Another Poem/Song thingy?

Question

The day I saw your eyes

Was the day my heart told lies

It said that day i’d be with you

But that wish was just a myth

In my deeply poisoned mind

I Wrap myself within your arms

They take me to a place

I thought I’d never see

So it’s time to give up hope

So it’s time to lead my life

But i know your heart will always be with mine

So i’ll sing this song today

And remember the look upon your eyes

The look that said you loved me

But you’ve got another life

Maybe someday I’ll see you once again

And I’ll think how great it was to be with you

But then I realised when you walked right out that door

My life became so lost

Though I had to keep on living anyway

So it’s time to keep on hoping

So it’s time to keep on going

‘Cos I’m still alive right now

With you here by my side

Or alone in this little world of mine

©copyrigth 2008 x]

Answer 1

You sound lonely.

Answer 2

Salright

^ the new fizzdude sucks :/ he dosnt even take craps

Answer 3

Very beautiful and soul searching, it shows Youth, and Great expectations. Some times Life is Cruel.

Good Luck.xxxx

Answer 4

Lol vvv

Answer 5

No, I didn't like it. I didn't get it, it was very disjointed

Answer 6

seems cool to me....

Answer 7

One thing to note:

I didn't get your rhyming, If you have difficulty finding SENSIBLE rhymes, write in free verse.

Your first quatrain starts with a cliche expression and that takes away all the appeal. the first line of your seconds stanza, "In my deeply poisoned mind" does not fit with the rest of what you said...why is your mind poisoned? Change that line.

The rest of your "Poem/song thingy" Is very direct and not done with any skill or artsy. I see no poetic techniques. So I won't call this a poem. Also, your theme is very unoriginal and cliche. I suggest you change your point of view.

Good luck :)

Lulle

Answer 8

its great