Another poem of mine, your thoughts?

Question

SENSUOUS SENSUAL OBSESSION

In wakeful sleep yielding.

The sounds of birds twittering,

Smells of spring's effulgence,

Warmth of summer's indulgence.

A honeyed finger traces

The golden velvet trail

Of hair to hidden places

Beneath and between warm fleshly folds

Whither salty sweetness dwells.

Boyish wonder, pulses' thunder,

Morning's milk and evening's sweat,

Gentle obsession in passion met,

Softness both and firmness there.

Taughtened muscles quiver,

Then relaxing shiver.

A rounded mouth now turns to kiss

And gently suck a bitten lip.

As a hand in added bliss,

Smoothly caresses his lover's hip.

© Albert K. Jungers. July 5, 2008 All Rights Reerved.

Answer 1

I couldn't give it a full rawr so you get a ra. It definitely is sensual, though not poetically exciting or arousing. It's ok.

Answer 2

Very beautiful and very sensual, to borrow a line from T.D., "this, boys and girls, is how to write a love poem"

Answer 3

I have little that I can add to what has already been said.  Definitely sensual.  Definitely nice.  Visual, but also appeals to other senses.

Answer 4

I agree with Kelseigh - cliched beginning and then on to the good stuff (intentional?)

It is a strange mixture of bang-up-to-date rawness, telling it like it is mingled with the language of the 19th Century.  It works, though.

I like this very much - have you considered short story writing?

Answer 5

Hou, hou, nice! (or should I say Oh la la!). The sound pattern is what makes it so sensual. I like the sensuous images too. Since you like Donne, I am not surprised...  

Answer 6

This is an elegant description of an act of love. Sensual, and loving, as the last three lines indicate. No turning away after the act is completed.

Passion and love combined in a way only humans can come together.

Answer 7

It started out cliche, but just as I was about to move on, the "golden velvet trail" sucked me in. I read the rest of it, and you had amazing imagery. I could see the ripple across the muscles as they tightened and relaxed, the texture of the lips moving to kiss, the edges of the cut on the bit lip, and the shine of the skin on her hip.

I'm not sure if this is what you were hoping that the reader would see, but I enjoyed it because it was so sensual.