Am i over reacting to my in-laws?

Question

It all started after my husband and had our baby (his parents first grandchild).

Im sitting on the couch playing with my 7 month old, and his mother grabs my son from me because she thinks that he is gunna fall off the couch. My initial thought was, what are u doing? She is always trying to take him away from me when he's fussy, or she gets her husband to. She is constantly making me feel like im a bad mother and that she can do things better than me. I confront my husband about it and to discuss it with his mother, and he claims he completly "forgot" to. He is never standing up for me, he is always hiding and never saying anything. Should i confront his mother or should i just leave things? I feel like if she does or says something about my mothering skills im just gunna let her have it! And i dont want to ruin our relationship.

She is always out buying things that we already have (better and more expensive for our son) I just feel like nothing is good for our son unless his parents buy it for us or give us the ok.

I tell my husband everything, and then not even 10 minutes later hes on the phone discussing our issues with his parents, EVERYDAY!

What should i do?

Answer 1

You need to decide if  this is something that you NEED to confront her about.  Let's say that she's only there for a short time... like a short visit... or she lives far away.... do you NEED to confront her since she'll be gone at some point?  Or do you see her everyday... does she live in the same town?  IF that's the case, than you NEED to take up the mantle and confront her yourself.  No offense to your husband...he didn't "forget" to talk to his mother... he's afraid to offend her.  

I would just be very calm about it.  Say "I don't appreciate you taking my child away from me like that"... or ask her if she's afraid you aren't watching your child well enough.  I bet she'd one of those take charge kinda people and she probably doesn't realize that she's doing it to you.  And since you weren't raised by her, this is new... whereas for your husband, its almost expected.

Hope that helps... good luck and God bless.  And congrats on the baby!

Answer 2

YOur husband needs to understand that he married you and needs to put you first. I was in a similar situation as yours. You need distance. It helps. In-laws can always find things that you are not doing right (but your parents see everything you are doing right ...ironic). They are nit-picky and who cares. You have to learn to brush it off. Keep you and your baby distant from them and when she see your son, she will learn to enjoy the time she has with him than attack you.

Now your husband needs top do some maturing. He is ruining your marriage. He needs to stick up for you. That means no more being a mama's boy. Sit him down and tell him to grow up.

P.S. Snapping on her will make you feel better (trust me I know) but his family will loathe you for it. But with the in-laws, its about being civil not making new buddies. They are loyal to e/o and NOT you. That's what your family is for. Good luck.

Answer 3

let things be. the important is that you are not living under one roof with your in-laws. sometimes you might feel hatred against them but if only you will think the situation the other way around, you will feel differently as well. if they are your real parents you surely will not react that much. try to understand them and be open minded. i'm sure they are not that bad. you can feel it when the situation is really. really bad.on the other hand , i know that dealing with in-laws is really troublesome. but what can we do? they are your husband's family. so just try to act as mature woman so as to avoid misunderstanding.

Answer 4

Read the book, why men lie and women cry. It speaks about the other woman - HIS MOTHER! It has great pointers and should be able to advise you what to do.

Your husband needs to set some boundaries.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Answer 5

Obviously your husband isn't going to do it, so you need to before you DO explode.  Just tell her that you understand and appreciate all the things that she does trying to be a good grandparent, but CALMLY explain to her that this is your child, and you and your husband think you are doing a great job.  That's wonderful that they want to be a part of your lives, so I wouldn't do anything to disrupt that, just ask HER how she would feel if the same were done to her, and then see what her reaction is.  Also, I would sit my husband down again and explain to him that you are the two that are married, and that you do NOT like it when he runs straight to his parents and tells them every detail of your lives.  Ask him how he's going to feel when you start shutting down and are unable to talk to him about your relationship because you know it's going to go straight to the in laws.  If you handle it this way, surely things will improve.  If they continue to do the gift thing, just ask for the receipt next time and say "that was really thoughtful, but we already have that and I'm sure I could exchange it for something that we don't have that we could really use with the baby."  Kill them with kindness and don't let them bring you down.

Answer 6

Distance yourself from them. When they buy duplicate items, ("better things") that you already have , say "thanks, but I already have one". As to taking the baby away from you, it`s time for you to put your foot down. Don`t worry about ruining the relationship with your in laws, they are trying to ruin yours as you speak. It is a controlling move, she is telling your hubby that you are an inexperienced mother, and that she needs to intervene, and he believes her, whether or not that is the case. Stand up for your rights. Tell your husband you will not accept this type of treatment   and that he needs to tell his mother to back off if you 2 are to have a successful marriage. If he won`t do it, do it yourself. Tell her you don`t appreciate her demonstrating to your baby any negativity at all, and if need be, you will visit less to protect the emotional growth of the child.  

Answer 7

Sometimes grandparents think that just because they have already raised kids, they know everything. Yes, they may be more experienced but they had to learn the same way you will, by doing. I would gently remind them that this is your child and that they have already raised theirs. Even though you may not be doing things the way they did, you love your child and are going to raise him in your own way. As for the spoiling, it's a grandparent thing but it can get out of hand. You have to let them know that you are in charge even if your husband won't. He may never stand up to them so you will have to in order to keep things in perspective. If you don't get control here it's only going to get worse down the road. Be the parent and let them know that everyone has a role in your child's life and theirs are to be the grandparents not the parents..

