Another question for adoptees...?

Question

If you are searching for your n-family, or have searched and reunited, or are considering either, do you still love your adoptive family?

I sometimes see/hear the attitude that adoptees who search and/or reunite do so because they want to "go back" to their first families or that somehow their loyalties are "divided".

So I was just wondering, is that true?

Do you love your adoptive families any less just because you want to know your biological family?

Answer 1

i love them both...cuz i'll be very thankful to the one that adopts me because they are the reason why i am still living in this world...they are the one who take care of me, feed me and teach me, but the reason why i still love my real family is because they are the one who give birth to me..they were the reason why i'm living...they just give me for adoption cuz they don't have enough earnings to give me my needs or they are not ready to take care a child..

adoption is better than abortion...right??????

Answer 2

LOVE THEM LESS? wow, not hardly. to be honest i think i love them more since i have found my bioparents.

i *(and this is my personal experience) have found a personal peace with myself. i am more at ease with myself as a person and it shows in many ways, including my relationships. im not perfect and all of my problems did not just melt away-but i was able to cope slightly better.

i felt stronger than i had in my whole life.

its amazing how finding your roots can make so many other things bloom. my aparents see it too. we were never really the 'i love you' family. it was just known. but now-everytime i talk to them we all say we love each other. everytime.

finding my bio parents had nothing to do with how much i loved my aparents, any lack of respect for them or lack of gratatude. it had to do with ME. i needed to find me. being so different than my afamily made that diffcult. it was hard to see outside what they knew and exposed me to. my biology and my upbringing is a different as night and day. complete polar opposite. now i have the best of both worlds. bios have lived a fast life filled with excitement, pain, broken rules and out of control events.

my afamily are as normal, solid, rule abiding and straight laced as they come.

i learned to control much of the 'jump first look later' that was in my genetics. and when i found my bios, i learned it was ok to jump-we bounced.

nothing in the world could make me stop loving my parents. ANY of them.  

Answer 3

I know tell me about! Ap's on here just like to accuse, accuse us adoptees! =(

Thank goodness my adoptive are stable, secure human beings who didn't have a problem with me searching. I would like to point out that there are Ap's on here like my parents, BPD wife comes to mind, and a couple of others. Anywho, i searched and you will not believe this...but guess what?!! i didn't love my adoptive parents any less!!! Can you believe that! I mean i found my b-mom, and i didn't want to go back to her, i was able to just talk to her and stuff.

But guess what again?!! I'm still loyal to my adoptive parents and i love them very much!!

I think that the Ap's, adoptees and non-adopted persons accusing us of being disloyal have insecurites themselves. that is why they insult and say such things.

what i think they should do is talk to other AP's who supported their adoptive child's search. That way they get a well rounded view of things!!

Suzy-- I know that is directed at me. I do love my parents, they were the ones that suggested that i searched. it wasn't me that thought of it first.  I JUST HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR HATRED TOWARDS ADOPTEES WHO HAVE SEARCHED. YOU INSULT THEM AND MAKE FUN OF THEM. What business is it of yours that they have searched? How have their lives affected yours? You didn't search because you felt no need. that fine that is your choice. i don't think it was wrong, because guess what it is your life and i respect that. unfortunately you can't respect other adoptees rights and choices who want to choose to search.

i do hope if your son does choose to search, you do not heap your hatred on to him.

Answer 4

I would never engage in a search, I'm not interested and feel that it's not in anyone's best interest. But I do want to add some insight to your question.

As adoptive parents, it is critical that we are able to accept the prospect of search. It is part of the deal.

But if any adult child expects her parents to honestly be unhurt by search, well she is just telling herself  what she wants to hear. Search is a decision to place your curiosity above your family's bond. It's an individual choice and one that everyone has to make independently, but let's be honest about it.

I find it sad that search is so often paired with anger, largely because if the child didn't have the opportunity to act out this way (adoption) then she would likely get past her conflict with her parents in a more typical and less impactful way.

And it's very sad to see people who spew nothing but hatred toward their parents suddenly claim love in this particular scenario.

Answer 5

No, of course I don't love my adoptive family any less simply because I know my first family.   My adoptive mom passed away a few years ago.  I miss her every day.  I want so much for her to still be here.  I want to talk to her and be with her.  So, please don't try to suggest that my love for her is any less simply because I also have a relationship with my first family.

