Am I wrong to get mad at my husband for his behavior with his female friends?

Question

now this is two part. my husband is a very social person and has a LOT of friends including a lot of females. i don't care about him having female friends. he usually calls them sweetie or hun. i'm use to this. i still had babe, baby, honey, and s**y. a couple months ago he started using all the pet names for them too. i of course got upset. he ask why. i told him i had never heard him call them that before. he said that i was wrong, that he had always called them baby, honey, and s**y, and he was not going to change. i had said nothing about changing but was mad that he automatically shot it down dispite the issue upsetting me. i don't like him using s**y for them for obvious reasons as a wife but i just wanted one pet name that was just for me. too much??? second. my husband never helps around the house. i ask, he laughs and says no. i tell, he says no and leaves the house. he wont even pick up his plate. that's not the issue. when any of his female friends call for help at there place there he is scrubbing away. he wont talk to me about his life or day or how his friends/family are. when asked he just says nothing or i don't know. again not the issue. he talks to them for hours about every little thing that has happened, how his friends/family are, what he did, who he ran in too. one of his female friends got a new job she was hoping for, he hasn't asked me about the promotion i was talking about for 2 weeks (i stopped talking about it over a week ago) a.if we share a life, i expect him to share too. b.he will help every damsel in distress but not his wife in our home. am i asking too much?? is it "my problem"?? what can i do to get him see what he is doing??? all advice welcome but please be serious. "just devorce him" is not building a marriage (4 years now). thank you for your help.

Answer 1

I'd say no,,,some of the things you mentioned are ridiculous behaviors from him, and you, and anybody else for that matter should not tolerate it.  Period !!

Answer 2

Chicky- you want to build a marriage? Guess what? You can't do it alone. Take a firm stand, tell him what's up, and tell him you think the two of you need marriage counseling or the marriage is headed for divorce. Sorry, but this guy puts calling his girl friends s**y above your feelings???? h**l NO! You should be his number one priority, and if you're not something is seriously wrong. My husband wouldn't dare call another girl ANY of those names. Thats just plain wrong!!!

Answer 3

The relationship sounds to be very troubling around on his end. You are going to have to confront him and ask him what he expects out of your relationship. If he really seem to care more about helping the other women in his life than you, the longer this continues the more problems you are going to face.

No. You are definitely not asking too much, not even close. I'm not even married yet, but I do what I can to help out whenever I can for the one I love. When I was younger I probably did something close to what he does, but was actually cheating on my girlfriend. But I got over it, grew up, and was lucky enough she stuck with me.

If sitting down and confronting him about what you are experiencing doesn't change anything at all, maybe its time for you to worry about yourself a bit and give yourself some space to figure out what you need to do. Sometimes that "you never know what you had until it is lost" quote is something that needs to be brought up. Let's just hope he gets his act together so both of you don't have to go through that.

Answer 4

Wow...well..obviously this has been bothering you for some time. I assume that you have tried talking to your hubby, but he changes the conversation. The lack of communication is not helping you both. Do you try hanging out with him, whether it's just you two or with his friends. Try getting him out of the house and have a nice dinner or take a walk somewhere. Ever tried those marriage retreats. My advice is try not to let him shut you out. I don't think it's ever too late to help ourselves in our marriage...it just takes two to tango. Good luck!

Answer 5

i don't think it's just your problem. youre his WIFE he should care about you. if he's more into the female friends, i would say he cares about them more or flirting or something and doesn't love you as much the way a marriage should. personally i would move on but that's up to you. maybe it can be worked out somehow by talking to him/counseling. good luck

Answer 6

you're not asking too much. as his wife you should be treated more special than the rest, whoever they maybe. it's you married an immature jerk or a guy who doesn't love you but himself.  

Answer 7

My  husband  behaved the same  way. then it did  get worse,cheating  and beating,s  came  next.  It take,s   2   to build  a good marriage. Best of luck  to  you  ..Hopefully   all  this  will stop  before  it get,s  to the  point of no  return.YOU are  NOT  asking too   much .HE  is not  being  respectfull to  you   .Do not  divorce  HIM.  HE  will eventually  DIVORCE  YOU.  HopeFULLY  before  children  come  into  the  picture .GD  LUCK  dear  LADY.

Answer 8

He's an ***..you need to ditch the man, his behavior is only going to escalate.

Answer 9

Hey. My dad does this to my mum with the housework thing. You are right to get mad.

You really should take a chance to have a proper talk to him about it. If he doesn't listen, have a friend of his tell him how he isn't helping you but will jump at the chance to help someone who is not as close to him. That should make him think about it more, seeing that someone who isn't around him as often is noticing this.