Answer 8

you need to talk to both of them and make the situation clear on how you feel but like i said make sure they are both present

Answer 9

I'm sure it will die down in time but you might have to stand your ground and say something to them so they will back off a little, looks like your husband wont do it so its up to you.  try talking calmly to her and tell her how you feel.  She is just over joyed and over protective because its their first grand baby, consider yourself lucky, some grand parents don't care at all or only care very little.

Answer 10

Marriage counselling.  The problem isn't the in laws (although his mom should be shot) the problem is your husband.  But you know that already, don't you?

He should always stand up for you, and should never be going to mom with his problems.  Tell him plainly:  we need to go to see a marriage counsellor.  In the mean time, if you don't tell your mother to treat me with the respect I deserve, I WILL TELL HER and it won't be pretty.

This is your child.  You (along with your husband) decide what is best, not your in laws.

Try to keep your temper, because grandparents are a blessing for your child (even if they seem like a bane to you).  

If none of this works, do you have parents that can come help out?  I mean, would your mother be game to stand up in front of your mother in law and take the baby from her and give him/her back to you?  It might take that kind of drastic behaviour to get her to see just how messed up her actions are.  She may not realize how you (and the rest of the world) sees her actions.  This is your husband's job: to teach his mom to treat you better, and to help you see things from her side.  But this "forgetting" business is really pathetic.

Really, get some outside arbitration and stand up for yourself in the meantime.  The longer you let it go on, the worse it's going to get.

Good luck.

Answer 11

Some grandparents do that they think because it is your first child you don't know any better I would talk to her but try to be polite remind her that at one point she was a first time mother and like her you have instincts and know what is best for your child.

Answer 12

Your husband needs to cut the apron strings.  

I would tell your husband what is going on and tell him if he does not do or say something you will.  Don't let him talk you out of it either.  You are the babies Mother and that is that.

Note I was never a fan of getting married and living close to home for this reason.

Answer 13

Nip this in the bud, my boyfriend is just like your husband. He will never stick up for me so I have to stick up for myself. Chances are she has controlled your husband emotionally all his life and thinks she can do the same with you. You have to tell her enough is enough, I'm sure when your son is older he would say he rather had the best his mother could give than that of his Grandmother. And yes, grandparents are there to spoil their grandchildren but not to the degree that they undermine you and your husband and think their love is more important than yours. Trust me, next time she's around ask your husband to take your son out to the park or something, he will be supporting you in her eyes by doing this even if it wasn't his intention and tell her how you feel. Explain you don't want a family fued to erupt from holding feelings in and therefore you are being straight with her. Tell her you don't feel comfortable with her taking over this vital time for bonding with your child and you would rather she didn't spend so much on your child unless it's a special occasion. We all go goo-goo when a baby arrives but at the end of the day it is a special time for parent and baby(and nobody else).

Good luck, I know from experience though that if you do nothing it will tear away at you until you won't want to be in the same room as her.

Hope this helps

Answer 14

the thing here is...if this is bothering you this much, you should discuss it with her, in a calm and logical way.  don't scream, accuse, or antagonize.  however, what you have to ask yourself is, do you want results, or do you want to be right.  if this isn't that big of a deal to you, you might want to just let this go for the sake of not causing world war 3.  this is their first grandchild, so the situation might resolve itself on its own if you don't make a big deal out of it.

as for your husband.  he really should be discussing this with his mother, as it's more his place than yours.  however, it sounds as if you married a mama's boy.  that being the case, try to be patient with him.  his saying "i forgot to discuss it" is hogwash, and he isn't bringing it up with her because he doesn't want to.  do realize that it's not so easy to tell your own parents to back off, as it would be to in-laws.  

Answer 15

WELL I'M A MOM OF 3. MY HUSBANDS FATHER AND MOTHER ARE DIVORCED. HIS DAD GOT REMARRIED SO I HAVE 2 MOTHER N LAWS..LOL THE STEP MOTHER N LAW IS THE SAME WAY. SHE USE TO TELL MY KIDS WHEN THEY WERE SMALL COME HER TO "DUCHESS" GET AWAY FROM THAT OL UGLY MOMMA... WHEN SHE FIRST SAID THAT I WAS LIKE UMMM DID I JUST HEAR THAT RIGHT..LOL I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING THAT TIME THEN A COUPLE OF MONTHS WENT BY AND WE WENT TO VISIT AGAIN AND SHE SAID IT AGAIN. I TOLD MY HUSBAND AND HE JUST SHRUGGED IT OFF...SO I WAS LIKE I CAN'T HAVE THIS LADY SAY THIS TO MY KIDS..SO I TOLD HER HOW I FELT. THAT I THOUGHT THAT WAS RUDE AND MY KIDS DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR HER SAY THAT.. SHE SAID OK SORRY... MY POINT TO THIS STORY IS IF YOUR HUSBAND ISN'T GOING TO STAND UP FOR YOU THEN STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! IN THE LONG RUN YOU WILL FEEL BETTER.  

Answer 16

Confront her and tell her what you told us.  Better out then in Shrek always says.  I am always up for helpful criticism, but I would not take what they are doing to you.  

Answer 17

Talk to her about it but be civil. If you explode on her, she'll have something to throw against you if it doesn't go over well. Stay calm and be the mature one.  

Answer 18

I swear, if i was living your life... when my in laws walked in i would put my child in a pram and take a nice stroll. Look, you don't have to put up with that.... you have choices..... and body language is everything. Just make yourself happy, take your child and I'm sure you'll get your point across.