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Another story i've written! part 1?

by  |  earlier

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“Maggie wait!” Jared called my name as I walked out the door towards my car. I turned around and folded my arms across my chest. He was running out the door behind me though the dark.

“What?!” I pursed my lips and switched my weight to one leg raising one eyebrow.

“Come on Mags don’t be like this. I really do have baseball practice.” He whined walking towards me.

“On Halloween; yeah right. I’d believe that if you had a game the next day but you don’t.” I shook my head.

“But I do, ask any of the guys.” He walked closer to me.

“I have asked the other guys; I asked Ralph and he’s not going. Oh and I asked Rob, Paul, Michael, and Josh. None of them are going; that’s half the team Jared. How are you practicing with half the team?” he was such a crappy liar. I knew that he just didn’t want to go to the Halloween party that night. It was the biggest party since I’d been in high school; and the fact that Jared couldn’t go just made me furious. Mostly because I knew he was lying about practice, and that to go to the party you had to have a date, and Jared was my boyfriend.

“But they are all sitting the bench, and it’s only mandatory for the players.” His voice was begging me to not be mad. I rolled my eyes.

“You just don’t want to go to the party, even though you know how important it is to me.” I retorted.

“No baby, I really want to go to the party.” He begged again.

“Whatever, I’ll just ask someone else to go with me.” I shook my head and turned to walk out to my car. My boots clanked against the pavement. I opened the door to my yellow jeep and climbed in. Before I backed out I turned to look towards the school; Jared was still standing there looking at the ground looking sad. I sighed and pulled out of the space and stopped near the curb.

“Do you need a ride?” I asked my voice softer than it had been before. He looked up and shook his head shoving his hands into his pockets.

“No, I’ll just wait for my sister.” Yep he was moping.

“Jared, just get in the car.” I leaned across the seat and opened the door for him. He shrugged and got in.

We rode in silence until I pulled up in front of his house. I waited for him to get out, but he didn’t. I looked over at him, and he was staring at me. He moved his hand to touch my chin lightly pulling me closer to him, and he kissed me. I put my hand on his face pulling him closer still. Our lips moved perfectly together for a minute then I pulled back breaking away. He touched his forehead to mine.

“Love you Mags.” He whispered then he got out. He turned around to wave at me before he walked in the door. I smiled and waved back. I really hated when he did that, made me feel guilty. It was his kiss, and he knew it just as well as I did. It was my weakness, and he used it well.

My phone vibrated and I opened my purse and pulled it out. It was from Jared.

Will you leave your door open for me?

I smiled and pressed the reply button.

Yea, I guess.

I put my phone back in my purse and pulled away and drove towards my house. My room had a balcony on it, and sometimes Jared would sneak out (or tell his parents he was staying at a friend’s house) and come over. My parents worked several days a week, Saturday being one of them, as detectives. Of course you would be thinking that they would catch us, but my parents didn’t really care what I did, so they never tried to bust me. And tonight was an exception, Jared and I had fought. I hated when we fought so I usually left my balcony doors open for him.

*i sort of have an idea for this story. but i would like to hear yours. tell me what you think. i'm kinda stuck. :)*

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4 ANSWERS


  1. yep so am i lol. but so far i think its good tell me if u rite more im loving it

    goodluck with the rest


  2. A good story, but i m seeing that the touchy scene like kissing should not b in story. do not get anger at me, listen to story mood , try to give a life to Ur characters first...

  3.      I think that's very good.  There are a few mistakes, but I'm sure you'll find them on re-writes.  God knows, we all make them!  Get onto the Net, or buy a book, on setting out dialogue.  Not writing it so much, because you've written it very well, I think, but you need to paragraph whenever someone speaks, and indent the first line.  You'll soon get the hang of it.

         It's an excellent effort, though.  Perhaps you could continue with you coming home from the party, leaving the door for Jared, who never turns up.  What's happened to him?  Where is he?  Of course, you're angry at first, but the more time goes on, the more worried you become.

         From here, it's a bit tricky.  What sort of story do you want to write?  Jared's parents, the 'tecs, could find him dead.  Or he might have found himself tied up with an incredibly beautiful and mysterious woman.  

         Hope I've helped a bit,

    Good luck

    Mike B  

  4. I don't have an idea, but I liked the story.  I could see it going somewhere.  Keep on writing!!

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