Annual Family BBQ Dilemma

Question

My niece has an annual family BBQ which is coming up this weekend. My boyfriend of 10 years came with me last year and my niece told him then "you should of brought your kids". (he has 2 teen aged daughters). So this year I invited them and they said yes. My boyfriend already put in for the day off because he works weekends (will also lose a day's pay I might ad). So I e-mail my niece and tell her we are bringing his daughters and she tells me "no, I can't handle anymore people right now, please tell him I am sorry". Well, he was at my house when I read the e-mail and I could tell that he was very hurt. Now he says that he don't think he is going. If he doesn't go, then I will need to get a ride with another family member and all the cars are already going to be full. I feel bad that he already put in for a day off and won't get paid. I have not e-mailed my niece back and even if she changes her mind and says "yes" now, my boyfriend still won't go. What should I do? Should I be spiteful and stay home with him too?

Answer 1

First, you should have cleared inviting the daughters with your niece before you invited them--what was said last year doesn't necessarily apply all the time.  However, at this point I'd call your niece and say that although you'd love to come, your boyfriend and his daughters are part of you life and you won't attend without them, and by now you have made alternate plans with them.  Maybe next time she'll have your own family situation straight.  Then call your sister in Mayrland and your niece to see when you can get together with them during their visit--not at the family gathering.  You can explain that your niece has made it clear that your boyfriend's kids, which are part of your family, are not welcome you feel you cannot go to the family party but you still want to see them (either with or without the rest of the family).  Make alternate arrangements (invite them over to your place for a barbecue, meet them at some restaurant, etc.).

Answer 2

I would send your regrets to your niece and plan to do something special with your boyfriend and his daughters.  It will be too bad that you will miss seeing some of your family, but your boyfriend's feelings would probably be even more hurt if you went.  

Answer 3

I say don't go. I think it will hurt him if you choose to go. Stay at home with him, and do something...the four of you. They are a part of your family especially if this is a long relationship. It is not like they are adults they are teenagers. So they should be invited even if there are too many people already. So just decline the invite from your niece.  

Answer 4

I would email my niece back reminding her that she invited them last year to come and let her know you won't be able to make it this year, for the obvious reasons.  

Answer 5

I'm on his side.

After that turn-around attitude on the part of your niece, I think

I would do the same thing and refuse to go.

Shame on her.

You should go without him- and give her a serious

case of the guilts. Make sure she knows why he's not

there.

Answer 6

How hard would it have been for her to add 2 people to the party?  Your niece is a clod....you should remind her that she indicated that he should have brought his daughters at last year's party and you acted on that when you invited them.  I think I would go anyway because apparently there will be more people there than your niece and you shouldn't miss out on seeing them but your boyfriend has every right to be angry and he should refuse to go...too bad he's losing that money because he took a day off.  

Answer 7

This is what I would do, but I am no expert, it is just how I would react. You should e-mail the niece and tell her that you didn't want to cause any problems, but she DID invite the girls last year, and if there was to be a limit on how many people could come, then she should have mentioned this at the outset. Tell her that this has caused some hurt feelings and that you really don't feel like you will be able to attend the bar-b-q. Also, since your boyfriend did get the day off, why not make a day of it and do something with him and the girls? Maybe stop in to the bar-b-q for a minute and see the relatives that haven't seen you in a while, but just tell them there was a problem with your attending and that you want to be able to get together with them before they leave to go back home, and set up a get-together of your own. Then just go on with your day and be happy. There shouldn't have been any problem with you bringing your boyfriend and his girls, if you were married then you would have attended as a family, so she was not right in making this kind of exception.

Answer 8

You should not go, since your bf took the day off AND invited his kids (at the request of your niece I might add) you guys should do something else together.  You are after all a family and if all can't go no one should.  Send your regrets to your family and make sure your niece knows why you have changed your mind about coming (her response was rude after all whether she intended that way or not).

Answer 9

If it were me, I would stay home with my boyfriend -- not out of spite, but to at least do something special with him since he has taken the day off, without pay.

You have plenty of time to plan a barbeque with your boyfriend and his daughters.  And if anybody asks, just tell them the truth -- not out of spite, but honestly.

By the way, if your niece changes her mind, and your boyfriend still decides not to go, it's not out of spite, it's because his feelings are hurt.  That is understandable.  In that situation, my feelings would be hurt, too.  I wouldn't go either.  And I would really like it if my special someone stayed with me and spent the day with me .... just because they wanted to.

Answer 10

What I think happened is a lack of communication.  You were going on the strength of what your niece said "last year".  You should have communicated with her for this year's event.  You should have 'asked' her if bringing your boyfriend's daughters was permissible for THIS year's event.  It's unfortunate, but many times people open their mouths and commit to things that might be for the moment.  What I would do is call your niece and let her know that you were going on what she mentioned last year and now everybody's feelings are caught up.  It would take some doing, but you can explain to your boyfriend and his daughter's that there was a HUGE LACK OF COMMUNICATION and you jumped the gun with the invitation BEFORE you actually consulted your niece about THIS YEAR.  You should go - but I would stay for a short time and make some plans with my boyfriend and his daughters for later.  It's something that happens, but you can try to remedy the situation as best you can.  Don't get angry with anyone- it happens.  

Answer 11

Let me offer some insight here.

Your niece said that he should have invited them LAST year, but she may have just said it out of politeness. I find that statement of hers just a bit cliched, kind of like the "we should get together sometime" which is just being polite but not really indicating you SHOULD get together. Plus, this was said ONE YEAR AGO. What are the chances that she remembered?

By no means am I condoning her behavior. But did you ask her FIRST if your boyfriend and his kids could come along? Perhaps the food costs and space became too much for her this year (with a slumping economy). You may not think extra people aren't much, but at the prices the food is at, she may have had to get another 12 pack of cokes to accomodate 2 more people. Same goes with the meat.

I don't think she meant to hurt you or your boyfriend nor do I think she was being a mean spirted person. I also don't think she has anything against him or his kids at all. She probably said no, thinking you hadn't already made plans. Had she known, perhaps she would have made some effort to invite them or at least try to sound a bit more sympathetic. But again, she probably thought you had not invited them yet.

It doesn't do you good to be spiteful and fight back - like I said, I don't think she was being mean-spirted. But do email her and let her know that your boyfriend and his kids had already made plans and because they have the day off, you'd like to spend it with him so that he won't feel it was wasted.  Wish her luck at the BBQ. If she changes her mind, then embrace it and go. Please don't think that she meant to make your boyfriend and his kids feel unwelcome - I think it's all a matter of miscommunication!

Edit: You and your boyfriend are not married or engaged, so I'd consider your sisters more family at this point. Go to the BBQ out of obligation for a short while, but then leave to be with your boyfriend. Family comes before anyone else.