Am I wrong to not forgive my daughter

Question

Here is my situation. I am a 40 yr old single mother. I have an 18 yr old and 20 yrs old daughter. My 18 yr old had a baby last year and we love the baby very much. She is again pregnant and even though we wern't ready for another I am excepting what is happening and will help her everyway possible. My 20 year old was alos pregnant at the same time as my 18 year old the last time but she miscarried very early on. Both of my daughters were pregnant at the same time. Here we are again they are both pregnant again at the same time, they are like a week apart in due dates. After they both told me and I went through my initial meltdown, I accepted this again and am looking forward to 2 more grandchildren. The reason I say I am excepting it and went through a melt down is due to the fact that I was in a LTR that ended due to the result of my daughter being pregnant. The issue caused fights for me and my significant other and he left me. To long of a story and different issue. My issue today is that my oldest daughter was at first upset and unhappy about being pregnant. Mainly due to the fact that the father was furious that she was pregnant. He even told her to make a choice it was either him or the baby. He left her for about 2 weeks and they are now back together but she is getting an abortion and soon. I am sick about the whole issue. I don't beleive in abortion and I tried to instill good values in my children when raising them. Yes I did tell them about birth control and they know my feelings on abortion. I have done everything possible I can think of to try and change her mind about getting this abortion done, but she refuses to listen to me. I haven't had much sleep last night becuse I beleive she is doing it today. I have prayed and cried and I feel no releif. I told her if she goes through with this I know she will regret it and to please reconcider. She refuses to talk to me. I feel horrible as a mother because I do not support her choice and I have told her that if she does this I will not be there for her when she breaks down and regrets it. I can't except what she is doing. I know she is doing this for him and when he leaves her and I know he will I just can't be there. I know she is my daughter and she has caused me alot of grief in the past but this is the biggest one of all. She wnt to the doctor and heard the heartbeat she told me she cried, I know she cares but he is making her do this for him. She is about 11 weeks along. Am I so wrong to feel so much anger towards her and especially towards him. I just can't forgive her for this choice am i wrong?

Answer 1

Yes, you are wrong not to forgive her.  You are her mother.  She'll have the rest of her life to not forgive herself.  It is your job as her mother to be there for her, no matter what her choices are, period.  Of course you don't agree.  Of course she is doing this for all the wrong reasons.  Yes, she will regret this.  More than likely this jerk will leave her and she will spend years hating herself for killing her baby for a man whom never really cared for her.  But, as her mother you need to be there to hold her when she breaks down.  That time will come.  You can't let this affect you so much that it ruins your life, your relationships, but you need to be there for your child; today, tomorrow, everyday for the rest of your living days regardless of how you feel about her decisions.

Answer 2

it is not your problem your daughter are grown and should be able to take care of themslves you and your man he was not upset i think it was something he wanted to do anyway so don't worry about your childern tell your girl the one who is getting the abortion that the man she got is not the one for her anytime he wants to kill his on child it's a life the bible tells you god saids i new you before you new yourself it's a life not just a lifeless form   god bless and keep your head up  

Answer 3

Forgive her, she's your daughter!

You have to be there for her...no matter what.  If you don't, you will lose more nights to sleeplessness, and you will not be able to forgive yourself.

She may come around in time, and dump her creep of a boyfriend.

Don't give up on her or you!!!

Answer 4

I would suggest that she go to a pregnancy help center and they can help her with this difficult decision.  Does your daughter know that having an abortion does more than just take the life of her baby, which is bad enough. It can cause physical and emotional turmoil for her.  However, if she does decide to go ahead and have the abortion, which I will pray she doesn't- then please do not abandon her.  She is your daughter.   She will definitely need you.  If you can email me, I would love to talk to you more, I counseled women for over 10 years. I would even like to talk with  your daughter if she would let me, through your email here.  

Answer 5

you are wrong not to forgive her but i understand why, she is making a terrible choice for all the wrong reasons and she will regret it for her life but all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces no matter what as hard as it will be that's what being a mum is all about.

good luck and i hope she makes the right decision before its too late x

Answer 6

Your feelings are justified.  However your child needs your guidance right now.  Arrange to have her meet with a counselor who can present ALL the options to her - abortion, adoption, open adoption, single parenthood, etc.  

Keep in mind that, no matter how hard it will be for you to do this, she is more likely to have the baby if she knows she can count on you to help her.

Answer 7

I cry reading your story.

I feel like saying, "Stop her! Call her! Don't let her do it!"

Oh, please be there for her now. Help her make the right choice.

She's been blessed with a little child inside her - her child, your grandbaby!

Oh, don't let her do it, don't!

She's still your little girl and always will be. Stop her from making a huge mistake. Oh, please. Stop her before it's too late.

Tell her you love her, you'll be there for her.

Make her think about the life of that dear little one inside her womb. Make her think about it. The precious life that's been created and formed within her. It's a real little person, her baby!!

Oh, don't let her do it!!

