoolers tend to just have a different viewpoint.  The other families in the neighborhood probably appreciated what your kids did, but it probably didn't even cross their minds to reciprocate.

Maybe you could approach it more as a service project - bringing a bit of joy to families in the neighborhood - than as a Valentine's party-type thing that others are expected to reciprocate with?  This will both enforce a service-minded aspect with your kids *and* make any reciprocation that does happen a nice surprise.

Just my thoughts though!

Answer 8

At this age, most valentines are given at school, not around the neigborhood like halloween.  I'm sure your children were not (snubbed) intentionally, it just is not a normal thing to pass out valentines around the neighborhood.  I'm sure most children would not even do it at all if they didn't have to for school.  I think your reading way to much into it.

Answer 9

That must have been very hard! I'm sorry that happened.

Unless you plan on moving, I'd say keep civil with the other parents. Introducing some bad feelings, even if its for a good reason might start bad attitudes and a strain on the relationships.

Just keep this in mind of next year, and for other holidays. Make sure to mention to them a couple of weeks before what you're planning to do. If they're at all thoughtful they will take your lead and make sure their children also participate.

Maybe next year you could connect with other homeschooling parents online and arrange mailed valentines to each other? Kids love to get real mail!

Answer 10

Do you not think it's a bit unfair to set your children up for this kind of diappointment? Was the door to door valentine thing their idea or yours? Somehow I think yours. I suspect your children were hurt because you were furious. The fact that your children have a reciprocal relationship in terms of birthday parties should inform you that there isn't a problem with the other children. But valentine is different. It's a day for lovers (and therefore grown ups) and I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable asking my children to make cards for other children. It's not like asking them to make a birthday card or write a thankyou note for a gift. My youngest made a card at school with his classmates and guess what? They were all for the mums not other children.

Also if your kids were so keen on a planned event maybe you should have Planned it! The other mothers probably got home from school and got on with whatever they normally do after school. They didn't know your children were going to come around with cards. Perhaps they didn't have time to make cards for your kids in return  - it doesn't mean anything bad.

Next time let the other mothers know what you plan to do and give them a chance to reciprocate. If it's appropriate. Personally I think valentine's day is a funny one to get all worked up about. I am certainly not encouraging my children to be thinking about boyfriends and girlfriends at this age.

Wow, just been reading your responses and you are so highly sensitive. You asked a question but you've taken the spectrum of answers given sooo personally. No one is opining your parenting skills. They're just giving you different ways of looking at the situation. Do you really think door to door valentines are a good idea? The tradition is one card/gift to a special someone. Not the whole neighbourhood my dear.

Answer 11

Just move to an other house.

Answer 12

Valentine's Day is not something that children celebrate outside of school so the other parents probably had no idea that you would send your kids around with Valentine's.  They are all probably feeling pretty bad about it.

I would let it alone.  Express to your kids that this should not keep them from giving again.  You do not give with the intention of receiving.  I would imagine that next year on Valentine's Day, the neighborhood kids will be knocking on your door with Valentine's for your kids.

Answer 13

I don't think you should say anything to the parents and I think the best explanation to give your children is that not everyone celebrates the same holidays.  Shoot straight from the hip and tell them the truth.  Back when I was in school, I never gave Valentine's to my friends - but that didn't mean I hated them.  I was just never big on handing out Valentine's to classmates - personal preference.  And I probably won't expect my children to do it either.

I think the best lesson you can teach your children from this is that you should do things for other people because it makes you feel good, not because you expect something in return.  

Have a great day!

Answer 14

I'm sorry that your children had such a bad experience.   I had kids in school and now I home school children.  The whole valentine's day thing is a huge pain for parents of public schoolers.  They get the list and have to write out the cards and it is thought to be one of the chores of school.  They were indeed thoughtless to not remember your children.  I have been homeschooling for 7 years now.   My children have received vd cards only twice from other homeschoolers.  We have given them about as many times.   It just doesn't seem to be the culture of homeschooling, but it is a ps ritual I used to dread. The children HAVE to take the cards for everybody there.    By the way, my children have never received cards from ps children.     What we did for fun one year was make valentines day cards and put them in the mail.  (and never got any back)

Answer 15

As a parent to both a HS and a PS child, here's my take.

Your children *need* to participate in V-day so they won't be left out.  The other children do not - they had their parties at school.

