Any good jokes?

Question

Does any one know any good jokes I NEED to laugh!!!

Answer 1

The Zen master goes to his hot dog vendor, and says "Make me one with everything."

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Two antenna meet on a roof top.  (That's where they hang out.)

They fall in love.

They get married!

Well, the wedding wasn't really any good.

But the reception was excellent!

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar, get a table and have a few beers.  On the way out, one says, "Say, I think I lost an electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?"  The first says, "I'm positive."

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Two nuns walk into a bar.  You'd think that the second one would have ducked.

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A string walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says "Get out - we don't server strings here."  Dejected, it leaves.  But a week later, it tries again.  The bartender says "Get out - I told you last week that we don't serve strings here."  Once again, the string leaves.  But then, the strings gets an idea.  It decides to disguise itself.  It ties itself into a big bow tie, and frizzes it's ends.  Back in the bar, the bartender looks and says, "Say.  Aren't you that string?"  The string says "I'm afraid not".

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When i woke up this morning, my girl friend asks, "Did you sleep well?"  I said, "No.  I made some mistakes."

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A Texan meets a Harvard graduate.  The Texans says, "Where are youall from?"  The Harvard man says, "I come from a place where we don't use prepositions to end sentences."  The Texan replies, "Sorry.  Where are youall from, jerk?"

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Are you still here?  Don't you have something better to do?

Answer 2

i have few try these i they can do the trick~~~!!!!!!!

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

joke2

joke2

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither.

The son asks, "Dad is we poisonous snakes?"

The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?"

"Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

joke3

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a*****e! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

joke4

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

joke5

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

joke 6

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Answer 3

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

Answer 4

Burial at Sea

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, 'Nope, not yet, Bubbles.' So they rowed a little farther....

Again Bubbles asked Barbie, 'do you think were out far enough now?' Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface. Gasping for breath she said, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.'

Answer 5

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! What about us Catholics ?"

Answer 6

Take a look at the 'Jokes' section on LiketoLaugh.com

http://www.liketolaugh.com/jokes.php

Answer 7

there were three women and they were stranded on a island.the redhead saw that they were getting low on supplies and decided to swim for other land.half way there she drown.the brunette saw they were getting low on supplies and decided to swim for other land.halfway there she got eaten by sharks.the blond saw she was getting low on and decided to swim for other land.halfway there she got tired and swam back to the island.