Answer 8

Thats rough... I mean, she's your daughter and you love her. And you will forgive her maybe someday, but for now just accept that you can't. I am sorry she is making this decision, she will truly never be the same. I know you will want to be there for her, but this is her mess. She's an adult, and she needs to deal with this in her own way because ultimately she is choosing her boyfriend over her own baby. 11 weeks is almost the end of her first trimester. And she is refusing to talk to you. so just leave it alone. You need to take time to grieve for the loss of your grandchild, and understand that you are human and it will not be easy to forgive. maybe someday you will, but not now. and thats OK. I agree that you should always be there for your children... but enough is enough. multiple pregnancies, abortions... when does it stop? at some point you have to think about the lives of your grandchildren and how it is affecting them too.

Answer 9

she is with a crazy guy and she needs to make her own decisions!

Ugh i hate abortion when it isn't necessary!

You sound like a really good mom, don't stress yourself too much. There is only so much a mom can say.. the rest is your daughters choice.. even though its not a good one and will affect her the rest of her life and may even cause her to be infertle.. tell her that..

good luck! God bless!

Answer 10

Her life, her decision, her regrets. She has to make this choice. No person is putting a gun to her head and making her do this. Hopefully she will learn from this and not get pregnant again before she is a responsible married adult who is financially and emotionally able to take care of another human being.

You must forgive and you must move on. This is your daughter. This is not your burden and not your choice. She will suffer enough.  

Answer 11

I have to say I agree with you, but I think that since she is your daughter you should support her every way possible. She depends on you to help her through her life problems. But I can understand where you are coming from. All you can do is tell her how you feel and what you think she should do. But if she still chooses to get an obortion, I would support her. I know it must be hard to do that since you think she is wrong to get an obortion, but try your best to help her with this very hard decsion. You know deep down inside that she is going to make the best desion possible for her and the baby. I hope this helps, and good luck.

Answer 12

As a woman that don't have a relationship with her mother i beg of you to forgive her and  always be there for her..the hardest thing in life is not having a mom to talk to in the times I need advice..my mom wont back off her throne no matter what i say and it hurts so much that she could possibly toss me to the side and not care anymore it hurts no matter what age you are...just put all bs to the side and be the family your suppose to be...be there for her no matter what...

Answer 13

I don't think your wrong for having the feelings that you do and am sending a hug your way.  Unfortunately she has to make up her own mind as to how she will handle her situation.  Just by what I've read from you I can see your in a lot of pain and hurt but I think in the end you will be there for her no matter the outcome.  I personally did the same thing your daughter is doing years ago and for the same reason although I was 19 and married.  He didn't want a child and I listened to him even though inside I was hurting knowing I didn't want to.  The sounds during the abortion ring in my heart still to this day laying there knowing a part of you is being taken away.  I will regret it always and am ashamed to even tell anyone what I did.  Needless to say the marriage ended and I was left with tremendous guilt for a lifetime.  Tell her to read these responses let her know you love her and will be there always but to please think about it there are other options for her unborn child such as adoption.  Ask her to please go off alone without her boyfriend and sit in peace with no distractions and for you and herself...stop and think about it before she acts.  I'm sorry but in the end it is her decision and I pray she won't do this.  Let go of your anger as I'm pretty sure you will in the end.  How many times raising our kids to we get angry and yet we tend to be there to pick up the pieces over and over because we love them their Gods Gifts.  

Answer 14

i am very sorry for you this is not a good situation,your daughter is in a horrible sitution that will end in tears and grief/regret,yes i know you now feel angry towards her and you know she is wrong but you are her mum and she is going to need you more than ever soon,dont turn away from her no matter what you feel,she is being emotionally blackmailed and is confused,without you she will be worse off and her emotions will be torn by the loss of  baby/her boyfriend and mainly you. please try to overcome your .feelings against her and think of your daughter.she needs you.good luck.

Answer 15

You can feel any way you want, but you have to understand this is not your decision to make.  This is a decision that is hard, and your daughter is going to need your support to get through it emotionally and physically.  If you put up a barrier between the two of you, you might hurt your relationship forever.

Abortion is not about "good values", it is a personal choice that many women make because they aren't ready to be parents.  Your daughter is probably making the choice because of a dumb guy, but she still needs your love and support.  

Parenting is a big deal, and your daughter is obviously not up to the task of it yet, she is still really young, and has a lot of growing up to do.

Please remember this is NOT about you, but about your daughter and this is her choice to make, not yours.  I know you are sad about the loss of your grandchild, but be happy your daughter is open with you and can tell you things that you might not agree with.

I have had two abortions and have never told my mom.   I could never be that open with her.  Your daughter obviously loves and trusts you, and you need to help her through this.  You do not want to lose her over this.

Abortion is such a personal decision, it is hard to see the reasoning behind it when you are not the person who is facing it.  

I really just want you to realize that your daughter is going to be hurting too, and she needs you to not judge her for this.  Please, just be supportive and loving, do not hold it over her head.