My HS'ed DS raided his sister's backpack yesterday to see what she brought home from her school parties (she has feeding issues and can't eat the candy anyway).  He *only* does V-day stuff with other HS'ed kids and the g-parents.  So today at co-op he will take Valentines to the kids in his class.  Last year no one else did that, I don't know if they will this year.  It doesn't matter to him, b/c it's the GIVING that counts, NOT the receiving, and that's what I want him to learn.

We also participate in a huge V-day exchange with kids who use our curriculum (we know the families from Yahoo Groups).  We've done this for four years now.  We even have kids in the UK and Australia, and of course all over the USA.  There is usually about 50 kids who participate and we also exchange Christmas cards.

For V-day the kids make up bio sheets and either email the file, or print them and include them.  Some kids make creative Valentines and others use store bought.  Some include treats and others don't.  We've made bookmarks, folded boxes (use the library's die cut machine), puzzles, and more.  It is SOOOO much fun and MUCH more rewarding that just doing something with the neighborhood PS kids.

So perhaps lesson learned for you this year - give up on the PS kids and find some HS'ers to trade with.  Maybe have your own V-day party for HS'ers at your home.

I WOULD NOT bring it up with the other parents.  They had to do enough (or they will think so) with their kids' PS class parties.

HTH!

Answer 16

The other kids had probably already handed out all their valentines at school. How were they supposed to know to save some for your kids? Did they even know your kids were going to come over with valentines? People aren't mind readers

Answer 17

It seems rude, sure, but probably not worth making a fuss over.  I would be worried that you would be written off as a loudmouth or a crackpot which would only help to further alienate your kids.  For next time, try sending your kids out with v-day (or other holiday cards) in advance of the holiday.  That will encourage those other kids and their parents to keep your kids in mind when they plan their own v-day card giving.

Answer 18

I agree with Chyl.  They probably just didn't think about it.  I bet it was hurtful for your children, but try not to take it personally.  I think people, in general, are less thoughtful and appreciative nowadays.

Maybe next year your kids could take Valentine's to hand out at a nursing home.  We're taking our to one today (a day late, I know), but I know the residents will be so appreciative.

I try to teach my kids to focus more on giving and not expect much from others. I know that is unfortunate, but that's life, I guess.

If there is a homeschooling group in your area maybe you could arrange to do a valentine's event.  There is also an annual valentine's swap on an online forum I'm a part of.  We did not participate, but maybe that type of thing would work for you next year.

I'm sorry your children's feelings were hurt.

Answer 19

I am sorry this world is so cruel and my heart goes out to your children. this is the world we live in. full of selfish self centered *** holes. as far as your children you can only be honest with them about this world. the sad part is that not only your children but all children have to deal with rejection. this is a good time to help your children to accept the things they can't change and change the things they can.

Answer 20

I wouldn't worry about it really.  Just explain to your kids that some people are just that way, so try not to take it personally.  They did something nice, and if it doesn't come back to them as they expected, then it will in some other way.  

As you can see by the myriad of lame and un-educated answers here,  hardly anyone who doesn't home school lacks the understanding  like we do who do it.  Anyone who makes such comments as these has a need to cut someone down or they won't feel fulfilled in life.  Just ignore them and eventually they'll go away.

Answer 21

I'm guessing the other families in the neighborhood aren't mind readers. Outside of loving couples and the classroom card/candy exchange, Valentines Day isn't that big of a deal.

Answer 22

Its Valentines, my dear, not Christmas!

Answer 23

These other kids probably didn't think of your children because they weren't in their 'class at school'. When most parents have their child do their valentines, it is for their classmates. Anger is a natural reaction, but I think it's more hurt than anything. You could mention it to the other parents that your children were hurt by it, but don't dwell on it. You can't force people to be considerate.

Answer 24

Mame, I respect your right to home school your kids and wish I had the time to do so myself - at least 1/2 a day, so my daughter would still get the socialization of attending school the other 1/2 the day.

Allowing your kids to go door to door w/Valentines is a beautiful idea, but I wouldn't expect the other neighborhood kids to do the same.

Don't take it personal. Many families don't feel they have the time to be as involved in ANY school activities as they would like to be - let alone have time to home school.

I see what you're saying, they invite your kids to b-day parties when their kids will receive presents, but I doubt that is the idea. Parties are expensive especially when you don't have time to do it all yourself. It's more likely the cost of invited 1 or 2 extra kids is more than the price of the present their child will receive.

