Am i a bad mother?

Question

I have a 4 year old daughter, and i dont feel as if anything i do is ever enough for her.

She constantly runs around and so far this week she has been out every day to the park, out for lunch, had friends round, constant suppy of movies for her to watch, and outings maybe once a week to the beach etc...

My partner is at work during the day but my gran is living with me just now so she gets all the attention she needs, but if i say im going to the shop there is ALWAYS the remark from her, "can i get".... as there has to be something more....

If I want to sit for an hour she is constantly in our faces, requiring one to one, and she wont play on her own....

What do you do with a typical 4 year old? do you always have other kids for them to play with? I dont know where im going wrong =(

Answer 1

Let Her Friends Come Over

Answer 2

She's 4  this is normal she's not out of the me me me me stage just yet.  At this time teach her that it's not all about her and she will grow out of  that me me me stage fairly well.  Good luck to you

Answer 3

I have four boys and my second to oldest is four. I believe that when a child turns four they go through the terrible twos all over again and there is nothing you can really do they just have to get over it. No your not a bad mom far from it we all get stressed and frustrated as moms.

Answer 4

Do not even think you are a bad mother for one second because your child wants more attention. She is four, this is what they do.

Just put her infront of a coloring book with some crayons and let her have fun!

Then take your break. It is just as important for them to learn how to play by themselves as it is for us to get a break.

Answer 5

Yes you ARE a bad mother, stop spoiling her and start giving her boundaries. Kids need boundaries. In fact I bet you that she is looking for boundaries and that is why she keeps pushing and pushing for more stuff. She is looking for you to set a boundary for her but every time she pushes you give in. You probably think that by getting her everything she wants you are expressing your love. But notice it doesn't matter how much she has she keeps pressing for more. Despite your continual provision of all of her WANTS you are now asking if you are a good mother. Isn’t that what you were trying to prove by getting her all that junk in the first place? You are like a bowl of jelly and now you are groveling to your 4 year old.  Shame on you. It's kind of an abusive situation really, kids need structure and you refuse to give it to her.

I have a feeling this is not the answer you wanted to hear. You were probably looking for affirmation that you are a good mother and that your daughter is a bad child. Well, the reality is you have created the mold that she is being formed in. You are the one that has spoiled her so you are the one at fault. She will have to deal with this abusive situation for the rest of her life unless you correct it now and nip this battiness in the bud.

Answer 6

No its not you! She's just a little spoiled. I suggest doing what my mom did with my little sister. She couldn't ask her 4 anything for a week. And after that week she was so grateful. She said please and thank u.

Answer 7

First, you're not a bad mom.

Second, you are doing too much.  Kids need to have down time - time to just play quietly by themselves and develop imagination.  They need to have time where there aren't other people around to entertain them or to tell them how to play.

It may take some time for her to get used to this since she hasn't had to do it yet.  You should have a few hours every day where you and Gran are "busy" and she need to go play by herself.  You can start out with getting her started on some sort of project or art thing - beading, coloring, building blocks, dressing up, etc.  Then you walk away and go do some laundry, etc.  Come back and quietly check in and mention how nice she's playing, then go back to being "busy".  She just isn't used to entertaining herself right now.

Answer 8

u do do enough.  thats just the way kids are.  they always want something new. it means they are growing

Answer 9

Maybe she doesn't know what to do with herself because she's always doing so much, all the time. I only say this because I've gone through the same thing with my kids (almost 4 and almost 3). I used to take them out to the theme parks near us, the zoo, the park, play dates, etc. EVERY DAY... And then came a day when we sat at home, and it's like, they didn't know how to enterain themselves without all the commotion of going out.

My suggestion is to slow down the excursions and try to stay at home just to get her to learn how to entertain herself. I'm not saying to ignore her. But what I do is I'll have mine "free play", and so that I'M not bothered, I don't sit. I do chores, so they're forced to figure out what to do on their own...then once they get bored, I'll offer an activity or play with them. They don't need CONSTANT attention; they get spoiled by that unfortunately! Take it easy at home a couple days a week and let her figure out how to entertain herself without you.

Answer 10

It sounds like you are a very loving and attentive mother...and it sounds like you need to pull back a little.

You are spoiling her a little bit.

It's ok for you to do so much for her and it's wonderful that you are so intune with her needs...but you also have to teach her that it's ok that she doesn't get every single little thing that she wants everytime she wants it.  Do you get everything you want every time you want it?  No...no one does.  

You need to set some limitations.  It's ok for you to have alone time.  It's ok for her to play by herself for a little while.  It's ok for her to go to the store and come back with nothing but the groceries that were on the list....it's OK.

It's important that she learn that, just as important as having a loving and nurturing home.

