Another poem: deep and meaningful? or blehhh?

Question

I Saw An Old Woman The Other Day

I saw an old woman the other day,

she walked with a bent posture,

her age had apparently outran her,

just like all the others.

I threw a glance her way,

Just another one, counting down their days I thought.

But then she raised her eyes,

and I looked into them,

Those piercing green eyes,

They tell a story; those eyes of hers,

Every speck of unconformity, every twitch of the pupil,

Her joy and sadness, among countless others I'd imagine,

The moment of her moments: a compilation of her stories.

I suddenly felt overwhelmed,

Beholding such a sight,

Its rattled my heart and trembled me inside.

I think I might've stared too long,

because her eyes smiled at mine,

as i become a part of her story,

and she, a part of mine.

Answer 1

Yeah pretty good. Just needs a little more editing/cleaning up.

Example: Just another one, counting down their days I thought

Maybe better: Just another one counting down her days ?

That's just a suggestion. There are a lot of other ways you can do things. But in that line, you used one and then their. So, if you use one, then you should use her. Grammar.

Answer 2

The first part almost just seems like you are telling a story, the second part feels like it is part of a rhyme scheme so it doesnt flow as well. I like the idea-I think the first part just needs to be cleaned up a bit

Wow thumbs down, for an opinion--ok

Answer 3

ive read a lot of peoms and that one moved me....its the best ive ever read. ur really good. make a poetry book and publish it!!!

Answer 4

That is amazing! I really loved it and I am a harsh critic. Check my past poetry answers if you don't believe me!

Answer 5

This is good writing.  Good, clear concept that you stuck to all the way through.  You have some really good lines and expose some powerful emotion.  That said, I really think you can tighten this and make the impact stronger.  You have a tendency to "overwrite" in some places.  "She walked with a bent posture."  That's an awkward way of saying "She walked bent" or, perhaps even better, you could make Line 2 "Bent, her age had outrun her."  I didn't like the "just like all the others" because I didn't think it was clear enough who the "others" were but mostly because I didn't think you should take the focus off of THAT old woman.   The "I thought" seems superfluous and I think, again, draws attention to the narrator (or you) when it needs to stay with her. Stanza 2 is the strongest part as it stands.  In Stanza 3 we have more extra words I think. I would have written it:

Overwhelmed to behold such a sight

it rattled my heart and...  ("trembled me" doesn't work for me. Maybe, "made me tremble" ? I don't know if or how you want to do that but I think it could be inproved.

Last stanza I really love except for that "I think" it starts with. It 's redundant with "I might've" because it's really saying the same thing again.  Remember, every word has to have a reason for being there in a poem..  Again, the last stanza (with that little exception) is great both in the idea and the telling.

Remember, critique is an opinion.  This is mine.  You may use it, lose it, or give it to Goodwill.

Answer 6

i loved the ending, it was beautiful :']

Answer 7

This poem is about the elderly

because walking bent over

is one sign.

However there is nothing wrong

with talking to them.

They can teach the young people what its

like to age.

As one day they will age too.

They can be a joy to be with

These people have stories

from way back when

Like the Pioneer era

Answer 8

I love this idea of how a chance passing of a stranger may shatter your ideas of what you thought you knew and break down barriers you never realized you had...

I've experienced this before, how a chance encounter with a stranger, or a fleeting smile, can affect you deeply and become a part of each others' story... thank you for this.

Answer 9

the ending is the sweetes thing i have ever heard:) but is it for ur gf, or something?