What's with these single-faceted individuals who don't understand that human beings have the ability to love more than one?  Do they think that adopted persons are somehow less capable than any other people in this ability?  

If a person can love multiple children, added to her family in various ways (biological, adopted and via marriage,) why can an adopted person not love all of the different people in his or her life?  

I also love my in-laws.  Should I stop loving them?  Is it a conflict of interest to call my in-laws "Mom" and "Dad?"  It's not uncommon in our society for people to do so.  My adoptive parents called their in-laws "Mom" and "Dad."  I do the same.  Doing this certainly hasn't broken down my family unit.  How absurd.  

All of the people play different roles in our lives.  Some do not "replace" others, except in the fearful minds of some folks.

Wanting to know one's origins in not abnormal.  If it were, then large masses of people out there (non-adopted and adopted alike) are fruit loops, as genealogy is a one of the largest hobbies in Western society.   Why is it normal and accepted to want to know one genealogical roots if not adopted, but some people would pathologize anyone who chooses to do it if s/he is adopted?  

I've actually met a number of reunited adopted people who say that their relationships with the adoptive families strengthened during the search and reunion process, despite having positive reunions.

ETA:

My decision to search came at one of the most settled, happiest times in my life.  Where on earth do some people get the idea that the decision to search is tied to anger?  Clearly, anyone who who states this doesn't understand the reasons many of us search.  But, how could s/he?  It's probably not a choice s/he has made or plans to make.

ETA 2:

According to one poster here, there are people "spewing hatred" for their parents, yet claiming love in this situation.  Who are these people?  Where is this "hatred spewing?"  I haven't seen the people posting here about their love for their parents who adopted them countering that love with posts that "spew hatred" for them elsewhere.  Where are these posts?

Suzy, why can you not simply accept other peoples' positive situations and realities, even if they're different from yours?

Answer 6

Nope.  it didn't change a thing with my adoptive family.

And my adoptive mother was completely understanding and supportive.  I feel lucky to have gotten an adoptive mother who truly understands that her children came from someone else.

When I told my mom I had found my natural mother, she said, "Congratulations.  I know this is something you've always wanted."

She's a good one, my mom.

Answer 7

If we accept Suzy Sunshine's reasoning, parents should have only one child.  You CANNOT love more than one set of family.  It's impossible, don't you know?  Indeed, you shouldn't get married.  If you marry someone, you are breaking the bonds of family for... what?  s*x?  That's worse than curiosity!

/sarcasm

There is a bond of blood between adoptees and their first families.  Someone who cannot accept that, should not adopt.  (I understand feeling hurt.  That's human.  But you're the parent.  You don't put it on your child.  And I understand worrying about your child getting hurt.  But that's not the most typical objection raised here.)

Answer 8

I recentely reunited with my natural family after a long search.   The bad things people said would happen never did.

I love my adoptive family.  My search was not about them, nor was it any reflection whatsoever of how I felt about them and/or my upbringing etc.   It was about knowing the truth of my origins.

I love my adoptive family MORE now than ever because they were so incredibly supportive of my search and subsequent reunion.  Because of their love and support we are closer as a result.

I know I'm lucky in this respect - I've seen some really horrid attitudes expressed here and IRL from people who are very anti-adoptee and anti-reunion, basically anti-truth.    I feel so bad for those adopted by people who believe in secrets and lies in adoption - that's just so archaic!  If my A-rents had been anything like some of the people I've witnessed here, we would now be totally alienated :(

Answer 9

The problem with answering this is that some people will interpret The Search as a betrayal to my adoptive family alone.

It doesn't matter what my reasonings are, it doesn't matter WHY. All they read is that I am in reunion and they think, "How could you?!"

Yes. How dare I want a relationship with my original mother WHO GRIEVED FOR ME FOR TWO DECADES.

How dare I want a relationship with my father who NEVER stopped thinking about me.

Er, getting off-topic here a bit. Of course, I can't have those relationships because I'm halfway across the globe. If I could have them - if I could go on family vacations with them and celebrate my holidays with them for once - yes, I would.

Not because I "hate" my adoptive family or want to "get back" at them - but because *I* want the chance to be with MY original family.

It really has nothing to do with how I feel towards my adoptive family, and it NEVER has.

P.S. Adoptees do not deserve the burden of feeling torn because their aparents are too insecure to say "You have FOUR VERY REAL PARENTS."

