And this wierd poem i wrote ages ago aswell?

Question

when i fall eternally, foreverly asleep will you wake me?

or will i find you waiting for me amongst my sweetest dreams?

are you that guy whos made for me, my one red string in love?

or are you another hopeless cost who tears my world apart?

do you think of only me, when you're in bed alone?

or are you out their flirting with every girl you know?

will our strings of love entwine and never break apart?

or will they mingle a lttle while, utill you break my heart?

are you the one im looking for, are you the one that ends my search?

or will you just be another one who strands me on this earth?

if you find me standing here, all alone and lost,

will you be there to hold my hand help me find my way?

and if you find me crying out my sorrows and my woes,

will you be there to tell me i am beautiful with tears?

but if you hurt me after all we've gone and done,

i promise i will hurt you till your guts spill on the ground.

Answer 1

you want loyalty.so do i...all good things come from it.

Answer 2

This poem shows great feeling and the only thing I think doesn't quite go with it is when you seemed to get angry and wrote the line "I promise I will hurt you till your guts spill on the ground." Before this it was a slightly sad poem that had me hungry for more, but I have to say that the violence nearer to the end didn't seem to go with the rest of it. It didn't seem as poetic, more like an afraid girlfriend yelling at her boyfriend after watching him flirt. I think if there is anyway for you to make that more poetic, this would be awesome. And I don't want you to change your style... just a suggestion, that's how I felt as a reader. You've got great potential. Oh, and about the second part, I do like it, but it has the same unpoetical beginning. Other than those few lines, this poem was amazing!!! It made me want to go write one myself :-) Good luck in the future!

Answer 3

I love it. Bloody brilliant! So evocative and the imagery? Wow! Wonderful work...thank you for sharing!