Am i not a parent?

Question

I'm a birthmother to a wonderful 14 month old girl. She's in open adoption so i see her everyother weekend. I wanna know why people think i should just let her go. I didn't just give her away i choose whats best for her by entrusting her to 2 very wonderful people who love that child more than anything on this earth. I will never be mommy in that sense nor should i be but does that make me anyless of a parent? The situation i was dealing with was not a good one and i wanted better for her. I wanted to know that she is clothed that she doesnt go hungry and that if she was sick and had to go the hospital whatever they had to do they could. She made me a better person and i will always be grateful for that so i did what i thought was right by given her the life she deserved. So i wanna know does that make me less of a parent does that make me a bad mother because i wanna know what you think. Good or bad i would like to hear what everyone thinks.

Answer 1

dont listen to other people. they dont control your life. you did what was best for your child and there is nothing wrong with it.

Answer 2

I think it is respectable and a good decision. If you were not able to provide like you want for your baby, I'm glad that you are actually willing to admit it and figure out what to do to make it happen for your baby. It was a very mature thing that you did, and I am also happy that you still keep in contact with your child. It shows that you wern't looking for an excuse just to get rid of her, but you chose to give her the better life you could not give her.

Answer 3

dont listen to other

Answer 4

You will always be her parent -- her mother.  Being adopted doesn't change that.  I hope you never forget that.

I'm adopted, and at 43 years old, I still know that I have 4 parents.

ETA:

Even though I had parents to raise me, I would have been more than happy to have first parents to be in my life when I was growing up.  

By the way, it sounds to me like you ARE going on with your life.  You daughter is part of your life, and hopefully you two will always be a part of each others' lives.

Answer 5

Of course you are!  Your child will be healthier and happier than most adoptees becuase you are there! Please dont leave!

Answer 6

You made a very responsible choice. I have a friend who did the same thing as you and we were very happy with her decision. She made more of an adult choice than most do. That doesn't make you less of a parent or a bad mother you did what was best for her if anything to me it seems like it would be a harder decision when you get to see the baby everyother weekend. I think if more people would look out for the intrest of the babies we wouldn't have so much trouble out of the youth today. It must have been a hard decision but after all the thought you put into it i am sure you did the best for her.

Answer 7

It is quite understandable to want to keep checking on her, but you chose parents for her and it really is time to let go,  the more you see her the harder it will be for you to move on and start your own life.   I placed my son for adoption 4 years ago and saw him 3 times after that.  Everytime I saw him it got harder to let go of him.  The child must form a bond with his parents now and it is the loving thing for you to move on.  You can still send letters and exchange pictures, but unless you are raising this child, you should step back.  You are her mother but not the parent. My heart goes out to you.

By being adopted, I understand that my birthmother entrusted me to 2 awsome people to raise me.  And that is exactly what a PARENT does, they raise the child. They are there when the child is potty training, when the child is very sick, on the first day on school, their first dance, and all the other milestones of that child's life. I was simply answering your question, if you were a parent or not, and that is what I believe a parent is to a child.  I don't celebrate mothers day just because I gave birth to my son, the wonderful person I chose to raise him does.

I'm not being hurtful in any way this is just my opinion.

AND TO EVERYONE OUT THERE ON THE WEB, I AM ADOPTED AND ALSO A BIRTHMOTHER AND AM VERY MUCH ENTITLED TO AN OPINION.

Answer 8

I think you are still a parent to a degree - you just don't give her daily care as the a-parents do.  As a parent, you made a wise, difficult decision in the best interest of your child.  

I guess it depends on your definition of "parent".  I have a b-mom - who I have never met - and I have my mom, who is the one who tried her best to give me what I needed and wanted as I grew.  <Shrug>  It's all relative to each individual.  

Just take peace in knowing you did what you had to do to give your child a better life and be content and happy in being able to see her grow.  =)

Answer 9

You mothered a child and gave and  continued a life that had begun by the way life begins.  For what ever reason for what ever circumstance, you will only and at best just be a part of whatever this child reveres in life.

And the Living God bless you for not ending this wonderous life, she will always be your daughter, and I am happy that she has a relationship with you.  Each person's case is different, I am not trying to judge, nor be harsh, I am just sharing my soul's honesty with you.



