Another poem, but unfinished. Is it good?

Question

I

I stand by the murmuring sea

As it sleeps to the gentle breeze

The sun drifts low in a ruddy pool

Sinking below a shimmering line

The horizon being so smooth and fine

II

And lo! The velvet vault appears

Finely adorned with diamond glints

And o’er the silent grayish pool;

Is the nighttime sky that gleams

Bringing upon my drowsy dreams

III

I get swallowed by a whirling mist

A fog not descending from the skies

But arising from my own thoughts

It closes upon my dim figure

A small patch on the dream ridden shore

(to be continued...)

Answer 1

The three unrhymed lines followed by a couplet isn't working...it was a good experiment, but your ear, as well as some of the comments above, should confirm what you might have already suspected...it doesn't work very well.  You might get away with adding a line between the first and second that rhymes with the couplets, or by adding a line to the very beginning that rhymes with the couplets...if you really want to end with couplets.  Also, stanza three's slant rhyme is too weak to even pass as a rhyme when seen next to the previous two stanza's perfect rhymes.  Recommendation: rework it using a different rhyme scheme...but keep the images the same...they have a nice story line and the images are actually pretty good...it's just the form that hurt you this time.

....and keep writing

Answer 2

i gusse its ok.

Answer 3

oh, i can relate... was in that situation a week ago...

nicely said!

Answer 4

cooooooooooooooooooooooooool

Answer 5

i got into so much your words made me tired -enjoyed gj