Another description? Vivid enough? Or should I work on it a bit more?

Question

To my surprise my uncle was standing there, I felt my breath snap back into my throat and by accident I gasped pretty loud.

I bowed straight away, staring at his army boots waiting for some sort of reaction…..Why was he wearing his military clothes, wasn’t that disrespectful? He could only wear that during a war, even if he was an ex-soldier. He let me stand there like a fool, I focused my eyes on the floor, I didn’t know where else to look. My back ached from being arched over so long, with all the bravery I could stir up I slowly raised, acting on impulse as usual. I never even thought I’d have to make contact with those eyes, and I was scared as I leisurely rose up. It was to late to bow back down.

I kept my eyes on the floor until I was standing up straight.

I couldn’t be rude, I flicked my eyes up quickly. I somehow found the courage to look up at his face. His face has always scared me; I often see his scarred ashen face in my nightmares. His long dark hair was greased back; a few strands of thin greasy hair fell on his face and bounced at nearly every action he made. His eyes were an intense grey; cold and unpleasant, they stared right through you, in certain light they looked near white. They always made the hairs at the back of my neck stand on end. Even his lips were colourless with a large scar cut across them; he never smiled and always wore the same emotionless look. Almost like Jamie…. Well he did smile, but to me it was more like a forced upturned frown. Silence still filled the room.

“Jack?”

His dark booming voice always kept a low tone. He had such a strange accent, a sector forty-six accent.

“Yes uncle?”

He looked noticed my hands were shaking; I tried to stop them and he chuckled. I watched him while he chuckled and saw that rare evil looking grin spread across his long thin face. His teeth were large and yellow, they all crossed over each other, they were sickening. I swallowed and cleared my throat, I couldn’t breathe well and I tried to hide it between clearing my throat. It may’ve still been obvious.

“Why are you and Jamie here so early? Are you waiting long?”

He looked displeased, I didn’t know why. His left, lazy, scarred eye shuddered as he glared at me. His thin lips frowned, what did I say?

I haven't much writtin about him because I'm only forty pages in.

Answer 1

Ooh, he sounds creepy! With the military clothes you've really captured the essence of the character (a mon avis)

Answer 2

This discription is very good It gave detail of his apearance and the reaction he gives off to the main character, which speaks a lot about his uncles personality

Answer 3

I loved it i was perfect and I can not wait to see the rest.