However, in the sense of being a parent as in parenting, no, you are not a parent, nor a mother in the sense of upbringing and nurturing and being the bonded sole proprietor of the child's schema of life.  You are indeed the progenater and the giver of life to this miracle of life, though.

My words may sound harsh, but they are not intended as a harsh criticism against you, for I would like to add that as a boy I had had other adults in my life outside of my natural mother and father that must get credit to instilling values, and developing my psyche and my life's schema of the being who and what I am today.

So, although I love my parents, the truth is they were only part-timers and to be honest they didnot play too great of a role in my being.  My natural birth parents  are truly just the sire and dame of my life.

Your actions I can relate to in the sense that you would rather sacrifice titles and even the depth of relationship for the stable providence in order for the betterment and the safety netting of this child.

But, it is not the stability, nor safety nets that makes the bond between sire/dame and children it is love and tender instillings and witnessed sacrifices the child sees of those that love it, Being involved doesnot ensure the rights to the titles of  mommy, daddy, or even the qualification of being parent as far as that matters.  It is the spiritual oneness and the sense of belonging and nurturing and the intenseness of being and solely belonging to that matters most.

My soul cried in wails and moans as I stood before the body of my birth mother at her wake.  I was weak, a big strong bodied man, crying, moaning wobbly and weak on his legs.  My soul mourned and I recall uttering "mommy."  Yet, through all of this, I never recall calling her that ever before in my life.  I had only gotten to know her when I was 13 ( although I had faint memories of her and certain visitations from her, and I recognized her as being my "real mother" yet I never knew her).  I lived 4 years or so with her, until I went into the Marines at 17.  

I grew up with this bitterness for her, why I don't know.  I was the youngest of the family, and because of her decision to divorce my dad, and marry the man she spent the rest of her life with, that utterly destroyed some of my brothers and sisters maybe not directly, but it scarred them, and the indirect destruction was caused by her selfishness. Or whatever it was that she concluded on for her decision making, I merely marked her grade as a failure and went on from there.  But therer was always this deep rooted bitterness that I had had for her.

Indirect hurt by her abandoning us, whatever her justification, in the sense that they were place in foster homes. Some of my brothers and sisters spent what should have been their innocence, being abused.  

Me being the youngest, I had gotten placed in a wonderous Christian home.  The two had wanted to adopt me, but my father after 4 years was finally remarried and showed that he had the rights to regain "parental guardianship."

The courts took us from him from the start after my "dame" or my mom went dallying around with her new beau. She was no where to be found. Because the state had found us children at home fending for ourselves, alone, while my dad worked there were no one outside of p*****n age siblings caring for the toddlers and such.  So, from there the dysfunction began and it has yet to end because we are all products of not only heredity but of atmosphere also.

Anyrate, I have revealed all of this to say that indeed, she is my mother, and just as you are your daughter's mother, yet this is all that you have reliquished and demanded for yourself to be.  The dame and the mother, but not exactly the parent.  Is a surrogate mother a mother? Yes, and no.  She brought forth life, yet she is surrogate.

I had other women that gave more mothering to me than my mother, and the same for my father.  I had other men that gave and instilled attributes that he never did, maybe he couldnot have. All I can judge is that they both did their best, yet one of the two (father) did better, and most likely both lived with great regrets for all of it.  As did we children.

But the greatest thing I recall about my father is, that he walked me, hand in hand to church.  This is one of my earliest memories of him.  And the church was about 3 miles away from the house.  But he cared enough to give me and my brothers and sisters the greatest gift of all, the introduction to serving the Living God.

I only spent 4 years of my life getting to know him too.  So, in the 4 decades of my life, totally combined there are 8 years of part time mommy and part time daddy.  Are they my parents?  

"Yeah, for part of my life!"

They will always be cherished by my soul, yet there are others that they shared their role with, at least me, that  I have had to give a greater  respect for these nonblood kinship and adoption by spirit for their sacrifices and influences towards me that they had and have given.

I pray for you, you must have had your reasons and I am glad that you have had a relationship with your daughter, I hope the best for all that are involved.  I appreciate your honesty, I gave you mine.  

But, whatever the reasons I appreciate your question, and can only hope that your daughter give you the answer you seek for.  I can only judge by darklies and insights and influences of my life's circumstances.  Those of my life are not those of your life.

Godspeed....the Living God loves you, I pray for you and your situation....but only she and you can answer this nagging question deep within your soul.