It's OK to want...she has everything she "needs"...it's ok for her to learn to "want"...there is a difference mommy....she may "want" everything ...it doesn't mean she "needs" to have everything she wants.

Good Luck!  :)

Answer 11

As a only child; I was able to keep myself occupied. I don't believe that there are really bad mothers, just mom's that don't know what they don't know!  Raising a child with values & morals and manners is a tough job! They say it takes a village to raise a child.  Back in the old days that worked! Today we live in such a fast paced world that it is all we can do to make decissions for ourselves! Raising a child is never easy, it takes more that clothes, food, school etc.. It is very difficult for people to handle unrully children & it takes a lot of work!!!! Disapline is important, giving them a education is more than just school. Manner's, values, morals, etc. But when this is done the benifits are that just one child can make a differance in the world and pride in how you raised them!

Answer 12

Well put your foot down.  If you don't she'll expect everything.  And of course she'll have friends.  Don't forget your the parent and you know what's best for you daughter.

Answer 13

your doing to much your spoiling her

Answer 14

no  , you are not a bad mother. you need to let your little girl play on her own. maybye just leave her for 20 minuetes wioth a toy , and if she comes to you say you are busy. she also needs to learn that she cant always have what she wants. and - maybe have a 'mummy time' once a day or so where she is left on her own to play why mummy relaxes - has a bath or whatever.

hope this helps!

Answer 15

hmmm it sounds like she needs to use her imagination more...I have a pretty good memory and I remember when I was 4 I would be in my room playing with dolls, combing their hair, having "tea time" by myself and loved it, coloring, etc. Also there were luckily for me shows like "Punky Brewster" which if any1 dared to me away from I'd scream. I know you said she won't play alone, but maybe just try to teach her how to. Maybe you could try to introduce her to activities that don;'t require you to do them with her? Like give her a coloring book to color out of, and explain 2 her that it's best to do alone, or help her to learn how to play with her dolls like how to style their hair etc. or let her do water coloring. some kind of hobby so she won't need your attention all the time.

Answer 16

it sounds like you are doing to much. really  she might be overstimulated. they need to be taught downtime as well as everyhting else there is a time and place for sitting quitly by yourself and playing or exploring.

Answer 17

Your not doing anything WRONG. You're trying to be the best possible parent. The fact of the matter is, you may be giving her too much. She doesn't understand the value of what she's getting because she never really wants for anything. While I feel like your a great mom and doing a great job, it's time to draw the line. Teach her that getting new things and going fun places are treats. I'm not saying lock her in the house and then "treat" her to fun activities, but instead of giving her everything you can think of and more, tone it down a little. You're wearing yourself out! She will push more and probably rebel a little at first. She's used to getting things her way always and now you need a little mom time. Don't feel guilty taking it.

  I take an hour everyday for myself and my kids. They go to their rooms and entertain themselves while I take a nap, watch a movie, whatever. We call it quiet time. It's just an hour of the day where everyone gets a break. They learn self reliance and we all get a moment to just.... be. They are 6&4 but we started at 4 1/2 and 3. It works great for us!

Answer 18

I dont let my daughter watch cartoons in the living room, i got her her own TV and we set up in there for her movies, i got all the movies on eBay on VHS and removed the VCR for the living room, (DVD only out there and she has no DVDs) i dont allow more then a few toys in the living room, which she MUST take back to her room if she wants juice or to play out side on anything. i made sure my daughters room is play ready and fun and she has a kids size table in there with coloring books and color crayons at hand (we only had one coloring on the wall and i got a magic eraser and made sure she understood that it hurt Mommy's feelings when she colored on the walls. It worked. My daughter is an only child. we both work, i work  full time. my daughter is at daycare 3 days a week for 4 hours, that is her social. I do not have kids over very much. my daughter is happy, i involve her in alot of the adult things i do but she does play in her room by her self. when she goes through a i need need need phase i simply walk out and not give in, she may scream, but then she gets to sit in the chair for a time out. and the timer does not start until i can hear my self think... I am not a perfect mom, i do my best and it seems to be working well.  good luck, and remember you are doing your best, as long as your kids are healthy feed, colthed and not beaten or mentaly abused you are doing great!

Answer 19

No, you aren't a bad mother. But you are a mother who needs to set boundaries. You need to say  No, when she asks for things.   In fact, you need to tell her that you will always say no unless, before you go, you've told her she can buy something. Then you need to stick to it. Purchases for herself should be few and far between, even if she is willing to use her own money.

Allow her to buy a gift once in a while for Gram to teach her to think of others. But it really does have to be for Gram.

