Another poem/song...what do you think of it?

Question

This is another poem/song that I have written, I guess the poem/song says everything it needs to say. Please can I have your opinion on what you think of it and how it can be improved? Also does it relay to you as a reader what I feel?

Thank you in advance for all your answers.

Everything Reminds Me of You

I wake up in the morning

And the morning sun reminds me

Reminds me of your smile

The warmth of the sun reminds me

Reminds me of your love

Everything reminds me of you

Everything tells me that I need you

The birds and the bees

And the stars in the night sky

All tell me that I love you

As the birds start to sing

I am reminded of your sweet voice

As the scent of the flowers waft in the air

I remember your sweet aroma

I remember how much I love you

Everything reminds me of you

Everything tells me that I need you

The birds and the bees

And the stars in the night sky

All tell me that I love you

As the day goes by

Everything tells me that I need you

I hear your name being sung by the birds

I hear your name being hummed by the bees

And I am reminded how much I love you

Everything reminds me of you

Everything tells me that I need you

The birds and the bees

And the stars in the night sky

All tell me that I love you

As the sun beings to set

I am reminded of your beautiful face

I look up at the night sky

And the stars remind me of your sparkling eyes

And I know I love you so much

Everything reminds me of you

Everything tells me that I need you

The birds and the bees

And the stars in the night sky

All tell me that I love you

29/07/08

Written by Broken Heart ©

Copyright 2008

Answer 1

Some people cannot understand the difference between thing that sound right and those that sound stereotyped.

This is very good but quite how you sing it beats me unless you repeat each last line, but its very good.

Answer 2

I think it's very sad.  I feel your pain.

Answer 3

great song/poem

not very original though

this theme has been overdone so much

Answer 4

It's a great piece and needs to be rewritten with a little more umph you want the reader to not only feel your pain but live it.

When you have a piece with potential like that you want the reader to walk away with their heart in (hades). (It's another word for h**l)

I would work on the lines of bird's and bee's, And the stars in the night sky.

you want to implement them with the experience that she gave, To influence the loss of the soul that you once had and is now dead without her.

(A morning that is forever night, A sunset without no hue only darkness, You want something that weakens the being of mortal's,

You want death and dispair).

(But you want to incorperate it into the beauty that was once there though)

Example:

(I remember walking from the dawn till it carried us to the evening late and through the darkness.

The gaze in your eyes could lead us through the night, But now I stumble and fall without your love there is no light to guide me through this desolate place, only darkness prevail's here, only darkness).

(Can you see what I am doing here in this piece, I combine the rememberence and love with her to the emptiness and embittered existence life is without her)

Like I was saying and the other guy kind of mentioned it as carrying on to much it is one of the greatest pieces I have seen in a long time it just needs a combination,  with as much love as you are projecting here it dosn't allow enough room for despair and it will be the combination that will enrapture and weaken the mortal being.

I want you to understand that I am not criticizing your poem in fact I have mentioned what a great piece it is and just wanted to give some influence so that now almost anything you write if useing the advice will cripple the heart's of women and can if written right bring the most egotistical man to his knees nobody is above reproach when dealing with the things of their past and their present and what their future lays in store for them.

I hope that my honesty and insight becomes helpful

Answer 5

A simplistic poem, with excessive repetitions of words and phrases. Do include more adjectives and vocabulary that would help to improve imagery. Birds, bees and stars are not expressive enough to convey any deep or passionate love you have for another. Keep trying and improving; every poem can be tweaked in countless ways. Do not be afraid to use some punctuations, exaggerated ideas, images, etc--just fire up your imagination and make the poem come alive! Cheers!

Answer 6

Nothing is original, and I have no idea how that girl got sadness out of this. The vocabulary is kind of simple, but the emotion show through. Stay strong.