With the sweetie and hun thing, I reckon it's just his nature. I wouldn't worry too much about that. And if you want a special pet name, you've gotta ask him - he cannot read your mind!

Good Luck :]

Answer 10

It comes down to respect.  If he respected you and your feelings then he would see that his behavior bothers you.  You should be the most important woman in his life and making you happy should matter more than any so called friends.  If he does not see that then you should look out for yourself and find someone who does put you first.

Answer 11

All you can do is be open and honset about how you feel!  If that doesn't help then seek counseling. Then if that doesn't help then I would seperated then if that doesn't wake him up then it is bye bye for him!    After all that trying then you have that right to leave and be happy.

Answer 12

Just keep asking him nicely to help you, and let it be known that you want to be the most important thing to hime. If that doesnt work, use the guilt trip thing. Do or say things you think will make him feel bad. If that doesnt work, the resort to threatening to leave, and if watch his reaction. If he shows no emotion, sorry but i dont think hes worth it. You sound like you deserve better. When he realizes what he lost and his little 'friends' dont care anymore, he'll realize where hes got it good.

Answer 13

This man is a dreadful husband. He walks all over your feelings and doesn't care one bit if he upsets you. Its ok for a man to call girlfriends a nickname but not s**y, honey etc. Would he like it if you did the same to your male friends?? ............I know the answer to that question will be NO! You raelly need to let him know you are serious because this cannot go on and you will waste your life being miserable

Answer 14

First of all he is not respecting you as his wife or his marriage. If you just let this slide then he thinks that this is okay. And it shouldn't be acceptable. This is wrong. I understand that he has female friends but that does not mean that he can go to their homes and wash their dishes. He needs to be more focused on his marriage but then why should he when he knows that his wife wont leave him. He has it made must be nice to have friends on the side and a understanding wife.

Answer 15

I was like on the same boat that you are in right now. I read this ebook and I applied it to my marriage and it made my marriage work again. If you are interested, you can email me and I will send you the ebook thru email. It helps. Really. But you have to have an open mind and heart when you read it. And we are the same, I want to build my marriage. Divorcing our husband is not the answer. I'll be looking forward for your email.

Answer 16

I understand that you do not want to divorce him but do you think that he will get any better? He doesn't seem to have any respect for you or your feelings. He take your love, kindness and feelings for granted. But you are letting him get away with too much and that it not making the problem any better. If a child is sticking it's finger into a fire and refuses to stop, you have only two options. A. Forcefully removed the child from the fire or  b. Let the child get burned.  You husband is acting like an arrogant jerk and doesn't want to stop so it up to you whether you want to forcefully make him quit either by proposing marriage counseling or divorce or b. Let him keep doing it and he will get burned by you living him or him doing something he will regret like cheating. Good luck with whichever you choose!  

Answer 17

No comment. : D

Answer 18

This is difficult. If a person does not want to make an effort, then you cannot really force them.

I think you should ask your husband if he wants to stay married to you. Ask him if his feelings for you have changed lately.  