4 year olds don't play well alone. They are at the beginning of the ages of socialization. But they need to understand, and are capable of understanding that YOU need some private time. Make sure she has things to keep her busy, one person games, crafts, good old clay if you don't have every room carpeted. If you repeat each time she comes to you that this is Mommy's Time and not give her the attention she's demanding, she'll act out a few times, but will learn. Respect for others, good manners have to be taught then reinforced almost until adulthood. The good news is that kids really do respect and want someone besides them to be in control.

The first step is to make a stand then refuse to back down.  Then another, then another until you have taken back all the Mommy power. Reward her with a special outing when she cooperates. See if you can get a friend or relative to do something with her that doesn't involve spending money once in a while if she doesn't have any friends close by. She gets as tired of just seeing you as you do of entertaining her.  Good luck.

Answer 20

You are not a bad mother first of all... spending one on one is awesome.  She sounds like a very blessed little girl.  The only thing is to start teaching her of value and thankfulness.  At four she can have a small allowance and that will teach her about the monetary value.  If she wants something from the store she can save up her money.  

Thankfulness there are many books on this and stories in movies.  You can even make up your own or put together an object lesson.  

Playing with mom dad and gran are great but kids do need to learn to be able to entertain themselves sometimes.  What if you were sick?  She would go nuts right?  

One thing that you can do is get her learning toys and things that she can do on her own.  As moms we need to be able to encourage independence in some things.  Our goal is to raise our children so that they know right from wrong and eventually so that they can survive out there on their own.  Play dough and things of that nature they can do on their own, if you have a fenced in yard she can have supervised play time.  Depending on your neighborhood and all you should be able to let her play in the backyard (again fenced in) for 10 minutes or so.  Gradually working up to more and more so that she will know that she can entertain herself.  One thing that we did was have a box (shoe box) that our daughter helped decorate.  In it we had ideas written down of things to do (alone).  These were things that she had helped come up with and things we'd gotten from places like Child Craft, other moms and so forth.  That way if she comes to you and says she's bored or what not you can say, "let's go pick something from the box" then she knows that she does an activity by herself and then can do something with mommy.  WE like to make cookies, we have a list of things that we do together.  I am blessed to be a stay home mom but am thankful that there are times when our daughter is perfectly happy to sit on her own with a coloring book, or puzzle, even her dolls "babies"  She is very imaginative and we encourage that.  Then later we go out and play.  You just need balance things or she will burn you out and she will not learn how things work.  It will get worse the older she gets.  Ana is almost 4 and she is strong willed so we had to start early on.  

Blessings :)

Answer 21

Your not a bad mother and you are giving her love and attention she needs.Now is time to take to the next level.The level of disciplinary and control for her, because she has been spoiled enough now is a stage she doesn't get what she wants it is you want what she is going to be.Plenty authority over your child and what you say goes and as she rejects,and she will, the spanking and good authorization's come in hand as a must! Continue to give her love and attention as you minimized it as the behavior changes the disciplinary resolves of more stricken as life goes whether you like it or not, it will pay in the end for the better!Do not let her take control! You have to have her under your authority at all times with alternatives of you deciding decisions for her.She will reject and you have to obey your decision regardless of the rejection and if you at any point decide it is OK just this time then she will be spoiled and upbringing will be horrible and that is a no-no.You must take control!

Answer 22

You are over catering to her.  That is why she won't play on her own...she has never had to entertain herself so she doesn't know how to.  She is always in your faces because that is what you taught her to be.  If you want her to play by herself you have to start teaching her how.  Sit with her, play "dolls" with her and while she's playing excuse yourself but tell her to keep on playing that you'll be back and DO go back after a few minutes, after awhile make the time you're gone a little longer.

Answer 23

My boys are 3 and 5.  They know that once or twice a week i may allow friends over for a couple of hours and sometimes we have family visit that has kids their age group but they have learned that demanding things and getting in my face about stuff isn't going to work.  They can ask once but if i say no then i mean no.  If I say we will see and they bug me about it then the answer will be no and they have learned that too.  I would recommend a great book called "Incredible Years" it really has some great advice on how to get children to be more respectful and how to teach them the boundries and such.  My sister is the type to give it too though, her 6 year old is rarely ever home. She lets him spend the weekends with friends or family and sometimes he is gone during the week too because he says he is bored at home and he acts so bad that she gives in just to get a break from him.  I keep telling her that rewarding him for bad behavior is only going to create more bad behavior.  I would really recommend reading the book and see if it helps you, i know it helped me with my boys and my 5 1/2 year old has PDD/Aspergers and sensory Intergration.

Answer 24

First of all, you are not a bad mother.  But, kids need to be taught that being alone and playing by their selves is good.  Funny thing, but it isn't something all children learn on their own, especially if they have constant attention and are given the majority of everything they want.  Kids, just like adults need to know the difference between wants and needs.  And with that, they have to find happiness with something in between needs and wants.