Anyways... I can understand "why" your kids are bothered by it, and if that's the case... just mention it... when talking to other neighborhood parents. I'm sure they ask questions or you talk about the pro & cons of home schooling your kids. Mention some of the pros & then slide in there... "but the downside is, my kids don't get to do the Valentine's Day card exchange (etc.). I send them door to door every year, but they seem disappointed when they don't receive any in return. I as a grown up realize the other kids do this at school, but the kids take it kind of hard at times."

If you told me this story, I would make a mental note of it & "TRY" to remember to send 1 to your kids personally next year, but people are busy these day & they still forget.

Maybe you could organize a small neighborhood get together w/all the neighborhood kids could exchange Valentine's Day cards at your own house or a play-date outside in the snow. Wouldn't have to be expensive. Maybe just a cake or even just a big bag of candy, and the kids could play some games.

Just "TRY" not to take it so personal...

Answer 25

I home school also, and I really think you need to involve yourself in a home school support group. You are setting your kids up for this disappointment. I do live in a neighborhood with several other home school families, and I am involved in two homeschooling support groups and I do not  plan any kiddie activities for valentines day.  

Valentines day, like Christmas, Halloween etc... is something Corporate America  embellished to make us all buy stuff. Your neighbors already shelled out money to buy cards for their kids classmates. Why should they buy more for your kids? Just spend Valentines day learning the truth about Valentines!

http://www.ucg.org/litlibrary/valentine....

Answer 26

You can be upset, but that would teach your children that its important to always get when they give. Sadly, kids in a neighborhood that go to a private school or are home-schooled are not often considered to be involved with public school-related activities. There is a separation of a sort no matter how much you are involved.

I bet that most of the other kids had their valentine cards made out to the kids in their class and had a party at school, making it a school-related activity in their minds.  They or their parents most likely assumed that since your kids weren't in school they had no plans to participate. Maybe next year you can invite these kids in advance to stop over after school for a card exchange and a treat fro valentine day.

Answer 27

Their parents probably just didnt think to have their kids make your kids valentines since usually they just take them to school and not give around the neighborhood.  I notice that with a lot of families and such that people arent as considerate these days and just dont think about it that far.

Answer 28

dont be reactive.  when you talk to the adults, just casually mention your kids were a little sad they didn't receive valentines cards.  THAT'S IT.  Dont make accusations, dont express feeling, just casually mention.

Answer 29

i guess they view valentine's day differently.  normally, for kids their valentine's would be their parents, teachers or classmates; for lovers, well  their lovers.  they're probably not used to the way you celebrate it.  i don't think you should be upset.  maybe now that they know you see it this way, they'll be able to reciprocate next time.  no need to get furious.

Answer 30

I have been in the same situation as you. When you homeschool you tend to be an outsider like anything else when you do something that is different than the "norm". You just have to teach your children that yes giving is good, but don't expect anything in return. It is hard though. They are just kids and you do expect others to be kind hearted, but the reality is they just aren't if your children aren't in the same school or such as them.

My Daughter had planned this big Valentines Party with 2 girls from school and her 3 cousins that are homeschooled. Well it just didn't work out. I had it planned on a Saturday too. We do seem to get left out of things, but that is my fault for not joining up to a homeschooling group.

I suggest getting your kids involved into a local or nearby homeschooling group. You would be amazed at the difference in the children. They are very bright, considerate, more accepting than the children you will ever find in a Public school. These kids have already been brainwashed into thinking it is ok to do what they do and often parents that work fulltime and don't have the time to fool with them. It is very sad!!

You get to where you just have to grow a thick skin and just do things with other homeschoolers or just not expect anything in return when it comes to the Public schooled kids.

I am sorry this happened to your kids. It stinks!!

Answer 31

There just want an even planned for Valentines Day?

Momma, you are homeschooling kids who look to you to learn their native tongue--OMG!

I think you need to quit acting like a victim. You chose to homeschool your kids. Fine.

You are purposely out of the loop, so don't now be pissed that you and your kids are out of the loop.   You can't have it both ways, unless you NOTIFY others

You didn't TELL anyone you were making Valentine's CARDS for them, so how could they possibly reciprocate?

You should get lectured on Socialization, like hello, TELL people what you are doing, don't send your children on a mission that will hurt them.  YOU hurt them, you just used neighbors for the weapon..

Don't you know that giving presents is about GIVING and the pleasure of doing for others. If you get a smile or response, fine, if not, it is still blessed.Even more so.

What are you teaching your kids? Make your choices and bash others over the head when they don't go along, and feel victimized by those mean people? BOO!

Why not teach them  to make crafts, know the history of Valentine's Day, how to spell, and share with others without having to have a response, how to be gracious and stable and mature.