Another poem, may I have your comments?

Question

Teardrops On My Cheeks

Teardrops on my cheeks

Like rain in rivulets

Upon my face flowing down

Reaching to the soul of me.

When did the clouds roll in?

When the storm first begin?

Who will dam up this flow

Or shall it yet unceasing grow?

These tears that stain my cheeks

Bitter sorrow yet bespeaks

Loneliness my soul besets

With the rain in rivulets.

My face drawn in a sad frown

Seems like some opera clown

Painted there a foil to be

Where such joy I used to see.

Why should I let it be so?

Shall I yet no gladness know?

Soon again my world will spin

Sunshine o'er th dark will win.

Reaching from the soul of me

Rising so as not to drown

The sun of joy that never sets

Shines in a rainbow on my cheeks.

©June 17, 2008 Albert K. Jungers All rights reserved

Answer 1

You have a delicate and sensitive touch, a fine artist. TD

Answer 2

It has a deep, haunting rhythm. For a non native speaker like me, "the soul of me" is particularly striking. It is — to me — much more refined than "my soul". It gives a gentle distance to your words, but does not preclude the emotion that flows throughout your poem.

EDIT: yes but....what about "the soul of me"???

Answer 3

Well penned and great meter to me as I read aloud.  Unfortunately I like parts of both offerings.  I did not like though the last stanza in the rewrite.  My compliments overall.

Answer 4

This is so much better than the other piece I commented... It flowed well,  words that connected well... its by far the best I've seen of your work and I enjoyed reading it.

I  do suggest one change... I think this works better at the end... or something like that, just a suggestion.

The joyful sun never sets;

rainbow cheeks never frown.

Answer 5

nice 8/10