An old friend wants to know shud he and how to tell his adult child that he was adopted at birth.?

Question

In the family and culture of the country, the mother refused to allow the husband to tell the child that he was adopted. Now the mother is dead, the child is 30 yo and married, and the father wants to tell the truth, but fears it will be devastating to the somewhat unstable personality of the now adult child. It is a mystery that the child never learned on their own, but should they have to wait until the father dies to learn the truth?

Or, is the father just being selfish and trying to take care of his imagined guilt by blabbing.

Answer 1

people are so rude on here last time i checked this wasnt a school so it shouldnt matter how people spell if you know what they mean then get over it

I think that it is up to you to tell him or not if i was adopted i would want to know but then again i would probaly be a little hurt and confused about the situation like i said if you feel in your heart he should know then tell him but it is gonna hurt him and if you dont want to hurt him then keep it a secret and why does the father want to tell him now after 30 years

Answer 2

If he plans to tell him, he should do it in a tranquil setting, Let him know the reason why he didn't tell (however true it is) You say the son has an unstable personality ???? If the son is married he can turn to his wife for support. The father should also have information available for the son too. I am sure he will have lots of questions ...

Answer 3

the father needs to hurry and tell the child

if the child finds out from someone else first they're just going to be more upset

Answer 4

He should have told a long long time ago and blaming the deceased mother of the 'child' is quite cowardly of him IMO

I'm sure the adult child will not be entirely shocked or surprised and probably knows something is amiss anyways.  Either way, the damage is already done and he will be 'found out' in any event.

Better to tell now and be brave enough to face the consequences than to leave it until after the father dies when the 'child' will struggle twice as much because he won't be able to confront his father.

Bottom line?  come clean asap

Sugapie the singer was DMC and he comtemplated suicide when he found out

Answer 5

This is something that the son needs to know as soon as possible.  Finding out something like this without any support from the family around him, should they die prior to knowledge is devastating.  As a parent, he owes this honesty with his son.

There are many sites and articles on the web regarding Late Discovery Adoptee's (LDA's).  I suggest the father and son both read these articles.

Answer 6

he has the right to know that he is an dopted child. he is old enough to act immature on the fact that he is an adopted child. probably, he should be proup of his parents having the courage to brought him up uprightly. he was shield with love and care by his foster parents and he should be thankful for it.

he deserves the truth of his personality. to avoid blames in the future, tell him now the truth... it shall set him free from worries.

Answer 7

Yes, he needs to know! For medical reasons and his children have the right to know...... I am adopted when you know it answers so many questions....His adopted father also needs to tell him all he knows about  the adoption and his birth family. The father should have thought about the deviation years ago......It never surprises me how husbands pick the wrong times to back there wife's.....he should have stood up to her when she was a live and told his son from day one...then it would not have been a lie all these years

Answer 8

This child should of been told many years ago,yes he should be told now,but he is going to devastated when told the truth and to know that all these years his life has been a lie.

Please becareful when telling him as it really screws your mind up,i got told at a very young age ao i grew up with knowing this poor soul is gonna feel like a big bomb has gone off in his life,just make sure that he is told everything that is known about the birth family if he wants to know,make sure that someone is there for him every time he needs to talk as he will want to do alot of talking.

Please Please make sure the father tells him NOW.

Answer 9

yes he should have told him long time ago. this is very sad yes it will be shattering but he has to be told and now that son will want to know how to find his birth parents i hope he(your firend) has some stuff for him already. i would hatet to think he'd wait till he dies to tell his son. i mean this is something that should have been told him long time ago. then it wouldn't have been a big deal . good luck

Answer 10

the father NEEDS to tell his son. it is going to be hard but it is so necessary. i remember seeing on tv i think it was on vh1 some singer was going through the same thing. he found out he was adopted when he was older. it is called my adoption journey but idk who the singer was sorry. maybe u want to watch that.

Answer 11

This is a very sad situation.  As the mother of five adopted children (from birth), now adults I cannot stress enough why it is so important to let the child, at a very young age, that they are adopted.   Adopted children are very special because

they were "picked" by their parents.  The minutes I held my first child in my arms, that child was my baby, and he/she felt that all their lives.   I would feel, personally, and I am not saying that I am right, that the father should tell the adult child now, that he was adopted, but that his mother refused to let anyone tell him that he was adopted.   If the father dies, the adult man will be so angry that I feel that it will do him emotional harm, even without the parents being there.  With the father still here, they can discuss, talk, disagree, agree, whatever, but at least they will be talking about it.

Answer 12

He needs to tell his son, immediately.

I'd suggest that he research some source of support for his son, too. There are adoptee groups on the Internet where his son can go to get some peer support; and there are a FEW therapists across the nation who are trained/educated specifically on adoption issues. (And if there are none of those available in his area, he should research other therapists and do his best to find a GOOD one, one who will understand the magnitude of this.) The father, IMO, ought to have some of these sources available to refer his son to when he tells... because this man (the adoptee) is going to need a TON of support after this revelation.

Also, no one seems to have mentioned this, so I will... but apart from the emotional need of adoptees to know the truth... there is also the issue of medical history. So far, this man thinks his (adoptive) parents' medical history applies to him, when in fact it doesn't. That is HUGE. He needs to know immediately that his medical history is unknown (or if the father knows any of it, he needs to tell that info to his son). In this day and age, I cannot believe people think it's okay to let their children progress through life thinking they have one family medical history when in fact they have another. OMG.

Yes, yes, yes... cannot stress this enough.... this man NEEDS to be told he's adopted.

Answer 13

Well, the family should of told him as he was growing up but they didn't so maybe the father can do it in a way that will make it easy on the child.  Maybe take him out to do something he really likes to do and talk about life and whatnot with his adult child.  Like take him fishing and do some bonding and bring it up in a sensitive and loving way.  Saying he always wanted to tell his son, but he didn't want to cause any conflict in the family between his mother and himself.  He should tell his adult child how much he loves him and that he will always love him knowmatter what.  He should say that he understands if he is upset and he will try to awnser any questions he has.  Let him know he will be here for him in every way, even if that means helping him learn who his bio father is.  Let him know that he wanted to be the one to tell him.  Knowmatter how the child acts stay calm and loving and undertanding.  KNowmatter what.  Later the adult child will calm down and talk about it more.  If you need more info ask a councelor for help on what to say.  Good luck and God bless.

Answer 14

Yeah, the guy probably is going to be very hurt and confused and feel betrayed and lied to, well, because he was betrayed and lied to. Children should be told their stories from day 1, adding more detail as the child grows older. Kids/adults should never have to find out they're adopted, they should always know!

Whatever anger and resentment the adopted man has, well, his dad deserves it for lying to him all these years and he's going to have to just suck it up and deal with it. I agree with Heather that its going to be SOOO much worse if he finds out after his father dies, not only because he can't confront him, but also because his father is probably the only person left who can answer his questions and maybe give him some information about his first parents and why he was adopted.

Answer 15

what is shud?? i cant find it in the dictionary.

he should tell his "son" and stop being a liar.

Answer 16

He should tell him. It is the son's right to know. It has always been his right to know, but better late than never.

It probably will be hard for his son to hear, at 30, and he may well feel betrayed. But it may be that later this knowledge will help some things fall into place for him, and be good for his mental health in the long run.  

The father may want to talk to a counselor/therapist first (possibly his son's counselor if he has one), to get guidance on how to tell and to have resources to direct the son to after he tells him. If it could be worked out, it might be good to tell the son with a counselor there, though arranging that might be too hard.

I wish them both good luck, strength, and happiness.

-an adoptive mom