Am i being a controlling bride?

Question

My soon to be mother-in-law asked if she could help plan the wedding with my mom and I. I told her I had no problem and the more the merrier! (Which I honestly mean.) However, she has one daughter and her daughter ran away from home to get married. So my soon to be mother-in-law will never get to plan a wedding because of what her daughter did. It seems to my mom and I as if she is trying to take over everything for my wedding. I understand her son is the groom, but I am the only daughter as well and if she takes over then my mom will never get a wedding to plan. I have told her something about it, but she does not seem to understand. And this past weekend we made the invitations and she told me "I do not like it like that this is how we are going to do it." I told her no and she told me I was being too demanding! IT IS MY WEDDING!

Answer 1

Obviously this is the most stressful relationship during wedding planning. Or has the potential to be. Remember when you're deciding how to deal with this, that however you deal with this now is setting a precedent for your future relationship with her. You're in a relationship with the woman now for good so there is no short term quick fix solution. (Example, to relieve some stress, you give her control over something just to not have to deal with it anymore, and then this sort of establishes a pattern for future similar situations).

I don't think based on what you've written that you're being controlling. I think back there somewhere she had no opportunity, maybe even at her own wedding, to be in control of decisions, or make any plans, and now she sees this as her opportunity. Of course, this is your wedding, and you have your own mother who wants to be involved also. And you do have your own vision about what you want. You need to have a really frank conversation with her (polite of course) to clarify this. But before you go into that conversation, realize that there are things she can do to make her feel in charge of something (here is a list of a MOG's duties in detail, by the way, so run down that list and see what hasn't  been done yet, or add your own things to it, that you feel certain you can hand over the reins to her for and let her handle it/them http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-m...  )

But also keep an open mind, like I said, in that you are building a long term relationship with this woman, so you need to be firm but be willing to listen also.

Good luck  

Answer 2

She is not your problem to deal with. Your fiance needs to speak to her for you.  

Answer 3

Having a daughter does not mean you get to 'plan a wedding'.  You said your "Mom will never get to plan a wedding"...No, YOU might never get to plan a wedding.  Your Mom planned hers, MIL hers, now this ones is yours and your Fiance's!  You might have only sons and be a MOG or a even girl who plays for the 'other team' and end up with two MOB'S, lol.

You left out some details regarding the invitations. What exactly didn't she like that lead to her to say that you were being too demanding?  Impossible to answer question without them.

You seem to want to involve both Mom's in the wedding planning.  Be careful.  Make sure future hubby is making decisions and backing you up.

MOB/MOG's get weird, territorial, normally easy going women freak out and can say things with as much finesse as a child!    You would be surprised how, as the wedding date approaches, nerves can turn your own Mom into a Momzilla!  

Who is paying for what? If MOG is paying for rehearsal dinner, organize that with her separately. Do other things with just your Mom.  Relax, everything/everyone returns to normal about a month after the wedding.

Congratulations and have a beautiful wedding!

Answer 4

helping is one thing, taking over is another...assign specific stuff for her to do, do not let her pick and choose...and continue to say No, it's my wedding if you don't like the suggestions or state "I've already ordered/arranged and placed a deposit on so and so.....it's too late for a change...and things that are really important, plan, set in place, and inform her after it's put in motion.....good luck.

Answer 5

No, you aren't being too bossy. It is your wedding and she has no right to control every little thing. But remember that it's her son and she wants to help so don't completely block her out of it. Maybe give her something special to plan, like a mother/son dance and maybe she will be happy and you can relax a little too. Good luck and congrats! :]

Answer 6

you are absolutely right.  this is your wedding.

try discussing things with your fiance and making decisions before you talk w your mom or your mil.

i found it to be much easier when i said, "this is what we decided...."  instead of, "what do you thing we should do?"

after you decide what you are doing, decide ways for both of them to help.  so you can be like, "this is what we decided to do...can you please help us with ____?"

you don't have to include them in anything and you don't have to do everything they tell you to do.  decide what is very important to you and stand your ground for those points.  the other things... that you don't really care about... if they suggest something...think about it.  if it isn't important to you and it will make someone's day by doing it some other way...then change it.  but...if you do something that you will be upset about... than don't do it!!

i looked through etiquette books and websites a lot when making decisions.  this way, when someone questioned me... i was like, "well, this was the right way to do it."  you can never argue with the proper\right way to do things!!!

hang in there.  like i said... pick one or two important things for her to do... and make it like they are soooo important and she is so special for doing them...

hope this helps!!

and again...talk w your fiance and decide together what the two of you want....THEN AND ONLY THEN...dicsuss it w everyone else.  this is your wedding and your day..its' about you guys and what you want...not them..

all the best :)

Answer 7

You can RESPECTFULLY point out that when she TOLD you that it was going to be done a particular way, SHE was being controlling.

Maybe you can think of something in particular that she does or prefers.  Say for instance something like, she may have people remove their shoes upon entry to her home.  You may not have your guest do the same.  You can let her know that you have not tried to get her to change what she wants because it is hers and you respect that.  And as adults, we'll all respect one another as so.

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p.s. please do not be offended by this grammatical correction.

When referring to yourself in conjunction with someone else, you should use the word "me" or "i" in the same manner as if you were making reference to yourself without a reference to anyone else.

