Another start to a PO'EM. What do you think?

Question

What do you think of the beginning of my ballade?

I sail through the puffy clouds

Sitting upon a flying horse

With flapping wings we roam the night

Soaring the sky with mighty force

Far below, on the silent sea

A sailor looks at the sky agape

To see amid the blinking stars

The white gleam of a moving shape

(To be continued…)

Answer 1

The beats are right, the rhymes are right...so why am I not "thrilled"?  You've got an excellent start...now, look at some of your phrases (you've got the beat/voice part down, now you need to "intensify" the phrases)..."puffy clouds"..."puffy"?  surely you can do better than that!  "flying horse"?  Why not just say "Pegasus"?...as in, "I sit upon sweet Pegasus"...or "dear Pegasus", or "mighty Pegasus"?  "flapping"?  I know you can do better.  "with mighty force"?  Again, I know you can do better.

Second stanza...actually pretty good!  "silent sea a sailor looks at the sky" is a great alliteration!  The beats are good, the rhymes work and sound natural...great job!

...now, get back to working on the first stanza :)

...keep writing

Answer 2

It sounds really nice! Go on. Please could you have a look at my poem?   http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 3

I like it. Please continue...I want to read the rest .