Another poem of mine, what do you think?

Question

Come to me,

My knight in shining armor

Rescue me,

Hide me from my own sins

For I have lost my mind,

And my mind yearns to be found

I beg for the delicate friend that is your hand

I wish for the wind to carry us away,

To a forbidden sanctuary that is reserved only for you and I

There is no solution to a difficult woman

But for you to take on the ferocious dragon that I am,

Is an act of bravery worthy of the gods

Forgive my depravity and covet the good that is in me

For in my mind, even one hundred starving men

Cannot take from me the feast that is our love

And if you deny me the forgiveness that I ask for,

I shall deny myself oxygen, let alone ambiance

For the light that shines in the distance,

Can only shine for so long

So,

So long my dear,

I will forever cherish Thee

And yet again I am to blame

For there certainly is one solution to a difficult woman

And it has blessed itself upon me

Answer 1

i read the first bit and almost fell asleep not to be mean or anything but it is kinda suckish and some rhyms or something...ya i didnt even finish reading cuz i got bored with it so try and add some details

hope i helped , good luck!

Answer 2

i think you should think of going into another profession

Answer 3

it sux

Answer 4

It's sounds good

don't listen to all those people whose telling you to rhyme

all poems don't have to rhyme

trust me I know.

Just write what you feel and it's a poem :]

Answer 5

I like it.

(:

Answer 6

very good

Answer 7

You show a lot of promise.  I loved the imagery.  

I'm sorry that you chose to leave off a title.  A title, after all, is an important part of any communication.

Although it shows you made a valiant effort, punctuation would have made the poem read so much easier. Imagine someone, me perhaps reading this for the first time and then, wanting to read it to anyone else.  That may help you improve.

It certainly was good, though.  Don't read this critique as punitive criticism but as active engagement because I enjoyed it so much.  

There are professional poets that could learn from you.

With writing like this and a future so bright I desire more from you and hope you never stop writing.

Answer 8

I think you should add some ryming words to it kinda then it would be more of a better poem.

Answer 9

You have potential.  Don't stop writing!  Some good imagery:  the dragon, the 100 starving men.  

But most of the poem is vague:  light in the distance...describe the light--does it glimmer like money or shine like the face of God?  

Talk more about your "sins" and why you need to be forgiven.  And my favorite part--the depravity.  Definitely talk more about that.  The way the speaker looks--disheveled?  Hungry?  Dirty?  Beastly?  Describe the depraved actions.  This is interesting.  Expand.

"For in my mind" is a qualifier.  Don't let your knight deny that the way you feel isn't also a tried and true fact.  Scratch this phrase out.

The "you and I" should be "you and me."  The improper grammar can work if your poem is filled with similar vernacular, but, in this case, it's distracting.

I assume the "difficult woman" is the speaker?  Expand on this, and explain it.  Right now, it's vague.

but I love the beautiful softness  and feeling of the poem...but I really wish for more contrast with the depravity.

And make the knight character more interesting and complex--as it stands now, "knight in shining Armour" is a cliche that may be a cop out for lack of description.

Overall, a pleasure.

Answer 10

It's nice, but not what I enjoy reading.

Very cliche.

Answer 11

its deep!

Answer 12

wow thats amazing.

you've got talent.