Answer 19

Reading your question was like looking into my past from 6 years ago... I too was married to a man who paid attention to everyone and everything but me, the woman he married, and I, like you wanted to know what I could do to fix our marriage. Sadly, my marriage failed, but it wasn't for lack of me trying. With my situation we dated for years before finally getting married, and I thought I knew what I was signing up for, he was caring, and helpful, and said all the right things... until we got married, and then it was like that switch got flipped off, and I was married to a totally different person. Because I had taken on the title of "WIFE" I was now supposed to act like Susie Homemaker, and coddle him like his mother had, by waiting on him hand and foot, and allowing him to do whatever with whomever he wanted. I was working two jobs to pay our bills and trying to finish a degree, while he went to school and delivered pizzas on weekends (if he worked at all) and when I got home at night I just wanted to spend time with the one person I loved most... but my idea of fun wasn't his, so he did what he wanted. After over a year of this I started feeling really terrible about the entire situation, thinking it was something I was doing wrong, and consulted friends and family for advice. Everyone told me that it would get better and just keep trying he'd eventually come around. I tried to get us into counseling, I tried talking to him, and being home more, I even tried make things interesting for him in bed ... and he still didn't seem to notice, and told me it was me. I wanted so badly for things to work that I couldn't see the bigger picture... that no matter what I did, it wasn't ever going to be enough, and he being who he was, and couldn't be satisfied with just being married. I'm sad to say that I ultimately learned that he was stepping out on me with his "girlfriends" and that was my wake-up call... and it changed my life. Because if he wanted to be with them more than with me, who was I to stop him? It was never going to make me happy knowing he'd rather be with them than with me, and that I was never going to change who he was, or what he wanted and he obviously didn't love me enough to respect me or our vows. So I told him I wanted a divorce. Once I found out he was cheating I had no more left to give. It takes two people putting in all they got to make a relationship any good... and I could have given 150% of myself everyday, and I still wouldn't have scratched the surface, and for what, he was putting in 0, it was all a bunch of lies...?? It was heartbreaking, and I was scared to death to be alone, but, truly now looking back, I made the right choice, I was better off being alone for awhile, and on my own than I ever was living the lie, and trying to make someone love me for me and not having to pretend to be someone I'm not. What I find to be really funny, is that after we seperated and even after the divorce we talked off and on, and he tried to convince me to take him back, and that he'd change, he'd given up his ways and he'd work hard at our relationship -- all probably because he knew that he'd really screwd things up and he finally realized what a great thing he'd lost! He had realized that he really took my stability for granted, and never thought for a second that I would actually have enough balls to tell him to leave and that I would come to the conclusion that I was better off without him. Of course I'd tell him I would think about it, but knew I could never allow myself to take him back because once a cheater, always a cheater... and everyone deserves better than that! So, my advice, is flatly this, evaluate your situation, what is it that is truly making you work hard at this, and putting all this effort into a relationship involving your future, your happiness, and your life... is it something that you can honestly see yourself committing to for the next 10, 20 or 50 years without change? Then what you need to do is you need to stop looking for answers from us, and talk to the source. But it is really more than talking that needs to go on, your need to do more than tell him what you'd like him to do, you need to tell him how you feel and how he makes you feel when he does these things. If he doesn't think he can do some small things to improve things for you like helping out, and working on communicating with you and for the love of all things sacred stop calling other women s**y (that is completely, and totally WRONG!)  well, then you need to ask if he prepared for the marriage to fail? But if you do decide to use that as an ultimatum, you need to be serious about it, and you need to be firm... even if you use it as just a rouse, and ask for a separation, maybe he'll be like my EX and wake up a bit, before things go completely to the crapper. Because in my opinion that is exactly where it sounds like it is headed... Who knows, maybe you'll learn that it is better being without him -- and if you want to continue, if you decide it is worth trying to continue to save, knowing that you will be living like this until death do you part, well then sweetie, I pray for you!  Good Luck and for your sake, I hope he wakes up!

Answer 20

Yes, you are wrong.  You are wrong to allow him to do this to you. Ask him to reserve a pet name just for you??  All the pet names should be for you and only.  Your husband luck of respect for you and he is a flirty and player.  It's up to you to put up with it or not.

Answer 21

marriage is always a guessing game

One minute you think your right the next you wished you never said anything the the first place

you have to be true to you, sure love him, nurture him but you have to think of you in this whole picture

I can understand that you dont like him calling other women s**y but it seems like he is the type to say affectionate names instead of peoples real names

He is who he is and a lepard never changes it spots... love him for who he is (which seems to be an individual) speak your mind be true to you be let him be who he is also

Answer 22

He already has an on going open vocabulary with others that will be your down fall should you attempt to change that about him at this point. Seems to me that you are now trying to make him the man you want him to be. I can sense your fight and frustration in all of this. I may have the answer for you however most females either say that they tried that or that they just can't see themselves kissing a**.

Advice. You need to work on his ego. For example, if he does something positive, you must reward him with much praise. If he does something Not so good, you need to keep silent at that moment (no nagging). Later when the smoke clears you will sit him down calmly and explain your thoughts & feelings. You still need to continue to highly praise him and any positive actions on his part. In the interim, he will be learning how to behave with you and how to receive a high praise reward from you. Try it out & keep me posted. Good Luck!

Answer 23

You have ever right to be upset i would be damned to h**l before i let my husband call another woman s**y.The pet name thing i totally understand my hubby calls me doll-face, there should be special things that only you and him have,him not wanting to share is S****y and him not wanting to be excited for you about your achievement is even shittier,and the fact he wont help clean up yep you guessed it S****y,this is what i would do if i were you,stop cooking for him stop doing his laundry stop talking to him make yourself unavailable to him and cut him off from s*x.See how he likes that whats good for you should be good for him as well.I wouldn't trust him if i were you the fact he will go to another woman's house without you is disrespectful and even more so is the fact he will help them.you should come first and his friends second you are his wife his family i feel really bad for you but that's ok because if you do what i told you to do he will come around, when he is hungry wearing dirty clothes and is horny and you wont talk to him it will force him to see how he has made you feel  good luck you you hun (((((((hug))))))