Any Good Jokes Or Riddles?

Question

The Cheesier The Better! :D Lol

Answer 1

Read this..

LOLOAQICI82QB4IP.

For the thumb-downer with no sense of humour.. it's a man standing outside a toilet and he sees a long queue outside..he says..

"'Ello, 'ello a queue I see, I 'ate to queue be-fore I pee!"

Answer 2

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic.'

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man

reading a book, and noticed he had his collar

on backwards. The little boy asked why he

wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a Priest, said:

'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied:

'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar

like that.'

The priest looked up from his book

and answered:

'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said:

'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two

grandchildren and he doesn't wear

his collar that way!'

The Priest, getting impatient, said:

'I am the Father of hundreds'

and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for

a while, then leaned over and said:

'Maybe you should wear a condom and

your pants backwards instead of your

collar'.

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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?" "I'm a r****m stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A r****m stretcher? And just what does a r****m stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the h**l do you do with a 6 foot a*****e?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00 Court Costs: $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!!

--------------------------------------...

A horny husband was helping his wife pick out a password on her email, so he picked p***s. The wife fell out of the chair laughing when the computer said "not long enough".

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A guy is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry, do you know me?"

She replies " I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children".

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Christ" he says. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ****?

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

Answer 3

Give LiketoLaugh.com a try.

http://www.liketolaugh.com/jokes.php

Answer 4

Loads! but i can never think of them wen people ask so i guess that means i dont have loads! heres 2 nice short ones:

1) why did tigger have his head down the toilet?

He was looking for pooh.

2) two elderly women were sitting on the beach when a naked man ran past. one of the women had a stroke, the other one couldnt reach.

Answer 5

How many friends do you have?

This guy arrived home and found his wife with one of his best friends in his own bed. He grabbed a gun and killed the friend immediately.

The angry wife said:

-"If you continue to behave like this you'll end up with no friends."

Answer 6

A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.  

Answer 7

There was said to be shipments of mayo on the Titanic. When the Titanic sank the Mexicans remembered it as Cinco De Mayo.

Why were the antenas sad at their wedding? They had a bad reception.

Riddle: You throw away the outside, cook the inside, it the outside, throw away the inside. What am I??

I am corn. You throw away the Peel, cook the corn, eat the corn, throw away the cob.

LOL.com

Answer 8

Why Bill Gates decided to sell Microsoft

Letter from Sardar Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft:

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,

which I want to bring to your notice:

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Bhatinda!

So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system?

I find only 're-cycle', but I own a Vespa scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the

door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was

unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft

sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon

which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a

single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the

PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My

Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife Bebbo to know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

  

Answer 9

Why do old men take a viagra tablet and a cu of hot chocolate before bed.

The hot chocolate hels them sleep and the viagra stos them falling out of bed

Answer 10

There is more money being spent

on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky b***s and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with either of them.