An excerpt from a novel I have been working on....?

Question

Opinions please, mostly on the prose of the work and if the story grabs your attention. Negative and positive, and completely honest, feedback wanted. It's a fairly short piece. I didn't want to bore you or take up too much of your time. Thank you.

The children had asked Edgar if they could take Daniel down to the creek. Edgar had said no. The violence and maleficent insistence in his voice had made Baby Dean cry. Caroline had shied away, her brother cuddled in her arms. Susie had stood her ground, looking into his eyes, challenging him. The bravery of the little girl shocked Edgar. To blow the situation over, he suggested they take Daniel into the pasture and fiddle around as long as they were home for dinner. This seemed to ease the tension, but Edgar didn’t trust the fervency in the little girl’s face.

Early evening is settling in. With shovel in hand, Edgar digs into the soil around a big rock in the backyard that had been brought to his attention by Caroline earlier in the day. Anything laborious to take his mind off the fearless little girl. Even the cold sweat can’t occupy his thoughts. An image of Susie Ashgrove, shoulders hunched, ready to protect her younger siblings, stabs into his brain, a hot knife cutting through a man’s courage.

“Hello,” a voice calls.

Edgar hurries to the front of the house, shovel at his side. A short, slim black man holding the reins of a large brown horse greets him with a wave. “Mr. Tinsley?”

“That’s me.”

“Name’s Bobby.” They shake hands.

“What can I do for you, Bobby?”

“I’m on my way to St. Louis. Meetin up with some family there. I heard from the old man up the road you do blacksmith work. This true?”

“Yes it is.”

“My horse here could use some shoes, I’m afraid the condition of his feet ain’t so good.”

“Follow me. If we’re lucky, I can fit some that I already have made up. I’ll even shoe him myself. For a small extra fee, of course.”

“Of course.”

*

Stanley stations himself in a chair next to the window. He watches as Edgar hurries out of view. Moments later, he can see Edgar leading a black man to the stable on the far side of the backyard. Adrenaline pumping, mind racing, Stanley decides he must act now. He lifts the chair, takes a few steps back, and launches it into the window. Shards of glass sprinkle the ground. The chair bounces once, end over end, breaking into smaller chunks of wood.

“Help!” Stanley screams. “Up here! Help!”

*

“I feel like I’ve been around these parts before,” Bobby says. “My father and I traveled that road many times when I was younger.”

Before Edgar can tell the man he looks familiar, a smashing noise resonates from a second story window of the house. Glass particles and a piece of furniture fly through the air and fall into the yard. Edgar’s fingers tighten around the shovel.

“What the hell…”

The back of the shovel connects with Bobby’s jaw, Edgar taking a homerun swing at the man’s head. A tooth shoots from his mouth. He goes down on his back, limp, blood gushing from a slash in his cheek.

Edgar peers up at the window and sees Stanley peeking out. Their eyes meet. They stare for a moment. Stanley watches in horror as Edgar drags the body into the barn and his only chance of survival fades away.

Answer 1

     I'm not sure where Stanley fits in, nor why he swings his shovel at Bobby.  I think a little more explanation's called for here.  It's certainly well written and I think there's a lot of promise here.  Might be an idea to end the paragraph with...Stanley decides he must act now.

     Then go to new paragraph

     Before Edgar can tell the man he looks familiar.

     The problem is that when Bobby says "I feel like I've been round these parts before,"  some of the tension's lost as the chair flies through the window.

Just an idea.  Hope it helps.

Good luck

Mike B