EX:

She wants to help plan the wedding with me. (singular)

She wants to help plan the wedding with my mom and me. (compound)

I will let her help plan the wedding. (singular)

My mom and I will let her help plan the wedding. (compound)

It seems, to my mom and me, that she is trying to take over. compound)

It seems to me, that she is trying to take over. (singular)

I think she is trying to take over.

My mom and I think she is trying to take over.

Answer 8

You're right and she's wrong. I suggest you have a chat to her - keep it diplomatic - and let her know you're not happy with the way she's doing things and if she wonlt do it your way she will have to step out of planning the wedding.

Answer 9

Planning a wedding is always stressful when families are involved. Remind her that she had a chance to plan her own wedding and that you want to share the same experience with your mother to the fullest extent. Be firm like you were with the invitations but also smile and nod when you can.

Answer 10

You Are Not Being Controlling, Your Mother-In-Law Is.

My Sister Had The Same Problem.

When They 1st Started Planning They Negotiated Who Would Pay For What, Then The Rest Would Be Split Evenly. When It Came To Organizing The M.I.L Things, She Would Do Whatever She Could To Get Out Paying, But Still Wanted Them Done Her Way.

Remind Your M.I.L That This Is Your Day & You'd Like Your Invitations Done YOUR Way.

Answer 11

no

Answer 12

i am in a similar situation. my future MIL lives 2 hours away and wants to be involved. she is dropping hints to my fiance and making him feel bad that shes not included. what i did, is i gave her a few specific tasks to do. she is in charge of making the greeting board and the place cards. that way, she stays out of my hair, and something gets done that i don't want to do. good luck

Answer 13

H* no, like you said your wedding

our parents probably will be thrilled if they just get a wedding to come with (family hist of elopings), and not just a phone after it happened informing them we are wed

even if we do plan someting, it will be through delegation, inputs only on Our request (me and my bf)

Answer 14

Well, you did invite her to be part of the planning process, so you and your mom have to give her a little room to make suggestions, but she is way out of line to get all bent out of shape over the invitations and insist on doing them "her" way.  If I were you, I would delegate certain responsibilities for her to be completely in charge of, like maybe favors or table linens or something, so she can feel like she was the one who made the final decision on some aspects of the wedding, without her completely overtaking the whole thing.

And just remember- the invitations will be long forgotten in about 6 months, but you have to have this woman in your life forever.  Pick your battles and decide what's really worth getting into a fight over.

Answer 15

No, I don't think so at all.  When I started planning my wedding I would call my sisters, friends, or mom to offer suggestions about things, some were helpful, some weren't, some were just rude, i.e. my mother (Your wedding is going to be boring!)  I say that to say this, when I stopped "consulting" with people and started to make my own decisions about how I wanted my wedding, the stress was eliminated.  What's that saying? Too many cooks in the kitchen spoils the broth, or something to that effect. I can understand this being your fiance's mother, you don't want to make waves. Tell your future mother -in-law, in a loving fashion, that her help and suggestions are more than appreciated and you value her insight, however you have a particular vision for your wedding and you would appreciate if she understood and respected that.  

Answer 16

I don't think you are. It's very nice of you to have her a part of the wedding.  There's always some sort of drama and stress!

From here all you can do is continue to include her but be firm and don't let her push you around.  I'm sure you're being very polite to her, but it is your wedding and it should be YOUR way!

Good luck and congrats!

Answer 17

IT is your wedding and ultimately you have to make the decision. Just remember that the person that you are marrying also has a family with feelings. Involve his mom in some way that she really cannot mess up I.E. pulling together preconstructed favor boxes or something that really doesnt matter as much as the invitations...since it is your wedding you are in no way being too demanding. You only get married once so why not have everything exactely as you want!

Answer 18

yip

Answer 19

maybe to save the family from world war 3 from breaking out, a good idea might be to have your projects already picked out and have her assemble them with some input of her own, but make sure to have her clear it with you and your soon to be first, sometimes it might even be better if he says yeah mom we like it, or no that really doesn't match what we want.  Sometimes hearing this from her own son is what she needs, verses where you could tell her the same thing till your blue in the face.  at any rate do not get mad, just smile and ask your soon to be to have a word with mother about what you guys really want as the final choice.

Answer 20

It is your wedding, the invitations and everything else is your choice, if she wants to help you follow through with the tasks and decisions you've already made that is fine. But let her know you don't mind her help but the decisions are up to you and your soon to be husband.

Answer 21

You are not being demanding. It is your wedding and I think it is very important that you be firm. Politely tell her that you understand that she is entitled to her opinion but in the end the final decision is that of you because you are the bride. If she would like to plan a wedding, she can feel free to re-new her vows or re-marry (whatever her case may be), but this is your time and you intend to do what you need to in order to have your wedding day be what you've dreamed of.

Answer 22

This is what you do, get you, your fiance, and both moms together (even dads too if they want).  You and your fiance need to talk ahead of time and come to a conclusion.

you tell them all you are happy to take any and all suggestions but int he end its yours and his wedding, not theirs.  that final choices are made by the two of you and only the two of you.

Answer 23

How are YOU too demanding when it is her that said "I don't like it like this, "THIS is how we are going to do it?!" Talk about Pushy! Tell her to knock it off, it's your wedding and you'll have it as you see fit! Gracious. Look out after the wedding, she sounds very controlling.