Any advice for me, on behalf of my mother-in-law?

Question

Well, many of you know by now that my husband was adopted. So was his brother, who is 3 years older than my hubby. Well, they were raised by alcoholic aparents, their dad 'more so', if that matters. When my hubby was 13 and his brother was 16, they divorced after many years of HUGE drama. My mother-in-law took her older son with her and left, leaving my husband to stay with his dad. When my brother in law was old enough, he entered the military and moved away. He has since married (twice) and had children. About 7 years ago, he located his birth family on the internet. His birthparents happen to have gotten married after his birth, so he has several full blood siblings. He moved a few states away from his hometown to be near his birth family. He claimed throughout that he just wanted to learn about his biofamily, but that his amom "would always be his mom" and all that jazz. Now, as time goes by, it's getting clearer and clearer that he has left the (more)

Answer 1

Your brother-in-law had a tough childhood from what you describe. If his birth-family is even just a little bit more functional than his adoptive family, than I think it is pretty natural that he tries to enjoy with them just a little bit of happy family life he had not had as a child...

I guess, your mother-in-law might feel guilty for not having been a good enough mother to her adoptive son . If you'd like to help her, don't try to discuss her mothering skills or your brother-in-law, but try to give her the feeling that you appreciate her as a person, and value whatever her strong sides might be.

Answer 2

Here is a website you and your hubby might want to look into.  It sounds like your brother in law has broken free from the cycle that most adult children of alcoholics experience.  Maybe your in laws are still living the life, or have not gone through AA, and have taken responsibility of their destructive habits?  They probably haven't apologized to their children for a childhood of dysfunction.

http://www.adultchildren.org/

From the website:

"We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.

We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.

These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us 'co-victims', those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue."

From reading your story, I’m guessing that your in laws have not internalized Steps 4,8,9,10 or 12.  You nor your husband can change this—I am just telling you for your own edification.

The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

1.) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.) Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.) Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8.) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Bless you.

Answer 3

Sarah, just so you know,  I reported this question. You clearly violate the TOS by calling Sunny a nast euphamism for the c word. Why must you be so rude?

I say bully for you B-I-L, apparently the aparents were not suited or capable of being "good" parents while his "real" mother and father are. Why is it hard to understand wanting a family that is not disfunctional or drunk?

ETA: Yes Gershom she did call Sunny that nasty name. Lovely isn't it?

Answer 4

Why would someone report this? Seems harmless to me. Perhaps your BIL 's birth family (nfamily ) has not had all the drama that he had to live through. I could see how a new family might appeal to him.

Sorry sunny, I did get it, the nasty word. I'm such a dork sometimes.

Answer 5

I think you need to give him time.  Feeling suddenly like you "belong" somewhere can be very comforting. Hes finding out about himself, and making a life for himself. Its not about "replacing" or "taking sides" and he shouldn't be made to feel like he has to "choose."

My advice is to be happy for him, that he's happy. Thats what I want for my siblings, my children, my families, I want them to be happy. If that means living by people who love them and make them feel whole, so be it. If you miss him, take a vacation and go see him. You didn't mention anywhere that he says he doesn't want to see or talk with you or your family, so make an effort yourselves. Call him, write him, visit him and tell him how happy you are for him, embrace his happiness don't reject it because its not what you "wanted" from him.

Answer 6

What's so hard to understand?

Your in-laws were addicts in a terrible marriage, which in my book would make them awful parents, who should have never been allowed to adopt (so much for home-studies) in the first place.

He found his family (intact!) and feels comfortable with them--how wonderful for him!  You don't say if your in-laws are still drunks, but if they are, why would he want to be around that c**p anyway?

Glad he got the gift of a decent family after his awful childhood.

Answer 7

Uhm it sounds like you expect him to be grateful.  Maybe his brother wants some normalcy.

Answer 8

I was adopted many years ago by wonderful, loving parents. They gave me a life I would never have had otherwise. While in my twenties, I decided to look for my biological parents. I hadn't realized the kind of impact this would have on my parents, especially my mother. She took it the hardest, because my biological father would call the house, and say "dad" was calling. My mother felt betrayed because she had done so much for me, and she couldn't understand why I would let a "stranger" into our lives. I now see from her view, that it was a betrayal because for all these years, this child is your child, and it feels like you are turning your back on them. Unlike your brother-in-law, I only wanted info on diseases in the family; which I'm glad I got. Other than that, my biological father and I no longer speak. Your mother-in-law has every right to be hurt, because it sounds as if she has been replaced. Regardless if she did have a drinking issue, you do the best you can as a parent. There might be some underlying issue as to why your brother-in-law chose to be close to his biological parents. Just try to offer as much support to your in-law, because she probably feels alienated. Adopting a child is not only a huge responsibility, but it is a love like no other.

Answer 9

If it were me, I would be a good daughter-in-law and stay out of the family situation and let your husband handle the relationship between his brother and their parents.  I think that you can support your mother-in-law by doing all of the things that a daughter-in-law shoud do which is most importantly being there for your husband.  How does he feel about the situation?   How does he feel about his childhood?  Just be there for him and your mother-in-law will take comfort in that.

It doesn't sound as if these two guys had much in their childhood and that your hubby is really lucky to have you.  Maybe his brother is not as lucky and is looking to his bio family for what he missed in his childhood.  I am not sure how to help your mother-in-law to understand that or if it is even possible.  Many people do not understand that they must reap what they sow.

Answer 10

I don't know that their is anything you can say to your mother in law except to listen. The pain she is feeling is probably similar to that of losing a child to death or addiction. And it is a fear that a lot of adoptive parents have. His finding his birth family answered a lot of questions and may keeps a fantasy alive that he belongs to a real normal family. I don't know, you can only guess. But it is something between him and his parents. I would offer support but leave out the advice.

Answer 11

I don't know what a snatch is, but it doesn't sound very nice.

I don't think your MIL has any reason to feel threatened if she did a good job of parenting.  Sounds like she kinda sucked at it though from how you've painted her here.

I hope there's enough room in the family for everyone.  I do believe we're capable of loving more than mother/father/sibling etc - it happens all the time with step families