Any 1 know any funny jokes ?

Question

Any 1 know any funny jokes ?

Answer 1

an elephant was taking a stroll one day when he bumped into a camel

the elephant stars laughing at the camel

the camel asks " whats so funny "

to this the elephant replys "well arnt you a strange looking fellow you have a pair of t*ts on your back"

the camel replies " thats rich coming from someone with a di*k on his face"

Answer 2

A lorry diver is going down the mototroway and meets this old driver. So this lorry driver decides to blow his advance warning signel. The old driver looks up and says pig, pig, pig dirty little pig. The lorry driver looks down into the car and shouts cow, cow, cow and then goes throw the crash barrier into a field and crashes into a pig.

Answer 3

Here's one of my favourites. I'm sorry for anyone who got offended by this joke.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down a level except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,312 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love s*x.

The second floor has wives that love s*x and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Hope you enjoyed it. Tell me if you want more, i have plenty!

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Here's another one for you all:

Women Vs Man

RELATIONSHIPS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need just because its on sale.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man,

you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman,

you must love her a lot and not try understand her at all.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes,

there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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And another...i hope you like them all.

9 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYONE:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, Do I point at my crotch when I ask YOU where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. d**n right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the h**l would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the d**n floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short'. What the h**l?? Life is the longest d**n thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Hope you enjoyed them. Email me for more, i have plenty.

Answer 4

--how the fight started...............

> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

> expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight

> started....

>

> ****************************************...

>

> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had

> left my wallet at home.

> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home

> and come back later.

> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

>

> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That

> silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my

> Social Security application.

>

> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

> Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.

> You might have gotten disability, too'

>

> And then the fight started.....

>

>

> ****************************************...

>

> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

> nearby table.

>

> My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old

> girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up

> those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' My wife

> said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

>

> And then the fight started.....

>

> ****************************************...

>

> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

> and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

> you just get soooo stressed and little thingsjust seem funny?

>

> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

>

> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

> HAPPY!!!'

>

> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

>

>

> And that's how the fight started.....

>

>

Answer 5

Microsoft Works

Answer 6

My s*x life is a disaster. Last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.

Answer 7

little lad tells his teacher 'miss ,my daddy pissed out the back door on the cat last night!'

teacher horrified says 'he done what?'

lad 'he opened door to the garden and said 'here kitty... psst psst psst'

Answer 8

yo momma so fat she dont take pictures she takes posters....lame i know!

Answer 9

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool..

They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

Answer 10

What's grey and can't climb trees?

a car park.

Answer 11

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant’s lawyer

Answer 12

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.



So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig.

"I mean, what the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)



(are you sure?)



(here it comes!!!)

The bank manager looks back at her and says,

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.

Give the frog a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

xx

Answer 13

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam.

Answer 14

HECK YEAH!!!! :]

the first nun said, "i was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you

know what i found? a bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"what did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"well, of course i threw them all in the trash."

the second nun said, "well, i can top that. i was in the father's room putting

away the laundry and i found a bunch of condoms."

"oh my," gasped the other nuns. "what did you do?" they asked.

"i poked holes in all of them" she replied.

the third nun said, "oh s***."

--------------------------------------...

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five

dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five

dollars from.

The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for

doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see

your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I

got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing

a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked

him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

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There were 2 brothers that shared a room. One was 18 and the other was 8. The

18 year old brought home his girlfriend at midnight. The little brother was

sleeping so they climbed quietly to the top bunk. Things started getting hot and

heavy so the guy told his girlfriend if she wants a new position to say

"lettuce" and if she wants him to stop say "tomatoes". So she started saying

"lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes.... take it out I don't want to get

pregnant." The little boy woke up and screamed, "Stop making sandwiches up

their, your getting mayonaise all over my face!"