Answer 10

Yes, you are a mother.  Your role has her mother is just as important as the role of her adoptive mom.  I am so happy for you that you have an open adoption.  I respect you and the decision you made for your daughter.  I truly try not to judge others as i have not walked in their shoes.

Answer 11

you are as much a parent as you feel.

I think this is a great inspiration to others considering adoption.

Answer 12

I think you are a hero!  What you have done for your child is beyond selfless.  I wish there was a way to encourage more pregnant  moms to consider placing their child for adoption if they are unable to properly care for the child.

In regard to people telling you to let go - the arrangement is between you and the adoptive family and not the business of outsiders.  You have already shown that you can step back and put the well-being of others ahead of your own wants so do what your heart tells you.

You are a birth mother and, as I said, a hero in a very important way.  That child was blessed.  Thank you for doing what you have done.

Answer 13

I think it makes you a wonderful mother and person to realize you just could not do it on your own, and that your child deserved better. There are so many parents out there that are not smart enough to do this, and their children go without, or are abused etc...

Answer 14

I have not read all the answers to your question...

I can say based on my own personal feelings that being a mother and/or father is one thing...Being a parent is another.

My older children are adults... Age 24 and 23 I am their mother but, my Parenting Role is over.... I will always be their mother but to me the definition of Parent is a VERB:

–verb (used with object) to be or act as parent of: to parent children with both love and discipline. the act of raising a child....

HOWEVER that is NOT the Only way to define Parent:

1. a father or a mother.  

2. an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor.  

3. a source, origin, or cause.  

4. a protector or guardian.  

5. Biology. any organism that produces or generates another.  

6. Physics. the first nuclide in a radioactive series. –adjective 7. being the original source: a parent organization.  

8. Biology. pertaining to an organism, cell, or complex molecular structure that generates or produces another: parent cell; parent DNA.  

–verb (used with object) 9. to be or act as parent of: to parent children with both love and discipline.

So--Yes, you are a parent.

Answer 15

You should right the experience down and give it to the adoptive parents to share with the little one when they feel it's right or when the child turns 18.  That, makes you a good parent even though you aren't raising the child yourself, you made sure the child was cared for and didn't murder it.

Me, mom who gave my third child up and then married and raised a total of 5 kids.

Answer 16

Of course you are.  You are and will always be her mother.  A piece of paper can not change that.

Answer 17

You're not a bad mother at all!!! You don't need to justify yourself on here in front of strangers. Be careful on here people are horribly rude and not at all fair!

And for the record this stranger thinks you are incredibly courageous and wise

Answer 18

I think that makes you a great parent!  You gave your daughter a life she couldn't have had with you and that is a difficult thing to do.  Plus you are staying in her life but also leaving the "parenting" to her adoptive parents.  You must be very strong to do that and I think it's amazing that you had her best interests at heart.

Answer 19

Dark

   You do not need anyone...including us on Y!A to validate the role you play in your child's life.

Answer 20

By all means, you are a parent, you're a mom... and a good one at that.  You made a totally selfless decision to put your little gal up for adoption, and what's wonderful is that it's an open one, you are able to be a part of her life.  You gave her life, you made it possible for her to have a life and give her a chance.  

Please be kind to yourself, don't ever think that you are a bad mother.  A bad mother would be one who is completely neglecting her child, one who doesn't have a care in the world towards her child.  You are seeing to it that your daughter is being cared for, not only by you but by another set of parents.  THAT is a good parent!

Answer 21

You are a very good parent.  You will always be a parent.  The adoptive parents are parents as well.  Your child is lucky to have two sets who love her very much.    

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Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)

par·ent      -noun

1. a father or a mother.  

2. an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor.  

3. a source, origin, or cause.  

4. a protector or guardian.  

5. Biology. any organism that produces or generates another.  

6. Physics. the first nuclide in a radioactive series.  

–adjective 7. being the original source: a parent organization.  

8. Biology. pertaining to an organism, cell, or complex molecular structure that generates or produces another: parent cell; parent DNA.  

–verb (used with object) 9. to be or act as parent of: to parent children with both love and discipline.  

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)

Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Answer 22

You will always be her mother.

I am glad you are in her life so often, I hope your arrangement continues!

If you let anyone go, it should be the people who suggest this nonsense.

Good Luck!

Answer 23

You are a mother and don't have to justify your decision to ANYONE!