Another question for AP's?

Question

Would you still have adopted your child if open adoptions were enforceable, AND if it were possible for your child's mother to stay in his/her life?

As an added bonus, would you still have adopted if your child called both of you "mom"? What if s/he only called his/her mother "mom" and not you?

Answer 1

IT's emotionally hard on everyone but if it's in the best interest of the child, then YES!  My mother still finds it hard when I call my mother in law mom so it would be harder for the biological mother to hear the child call the AP mom.  If it wasnt so emotionally and mentally challenging then I think more people would foster and adopt.

Answer 2

Ofcourse we would have. If it was possible, we would love to have an open adoption with our children's first-parents, however, under the circumstances with our international adoptions it is unlikely. I also think that open adoption should be enforced, so I'd have know problem going along with whatever we had agreed to. ( IMO if you're not planning on complying with it, you shouldn't agree in the first place)

As far as sharing the title "mom", I have no control on what my children refer to me or their first mothers as. If they choose to refer to her as mom too, then that's fine, right now their first-mothers are refered to as "ooma", with is "mom" in Korean. I can't say that I wouldn't be sad if my children stopped calling me mom, but it definetly isn't something that would make me wish I'd never adopted them. I'll always love them with all my heart no matter what they choose to call me.

Answer 3

yes and yes

Answer 4

Yes and yes.

Answer 5

If I had entered into an open adoption agreement, I would expect that I would have kept my promise. So yes, I would still have adopted if they were legally enforeceable.

Now, your second question is a little more difficult (regarding first mom still remaing in their lives). My daughter's mom. Absolutely. I think about her often and we speak about her with our daughter. I sincerely hope that one day that is possible for us to meet and for her to be a part of her daughter's life. But then there is my son's first mom. I am probably inviting 50 thumbs down here, but I would never allow her to be a part of my child's life unless her entire life and personality changed. She abused my child and makes no apologies for it. She completely absolved herself of responsibility and cries victim. She is a completely unhealthy person and I do not want her in his life. Now when he is a teen and he feels like he wants to get to know her, well then obviously I would still be afraid for him, but I would support him in any way I could.

And now the mom question. We refer to my daughter's first mom as her mama. And we refer to my son's as his other mommy. So it's a non-issue. As I'm human, if my child never called me mom, that would hurt and anyone who says that it wouldn't, well I think they are lying to themselves.

Answer 6

Because of our situation, an open adoption was not an option. Our son's f-father spent time in jail because of the abuse/neglect. We had to get a no contact order while fostering because of threats towards me and our son and again another one during the adoption process because he threatened to kidnap him.

With his f-mother, that would be a different story. I would be open to her being part of his life once his therapist thinks he is ready for it. Currently he has so much anger towards her that his therapist does not think it is a good time for him to have contact.

He is in regular contact with members of his f-father's family though. It is so awesome to see how happy he is when he can spend time with them or when he gets off the phone with hi brother. He just recently met a Sister and found out he is an Uncle. You should here him brag about his nephew. He just got a picture of the two of them framed to keep in his room.

I could care less what he calls me (within reason :-) of course) He used to call me Heather for quite some time. He decided on his own to call me Mom. It wasn't like, OK, your ours now, you have to call me Mom. I actually think it was about a year after the adoption was final before he called me Mom.  

When we talk about his other parents it is always Mom & Dad, we know who we are talking about so we don't need to add labels.

Thank you for another great thought provoking question!  

Answer 7

No i wouldnt. If it's that important to the birth mother & she's mentally well enough to have a relationship with the child, then she should be raising him or her herself. Adoption IMO isnt necessary under those circumstances... That sounds more like a mother that need some help raising her child; Not give it up for adoption...

Edit: IMO adoption should be an option for the unwanted, abused or neglected child. I would not raise an A-child around their birth parent who was like that and i wouldn't adopt a kid who didnt start their life out as a victim. (I'm not interested in brand new babies). Most foster children were victims at some point. Depending on the situation, A relationship with their bio parent could make it worse.

People who adopt a new baby from a teenage mom? Well thats a different sorry.

Answer 8

Yes, I would still have adopted.  We have one very open adoption and one that is open on our end and I really think will work out in the future.  I have no problems if the kids call both of us mom, although as selfish as it is to say, it would hurt me if they would not call me mom.  You asked...I am just being honest.  

Answer 9

I would absolutely love for my child's adoption to be open. Unfortunately, the state demands that it be closed. We have worked very hard to find out information about mom and dad and look forward to having all of that information available to our child. We will keep in touch with extended family members who will be able to relate information to the mom. I would be happy if he called us both mom. Because I hear 'mommy' every day from him to me, it would be difficult to have him call someone else mommy exclusively at this point. I don't think I would like to be called "Susan" by him....unless that is what he always had called me. We are both mom and it is his right to call us (nicely) anything he wants. I will be his mommy regardless of what he calls me....as will his first mommy.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.  

Answer 10

Yes, in fact we turned down adoption plans with some nmoms who were not interested in open adoptions. Open adoption was a PRIORITY for me and the future of our adopted child.

The "mom" thing never bother me either. My daughter calls us both mom.

The whole point is to accept and embrace the adopted child as a "whole" person and that includes their natural family history. It otherwise puts too much pressure on the child and contributes to a sense of shame and secrecy.

Answer 11

Dear Gaia,

YES!!!  I would prefer open adoptions to be enforceable.  I would prefer my child's mother to be in her life.  

I don't care what my child calls me.  "Titles" aren't important to me.  Even is she called her mom "MOM" and me "mud", i still would have adopted her and loved her with all my heart.

Answer 12

Well, both of my adopted children are from China and were left with no information whatsoever about their parents (as far as I was told) but if there was a way to meet their parents I DEFINITELY would. Although, if we knew who their parents were, we would probably not adopt them, as they could've just stayed with them. If there was a reason why their parents absolutely could not have raised them and still needed to be adopted by us for whatever reason, then yes, I would definitely want their parents in their lives. It'd be difficult living so far away, but we would have to figure something out. I really hope someday this can be a reality.

My kids do call their other parents their mother and father

Answer 13

I would and I wish they were legally enforceable.  My mindset is that with how adoption works in my state, that many first moms who desire an open adoption only want to see the child maybe once or twice a year.  Even a bit more than that would be fine.  But an adoptive co-parenting situation just spells trouble, IMO.

If my daughter ever has the priviledge of meeting her first mom one day, and decided to call her mom, that is her choice.  She IS her mom!  Love is love...you don't have to have a title to prove it.  

Answer 14

Of course, to BOTH questions. I would love more than anything, for him mom to want o know him and love him.