An edited version of one of my poems. Did I make it better?

Question

Memory

Just an image

within your

head. So

significant, who knows

why?

Without these, what

are we?

Remnants of

humans,

no conscience or

soul. We

cannot have

those

without being taught

by your

past

mistakes.

If

never forgotten, always

treasured,

you will never

lose your hold on

the world.

You

cannot be forgotten

when you

yourself

never forget.

I guess I didn't edit it that much, but I couldn't think of anything else to change.

Answer 1

Instead of the words displayed like that make staminas (like paragraphs.Also repition (repeat the main line). makes the point get across more.But over all it is veru good.

Answer 2

I think you should put "we cannot have those without being taught by Their past mistakes." instead of "we cannot have those without being taught by Your past mistakes." but that's some good stuff, you should consider getting it published!  

Answer 3

not a very inspiring poem

no strong emotions

desperate need of better diction

Answer 4

i like it.

Answer 5

This is very good. your perspective on this matter is great

Answer 6

It's good.

But it makes me feel sorry for patients with Alzheimer's

Answer 7

Wow, that was amazing. The editing you did was really worth it because that poem really spoke to me.

Answer 8

I think that it is a very pretty and interesting poem.

I like very much

Answer 9

I like it! It's deep without going over the top.

Answer 10

yea its gud

Answer 11

i like it YES

Answer 12

Don't pay any attention to Tyler's critical piffle. His opinions, to me, are rubbish. This poem is far from dull. It is bland in a contingent way. And in that way it is potent, and colossal. You can't read anything with this philosophical value and expect it to turn out as magically delicious tid-bit. Get real dude, this isn't a fantasy writing, and it does not need to offer any abstract qualities. It is boldly honest and centered around intelligent logic.

Not all the time, but sometimes I can relate to the thoughts bread in this poem. When you spend much time alone, the memory of your self is as imperishable as stone. People can forget us, but we ourselves, with the rise of self-conscious, or a look in the mirror,  forget not what is self. Often we do ask our self's why it is that memory of self has been given to us humans? That is why this poem is so grand.

I pass bikers on the road all the time, with a quick flick of the wrist, they are forgotten. As senstive, and sympathic as I can be, I can't remember somepeople's names, or what they told me two days ago, about their pet pooping on thier brand-new carpet, but they sure do. Everyone wants to have themselves remembered, and there is no greater memory of self, than the self's memory of self. (?? Double take).

I think the message in this version of the poem is more steadfeast, more effective, and easier to understand than in the unrevised one.

I think you need a pronoun after that big "IF". I also think you should bring in some more light on this subject, because it is based around a point that is staggering for those people who don't really understand what consciousness is.

My favorite part of this poem was about the significance of the image inside your head. Thought provoking.

I give this revise

a

8.8/10

Not a 9 or ten, because I just have this thing for longer, and different strucured lines, and (like I wrote in the other answer and in this already), you need to elicit on some more info that is germane.



Solid message.

  

Answer 13

Very dull, with little natural flow, a very very unengaging piece of trite nonsenses to be honest. badly lacks meaning, diction and direction.