ETA - Suzy: "But if any adult child expects her parents to honestly be unhurt by search, well she is just telling herself what she wants to hear."

I don't think it is so much about feeling "hurt" as it is about "insecurity."

My mom has never expressed being "hurt" by my search. And I don't think she is. She says she is saddened because she knows that now the prospect of having FOUR parents has become more real, and that she is no longer the only 'real' parent - not that she never said my other parents weren't 'real.' But if she is insecure and afraid, she does not show it because that is not MY job to handle. As she has said to me: "It is your right. These people are your family too. You should not have to take responsibility for what I or your dad thinks."

I gave you a thumbs up, though, for recognizing that an adoptee *may* want to search to understand where they came from - even if you don't feel the same way.

Answer 10

lol I love my adopted parents more than anything in the world ...But I was curious as to what my real family looked like and most time you pump your head up and imagine things to be one way and later find out they are not what you expected  

Answer 11

well i think i would love them both... i  guess i haven't found my birth mother.. i only know her name.. and her husbands name (not my birth father) but i would love to find her.. and i was wondering.. how do people begin their searches for their parents? im 15 right now... is it possible that i could find them?

Answer 12

Meeting my biological parents only made me more grateful for being adopted as I would not be the young woman I am today if my biological parents raised me.  

Answer 13

I am not an adoptee, so forgive me for jumping in, but I want to say that the fear that SOME aparents feel has nothing to do with loyalty.  We are fearful of the rejection they are mostly going to face, because the bparents stated, even in writing, that they do NOT want any future contact, at all.

However, if they want to search some day, I will support that decision, because I accept the fact that they will probably be curious, as I would be if it were me.  We are secure in knowing that if do our best in raising our children, they will be able to love us, while having a desire to know who created them.  On the other hand, if they don't want to search, I will support that decision also.

Answer 14

My adoptive parents came to me with the information I needed to contact by biological parents. They even made the initial phone call for me. They were afraid that my biological parents wouldn't want to hear from me, so they contacted them first so that I wouldn't have to experience any (more) rejection first hand. Luckily, they were excited to hear from me, and we had a reunion the following weekend.  Ever since I can remember, my adoptive parents were supportive and wanted me to be able to know my history.

I love my adoptive parents more than anything! Of course, we're different and don't see eye to eye on many things, but isn't that how all child/parent relationships are?

I love my biological parents because they gave me life, but I don't have the same kind of love for them that I have for my adoptive parents. I never have, and never will.

I never wanted to 'go back' to my biological family. I just wanted to know where I came from.

Answer 15

For my case I don't have 'love' for my biolgical family in the sense I would do anything for them & 'love' them regardless...it's more of the fact that my bioparents are a part of me that I am missing until I get more answers.  There is a connection with them that is natural even if I don't 'love' them compared to my adoptive family.

I 'love' my adoptive family.  I really don't like the word love tho- as I know it's something that should come naturally.   I'm not good at explaining this love thing as the only thing I can say that I truly love-love in this world is my daughter.  That's a feeling that I have no doubt is love.  With my aparents or biofamily I can't say that I feel that.  I respect my adoptive parents & care for them so you could say that I 'love' them more than my biofamily, since I don't even remember them.  It's not like I'm searching for my biofamily to fill in for the adoptive family.

To be honest I can't even compare the two right now as they are two separate entities but both very much apart of me.

Answer 16

I love both my families.That's my reality.

Searching had NOTHING to do with my love for either.

I needed to know.

So I searched.

It's really quite simple.

Sadly too many make it so complicated.

Answer 17

My adoption worked out well.  I love my family and I have no desire to replace them.  I'm certainly not wanting to replace my mother who I am very close to.  I'm not searching because I'm angry, or depressed, AND I don't have unrealistic expectations about what I will find.  In many ways I think I had to become more secure to search.  I'm secure in my family's love for me and that has given me the strength to find my history, my story.

ETA-Suzy, I will be hurt when my kids go off to college but I would HATE for them to not go out of concern for me. My mom was hurt when I moved across the country for a couple years, but she knew it was best for me, and she supported me AND  through it we became closer.  Do you really want your kids living in fear of hurting you? Are your kids really here just to make you happy, or are you willing to put them first even if it hurts you?   My mom is doesn't completely undertand my search, but she supports me.  Geez!  We are both adults.  We aren't so fragile that this can't bring us closer.