Any funny/hillarious quotes/sayings...?

Question

Any funny/hillarious quotes/sayings...?

Answer 1

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Oprah Winfry

Answer 2

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

- W. C. Fields

save the world! its the only planet with chocolate.

- Unknown

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman."

- Homer Simpson

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

- Steven Wright.

Love is a serious mental disease.

- Plato

I don't have an attitude problem.You have a perception problem.

If swimming is so good for your figure , how do you explain whales?

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.  

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.  

I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.  

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.  

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Answer 3

Lol, My life saying is

" Live Life, Get Paid, then get laid"

Answer 4

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Answer 5

A very helpful site of Quotations

http://www.5000quotations.com

Answer 6

2 Preachers sitting down to eat with a little conversation. One Preacher complains his Church attic is full of bats and he's tried everything to get rid of them but they won't leave. The other preacher says "Do what I did. Baptist them and make them members of the Church. I haven't seen them since."

Answer 7

Well, everyone's humor is different, but here are some of my favorites:

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." - Mitch Hedberg

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!" - Homer Simpson

"What year did Jesus think it was?" - George Carlin

"I believe that s*x is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy." - Steve Martin