Another poem for your consideration, comments please?

Question

FLAME

The flame draws me and I

Swirl and whirl around it

Its colours dance in my eyes

Sing in my soul the warmth of life.

I become the flame

Draw others unto me

Catching fire as they draw near

They dance too

In light and sparks that fly

Caught by the wind

Carried with new life

To kindle other fires.

Am I the flame

That burns in them?

Burns it still as brightly

As when I was first drawn to it

Swirling and whirling the dance of life?

© December 15, 2007 Albert k. Jungers All rights reserved

Answer 1

I do like the couple of changes. Less is almost always better. This is a very strong piece.

Answer 2

"Hi!",

I really like this one of yours. Very picturesque. and expressed well.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 3

Very interesting and unique. I like it! Unique is good because it is rare and rare is always good. =]

Great job! I like ur style.

Poetry=♥

Answer 4

I like both versions. I read them both aloud, and found the second one had a more dramatic opening.

From what I read in your poems, that flame is still very much present in you.  

Answer 5

Lovely, my only suggestion, is that the first line... ending with I, breaks up the thought of the reader. Maybe move I to the next line. I do love the ending though, reads perfectly. As does almost the entire piece. Great. Stay strong.

Answer 6

I do not think a friend will mind if I quote something he once said to me. "This poem is heady...euphoric..."

He has an extraordinary way with words--and so do you.

EDIT: The first two lines are tighter; it was also fine as originally written. The change has been made in the files.